I haven't blogged in a while.
so I guess I'll do that now, while I'm stressed as fuck and trying to not study for physics.
Life's been decent, you could say. perhaps a little more on the lower side, but who am I to complain. I've got it good compared to others. so, it's decent.
Ugh I just lost all motivation to blog, too.
Sorry guys. I don't know what the hell I'm doing these days.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
'cause when a heart breaks, it don't break even.
Sorry I'm doing so many posts today. hahaha.
I could make this all one post, but my thoughts are scattered, so deal with it.
I'm scared of getting hurt. I'm scared of being let down, because honestly I don't want to put myself through more pain that I really have to go through.
I think that's why I'm scared of liking someone. because I know that that person doesn't like me back, and I would honestly rather not put my feelings and my sanity through more pain than it has to.
here, let me explain a little more.
so, there's this guy. and I like him. I do. I've admitted it. but.. I don't think he likes me back. not like that, at least.
so my solution is to get over him. to stop liking him like that, and just go back to being good ol' friends.
reasonable solution, yes? I don't want to get my hopes up only for it to not go anywhere.
because I feel like in the end, if I keep feeling this way, it'll just be a letdown in the end. I mean, if he starts to like me back then well I guess that of course won't be a letdown, but I don't think there's a possibility of that.
I just.. don't want to get hurt.
and I think that's all liking someone does. it just leads to hurt.
for someone so optimistic about life, I'm really pessimistic about relationships, I think.
I could make this all one post, but my thoughts are scattered, so deal with it.
I'm scared of getting hurt. I'm scared of being let down, because honestly I don't want to put myself through more pain that I really have to go through.
I think that's why I'm scared of liking someone. because I know that that person doesn't like me back, and I would honestly rather not put my feelings and my sanity through more pain than it has to.
here, let me explain a little more.
so, there's this guy. and I like him. I do. I've admitted it. but.. I don't think he likes me back. not like that, at least.
so my solution is to get over him. to stop liking him like that, and just go back to being good ol' friends.
reasonable solution, yes? I don't want to get my hopes up only for it to not go anywhere.
because I feel like in the end, if I keep feeling this way, it'll just be a letdown in the end. I mean, if he starts to like me back then well I guess that of course won't be a letdown, but I don't think there's a possibility of that.
I just.. don't want to get hurt.
and I think that's all liking someone does. it just leads to hurt.
for someone so optimistic about life, I'm really pessimistic about relationships, I think.
i'm still alive, but i'm barely breathing.
“A guy out there was meant to be the love of your life, your best friend, your soul mate. The one you can tell your dreams to. He’ll brush the hair out of your eyes. Send you flowers when you least expect it. He’ll stare at you during the movies, even thought he paid $8 to see it. He’ll call to say goodnight or just because he is missing you. He’ll look in your eyes and tell you, you’re the most beautiful girl in the world, and for the first time in your life, you’ll believe it."
sometimes I think that my idea of a relationship is TOO ideal. too perfect. too unbelievable.
it's too "Disney". too, fake. too imaginary, too fantasy.
all the same, I just wish that maybe it could come true.
the line in that quote that appealed to me the most was "he'll tell you you're the most beautiful girl in the world, and for the first time in your life, you'll believe it." honestly, I wish I could.
believe that, that is.
because recently, my self esteem is going down the toilet. which is ironic, because last night was homecoming which should be the best night ever, but my self esteem just kept shrinking.
and it's my own fault, too. I just can't seem to help it but push my own self esteem down.
I don't know why. but I hate that about myself.
just something else to add to the list.
sometimes I think that my idea of a relationship is TOO ideal. too perfect. too unbelievable.
it's too "Disney". too, fake. too imaginary, too fantasy.
all the same, I just wish that maybe it could come true.
the line in that quote that appealed to me the most was "he'll tell you you're the most beautiful girl in the world, and for the first time in your life, you'll believe it." honestly, I wish I could.
believe that, that is.
because recently, my self esteem is going down the toilet. which is ironic, because last night was homecoming which should be the best night ever, but my self esteem just kept shrinking.
and it's my own fault, too. I just can't seem to help it but push my own self esteem down.
I don't know why. but I hate that about myself.
just something else to add to the list.
Monday, September 26, 2011
And if you come around again, then I will take the chain from off the door
Adsfajewklsdfjakdslf. I don't believe in relationships. I just never think that they'll last. I just haven't seen one example of a relationship that's lasted for a long period of time, no matter how perfect they seem for each other. (In high school, at least. College relationships, I think, can last.)but, pretty much, I don't believe in relationships in high school. so then, why is it that at this point in my life I can't help but want what I believe doesn't exist? The guy who asked me to homecoming. we're really good friends, I'd say. and I think I like him. like, LIKE LIKE him. hahaa. I hate admitting that to myself, though. I don't like liking someone. It makes me feel vulnerable; my feelings are too easily affected, merely by what someone else says or does. But.. it's just the idea of flattery, I guess. I'm flattered he even wants to go to homecoming with me. and I think because of this level of flattery that I feel, I'm in a way obligated to like him. that sounds weird. 'obligated' to like him. that's not exactly what I mean, though. like, I like him out of my own free will- it's just, I don't feel like I'm good enough for the kid. like, he could do so much better. Sometimes I catch moments where he /might/ show signs of liking me - but then again, I misread signs and I over interpret the little things that happen.. but gosh, if he did like me, man that'd be unbelievable. like, literally, I wouldn't believe it. it's just.. so weird. knowing that someone likes me. or, not knowing, but potentially thinking that maybe he does. hahaha. I just don't think I'm worth people liking me, y'know? gah, this low self esteem crap has got to go, haha. but man. if he does, I'd be flattered out of this world. mm, bedtime. seeya'll later.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
hi, I think I like you.
so I was asked to homecoming, nbd. hahahalike, last week. hahah. a little late on the update, I know. I can't help myself from thinking that maybe the guy I'm going with is just too good for me - like I don't deserve to be going to homecoming with him. I feel like he could be doing so much better, and I don't really know why he asked me. that was all that was running through my head last week. 2 of my friends gave me pep talks, which helped a bit haha. I guess you could say my confidence level was below sea level last week. It got better when I realized I was nominated for Homecoming Court & a lot of my friends came up to me and told me they voted for me. I didn't win, and honestly I didn't really want to win, but I was still flattered knowing that people voted for me.but now the problem is - I don't know if I like this kid or not. nonono, like we're really good friends. I just don't know if I like like him or not. I think a lot of it is the fact that I tend to crush on people easily, kind of. Another big part of it is the fact that I'm flattered that he even asked me to homecoming in the first place. I mean, granted, he probably just asked me as a friend, but still, in my crazy 16 year old head, I keep thinking that maybe there's a slim 1% chance that he might like me. I think maybe it's just because maybe I'm flattered and, well, honored that he's even liking me/having an interest in me in the first place. we're also pretty good friends, so I guess that contributes some crazy way. I don't know if I like him or not. I'm still trying to figure out my feelings. Gah, feelings suuuck.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Texan thoughts.
So, I'm in Texas right now, as you guys might know. or maybe not. no one really reads this thing.
it's mostly a family trip. I'm here for my cousin Becky's wedding, and we're just staying at my cousin's house. It's been a lot of fun, for the most part. I've been hanging out with my cousin a lot - and it's weird, because I've never REALLY been super close with someone in my family except my parents.
Hanging out with him has been quite weird - I'm honestly not used to someone paying for all my food or all my things. Is this just me? I remember telling my mom after the FIRST DAY that I thought it was weird that hey paid for everything and I felt bad for not paying for it myself. But her response was, "it's okay, because he's family". Okay, I guess that made a little bit of sense in my head, but still, I'm just not used to someone in my family (aside from my parents) being so openly nice to me. Is that sad?
I think I was just surprised that he was being so nice to me.. and cared for me so much, seeing as we haven't seen each other in, like, 5 years.
so, I guess this is what 'family' feels like. I haven't experienced it much back at home.. but I like it.
You see, at home, I don't have many close family members that I can really hang out with. sure, I love my mom to death, but hanging out with her is a different story. it's just, not the same, y'know? and all the cousins that I have.. sure, I'm close with some of them.. well, not close, but I can talk to them. To the other ones, I'm kinda distant with. We don't really talk, and when we do, it's just the type of conversation that basically means "Oh, hey let's catch up, whatsup kbye."
I don't know, I hope that makes a little bit of sense in your head, because I'm just rambling here.
it feels nice to be able to just 'hang out' with my cousins, it really does. we did so much the past few days. and it really is an awesome feeling, the feeling of 'family'. it's scary how foreign it is to me, though.
Coming off the same-ish branch, this is where my yearning for a sibling comes back more powerful than ever. Seeing my cousin and his sister being so close makes me wish I had that connection with someone - I guess it's more of that 'family' feeling. Someone who would have my back, who I could always count on being there, who I can hang out with. I remember at band camp I talked to someone about my wanting for a sibling, and they were the first person who I think actually understood why I wanted a sibling. and they had a sibling themselves. I just sometimes yearn for that friend who will always be my friend, no matter what happens. that sibling who will always be there for you, who you could trust to have your back. Mmm. just some ramblings.
Though Texas has been fun and family-filled, it's had it's disadvantages.
I love family time, I do. I really do.
but for example. Me, my mom, my aunt, my other aunt, and my grandma went shopping yesterday. Yay, shopping, right? wrong.
I'm just recently grown accustomed to how I look. It was kinda after band camp, I started really starting to get confident with how I looked. Though, when you're handed multiple extra large items of clothing and told to try them on, it's kind of degrading. Kind of? let me just say it hurts.
I feel like such an idiot, feeling so degraded by something that seems so minor, maybe. To me, though, it really was the most degrading thing in the world. one of the most degrading, at least. Mostly because it's taken SO MUCH for me to actually get my confidence to that level that I had it. It's honestly harder for me to build confidence than it is to blow it all down.
Prior to that incident, I had been given a couple of Large dresses to try on. at this point, I'm happy and still proud of being me. when they don't fit, I don't really care- I didn't like them that much anyway, and sizes differ with the style. I shrug it off and I continue.
anyway, so we continue shopping, and my aunt hands me a rack of extra large items and thinks that I'll be able to fit into them perfectly.
I'm going to interrupt for a sec to say that I love my family to death. I really do. I love them. all of them. it's just, sometimes I overthink/overblow things.
Mmkay, back to the story.
Gosh, it was the worst feeling walking into the fitting room with 3 extra large dresses. they were too big on me. who knew?!
I just remember going into the fitting room, and looking at myself in the mirror. I looked at my reflection, and I just hated it. At that moment, I just remember wanting to break that mirror so I wouldn't have to look at myself. My fatness and how ugly I really was. Commence deterioration of confidence.
I understand why they did it. giving me the extra large ones to simply try on. 'Cause the large one's didn't fit. see, this is where I start blowing things outta proportion.
but still, I guess the thought of it still was quite degrading, since I JUST was able to build up all that confidence in how I looked.
I just remember trying on dresses after that, looking at myself in the mirror, and hating what I saw. I turned to my friends for help - I just remember every time I went into the fitting room, I spent more time on Facebook chatting with my friends than actually TRYING THE CLOTHES ON. can you blame me?
Oh, did I tell you? I can't believe I did this, but when I was told to try on the extra large dresses, I took pretty much 10 minutes to change. and it was just a dress you needed to slip on, too. I looked in the mirror, didn't like what I saw, and I'm not going to lie, I cried a bit. gah, I'm such a friggin' wuss.
The next few minutes were spent on Facebook, frantically looking for people to talk to, because no matter what happens, my friends never fail to make me feel better.
(So, I'm sorry if I annoyed anyone, hehe. I've been talking to a lot of people these days.)
That's pretty much it from yesterday. As the day went on I was able to try on more clothes, and actually look good in them. Still, though, my confidence took a pretty big blow. I remember last night I was talking to one of my friends and we suddenly got to the topic about how my confidence level was low.
I remember telling him that my confidence level really wasn't important. and now, thinking about that, I realized that that's really how I feel. I don't hold my self esteem or confidence to a high importance anymore. I don't know what this means. I just know that it's true.
It really is so much easier for my confidence to be broken down than it is to be built up.
and sometimes, I'm the one who breaks it down.
It's funny. I was just talking to my friend today about the same thing. about how my confidence level is too low. and what she said? she said that I deserved to have more confidence, that I had no reason to have such low confidence in myself.
it's easier said than done.
_________________________________________________________________
& while we're on the topic of feeling inferior/not confident, let's talk about my fears.
I'm scared of disappointing others, and failure.
While in Texas, my mom's been wanting my cousins to start teaching me Pre-Calculus.
Honest to God, I don't want to. hahaa, though I think that was implied with the words "Pre-Calculus".
I understand why she wants them to do it. To help me get ready for this coming year of high school, since it's gonna be hell.
the past few days have been great. no math at all, no mention of school, just hanging out with my cousin. man, it's been fun.
but today, she was really intent on us commencing our math tutor lessons tomorrow.
and my cousin brought out the pre-calculus book for me to look through. When she first opened the book, I was really proud of myself because I knew what was actually going on - what the terms actually meant. that is, when she turned to the middle-ish of the book. the beginning was review of algebra, then it started actually getting into pre-calc.
I don't want them to teach me because I'm a slow learner. It takes a lot of time for me to actually process the stuff in my head. sometimes, I wonder if I even have a brain.
and no, I'm not kidding. I feel like there's nothing up there. I honestly feel like I'm so effing stupid, that I don't even know how I'm going to get through the ACT or SAT or whatever we're taking Junior year. People who know me know how scared I am of the future. Gosh, I'm terrified. I think it holds absolutely nothing.
Anyway, I guess back to the topic.
I don't want to learn pre-calc with them because it really does take a long time for me to actually learn things, and I learn best by myself. because then I can concentrate, I'm not rushed. I feel like tomorrow once we start learning these lessons, I'm going to start feeling more stupid than I already feel. and that's saying something.
I'm so scared that they'll find out how stupid I am, and be so disappointed in me. yeah, that pretty much sums it all up. Two of my biggest fears, combined and making a fabulous icky sandwich.
and I'm 95% sure that's what'll happen.
I guess we'll just see how it goes tomorrow. wish me luck, guys. bedtime.
I think that's pretty much everything.
That's all my mindless ramblings so far!
hope you, uh, enjoyed?
:)
it's mostly a family trip. I'm here for my cousin Becky's wedding, and we're just staying at my cousin's house. It's been a lot of fun, for the most part. I've been hanging out with my cousin a lot - and it's weird, because I've never REALLY been super close with someone in my family except my parents.
Hanging out with him has been quite weird - I'm honestly not used to someone paying for all my food or all my things. Is this just me? I remember telling my mom after the FIRST DAY that I thought it was weird that hey paid for everything and I felt bad for not paying for it myself. But her response was, "it's okay, because he's family". Okay, I guess that made a little bit of sense in my head, but still, I'm just not used to someone in my family (aside from my parents) being so openly nice to me. Is that sad?
I think I was just surprised that he was being so nice to me.. and cared for me so much, seeing as we haven't seen each other in, like, 5 years.
so, I guess this is what 'family' feels like. I haven't experienced it much back at home.. but I like it.
You see, at home, I don't have many close family members that I can really hang out with. sure, I love my mom to death, but hanging out with her is a different story. it's just, not the same, y'know? and all the cousins that I have.. sure, I'm close with some of them.. well, not close, but I can talk to them. To the other ones, I'm kinda distant with. We don't really talk, and when we do, it's just the type of conversation that basically means "Oh, hey let's catch up, whatsup kbye."
I don't know, I hope that makes a little bit of sense in your head, because I'm just rambling here.
it feels nice to be able to just 'hang out' with my cousins, it really does. we did so much the past few days. and it really is an awesome feeling, the feeling of 'family'. it's scary how foreign it is to me, though.
Coming off the same-ish branch, this is where my yearning for a sibling comes back more powerful than ever. Seeing my cousin and his sister being so close makes me wish I had that connection with someone - I guess it's more of that 'family' feeling. Someone who would have my back, who I could always count on being there, who I can hang out with. I remember at band camp I talked to someone about my wanting for a sibling, and they were the first person who I think actually understood why I wanted a sibling. and they had a sibling themselves. I just sometimes yearn for that friend who will always be my friend, no matter what happens. that sibling who will always be there for you, who you could trust to have your back. Mmm. just some ramblings.
Though Texas has been fun and family-filled, it's had it's disadvantages.
I love family time, I do. I really do.
but for example. Me, my mom, my aunt, my other aunt, and my grandma went shopping yesterday. Yay, shopping, right? wrong.
I'm just recently grown accustomed to how I look. It was kinda after band camp, I started really starting to get confident with how I looked. Though, when you're handed multiple extra large items of clothing and told to try them on, it's kind of degrading. Kind of? let me just say it hurts.
I feel like such an idiot, feeling so degraded by something that seems so minor, maybe. To me, though, it really was the most degrading thing in the world. one of the most degrading, at least. Mostly because it's taken SO MUCH for me to actually get my confidence to that level that I had it. It's honestly harder for me to build confidence than it is to blow it all down.
Prior to that incident, I had been given a couple of Large dresses to try on. at this point, I'm happy and still proud of being me. when they don't fit, I don't really care- I didn't like them that much anyway, and sizes differ with the style. I shrug it off and I continue.
anyway, so we continue shopping, and my aunt hands me a rack of extra large items and thinks that I'll be able to fit into them perfectly.
I'm going to interrupt for a sec to say that I love my family to death. I really do. I love them. all of them. it's just, sometimes I overthink/overblow things.
Mmkay, back to the story.
Gosh, it was the worst feeling walking into the fitting room with 3 extra large dresses. they were too big on me. who knew?!
I just remember going into the fitting room, and looking at myself in the mirror. I looked at my reflection, and I just hated it. At that moment, I just remember wanting to break that mirror so I wouldn't have to look at myself. My fatness and how ugly I really was. Commence deterioration of confidence.
I understand why they did it. giving me the extra large ones to simply try on. 'Cause the large one's didn't fit. see, this is where I start blowing things outta proportion.
but still, I guess the thought of it still was quite degrading, since I JUST was able to build up all that confidence in how I looked.
I just remember trying on dresses after that, looking at myself in the mirror, and hating what I saw. I turned to my friends for help - I just remember every time I went into the fitting room, I spent more time on Facebook chatting with my friends than actually TRYING THE CLOTHES ON. can you blame me?
Oh, did I tell you? I can't believe I did this, but when I was told to try on the extra large dresses, I took pretty much 10 minutes to change. and it was just a dress you needed to slip on, too. I looked in the mirror, didn't like what I saw, and I'm not going to lie, I cried a bit. gah, I'm such a friggin' wuss.
The next few minutes were spent on Facebook, frantically looking for people to talk to, because no matter what happens, my friends never fail to make me feel better.
(So, I'm sorry if I annoyed anyone, hehe. I've been talking to a lot of people these days.)
That's pretty much it from yesterday. As the day went on I was able to try on more clothes, and actually look good in them. Still, though, my confidence took a pretty big blow. I remember last night I was talking to one of my friends and we suddenly got to the topic about how my confidence level was low.
I remember telling him that my confidence level really wasn't important. and now, thinking about that, I realized that that's really how I feel. I don't hold my self esteem or confidence to a high importance anymore. I don't know what this means. I just know that it's true.
It really is so much easier for my confidence to be broken down than it is to be built up.
and sometimes, I'm the one who breaks it down.
It's funny. I was just talking to my friend today about the same thing. about how my confidence level is too low. and what she said? she said that I deserved to have more confidence, that I had no reason to have such low confidence in myself.
it's easier said than done.
_________________________________________________________________
& while we're on the topic of feeling inferior/not confident, let's talk about my fears.
I'm scared of disappointing others, and failure.
While in Texas, my mom's been wanting my cousins to start teaching me Pre-Calculus.
Honest to God, I don't want to. hahaa, though I think that was implied with the words "Pre-Calculus".
I understand why she wants them to do it. To help me get ready for this coming year of high school, since it's gonna be hell.
the past few days have been great. no math at all, no mention of school, just hanging out with my cousin. man, it's been fun.
but today, she was really intent on us commencing our math tutor lessons tomorrow.
and my cousin brought out the pre-calculus book for me to look through. When she first opened the book, I was really proud of myself because I knew what was actually going on - what the terms actually meant. that is, when she turned to the middle-ish of the book. the beginning was review of algebra, then it started actually getting into pre-calc.
I don't want them to teach me because I'm a slow learner. It takes a lot of time for me to actually process the stuff in my head. sometimes, I wonder if I even have a brain.
and no, I'm not kidding. I feel like there's nothing up there. I honestly feel like I'm so effing stupid, that I don't even know how I'm going to get through the ACT or SAT or whatever we're taking Junior year. People who know me know how scared I am of the future. Gosh, I'm terrified. I think it holds absolutely nothing.
Anyway, I guess back to the topic.
I don't want to learn pre-calc with them because it really does take a long time for me to actually learn things, and I learn best by myself. because then I can concentrate, I'm not rushed. I feel like tomorrow once we start learning these lessons, I'm going to start feeling more stupid than I already feel. and that's saying something.
I'm so scared that they'll find out how stupid I am, and be so disappointed in me. yeah, that pretty much sums it all up. Two of my biggest fears, combined and making a fabulous icky sandwich.
and I'm 95% sure that's what'll happen.
I guess we'll just see how it goes tomorrow. wish me luck, guys. bedtime.
I think that's pretty much everything.
That's all my mindless ramblings so far!
hope you, uh, enjoyed?
:)
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
I hate this feeling.
I hate this feeling of liking somebody.
I don't really believe in relationships - I feel like they'll never last and you're just going to end up getting hurt in the end. hahah, pessimistic, huh?
I don't like liking someone because that usually makes me feel so vulnerable, so easily affected, and that feeling of weakness because your feelings seem to rely completely on the other person's actions or feelings.
How, when this person of interest seems to ignore you and not talk to you, you suddenly get really worried and freak out that he doesn't like you.
Or, maybe that's just me.
I just hate that I actually LIKE someone right now.. especially because I've liked him before.
and he keeps giving me mixed signals, which doesn't help, either.
GAAH so many questions.
man, I wish I could just come out with it, and be like "oh hey, I like you. oh, you don't like me? kay, nice knowin' ya, thanks." and move on with my life.
ahaha too bad I don't have the guts for that.
Ailkesjfaiklwdsfjioklads I don't like this feeling of liking someone.
MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP.
I don't like the feeling that I'm one of those girls who's heart flutters everytime they think of they guy they like, and smile everytime they think of the times they had.
it just makes me feel too vulnerable, too easily hurt.
and I don't like it. I like it, but I don't like it. what is wrong with me?! gahaoiweksldfj.
I don't really believe in relationships - I feel like they'll never last and you're just going to end up getting hurt in the end. hahah, pessimistic, huh?
I don't like liking someone because that usually makes me feel so vulnerable, so easily affected, and that feeling of weakness because your feelings seem to rely completely on the other person's actions or feelings.
How, when this person of interest seems to ignore you and not talk to you, you suddenly get really worried and freak out that he doesn't like you.
Or, maybe that's just me.
I just hate that I actually LIKE someone right now.. especially because I've liked him before.
and he keeps giving me mixed signals, which doesn't help, either.
GAAH so many questions.
man, I wish I could just come out with it, and be like "oh hey, I like you. oh, you don't like me? kay, nice knowin' ya, thanks." and move on with my life.
ahaha too bad I don't have the guts for that.
Ailkesjfaiklwdsfjioklads I don't like this feeling of liking someone.
MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP.
I don't like the feeling that I'm one of those girls who's heart flutters everytime they think of they guy they like, and smile everytime they think of the times they had.
it just makes me feel too vulnerable, too easily hurt.
and I don't like it. I like it, but I don't like it. what is wrong with me?! gahaoiweksldfj.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
no words to describe
I have no words to describe how sad I am to miss TAF this year.
I'd been pushing it aside for the last few months.. I had gotten over it because the end of Sophomore year was so fulfilling for me, and I had thought that missing TAF would be painful, sure, but not be such a big deal.
Until a few months ago, that is. I was hanging out with some of my TAF friends after a long time, and I realized everything that I would miss. well, the superficial 'outside' things. I'd miss the Union, the Great Room.. the feeling of togetherness when we're all in small group, the deep talks with friends, getting to know new people, being accepted, and coming back at the end of the week with a bountiful of new memories, 4 albums of pictures on Facebook, and sadness, because you'll miss everyone so much. those TAF blues. Oovooing people, even though school's about to start, and you haven't started your summer homework. Talking to TAFers, until 6 in the morning. giant video group chats, where everyone seems to be talking at the same time.
I just.. I realized how much I'd miss the little things at TAF.. the Manchester staff, the feeling of going to a workshop with your friends, doing swing choir, choir, and just gaining confidence in yourself. eating lunch with all your friends, having a little sib..
the smell of the dorm rooms, the smell of the union.. the overall feeling of being with, well, family.
I was thinking about that today. how TAF seems like a home. I thought about how I'd miss the smell of the dorm rooms, 'cept in my head, it went a little more like
"I'm going to miss the smell of home."
sure, that sounds a little weird. I'm a weird person, so you better get used to it.
then that's when it hit me. I think of TAF as a home for me. sure, I only go to this second home 7 days out of 365, but it's what happens within these 7 days that gives you that warm fuzzy feeling, that makes your heart leap when you think about TAF.
it's that bond that you seem to get with everybody, when everyone's jumping and singing to "forever young" or "heaven" at the teahouse and celebration dance.
it's that feeling you get when you are at TAF night and you realize that the end of this one fantastic week is near.
it's that feeling you get when you can't dance at the celebration dance because you know that tomorrow morning, you have to leave.
it's that feeling that you get when you're with your small group and you start crying because you shared something that you can share with no one else.
it's that feeling you get when someone helps you step out of your comfort zone, and you become a different, more confident person.
it's the feeling you get when you have a random deep conversation with one of your friends, and suddenly become so much closer.
it's that feeling when you're singing the song for choir, you look around and everyone's singing, together, and your heart is warmed.
it's that feeling you get when you're finished with swing choir and you feel like the best dancer in the world, just because you were confident and you gave it your all.
it's that feeling you get when someone comforts you when you're crying after sharing, and feeling their hand rubbing your back makes you cry even more.
it's that feeling you get when you see people who are from different cliques bond, either because of small groups, or just because they've become friends.
it's that feeling you get when you finally realize that people there accept you for who you are, no matter what you do, and that they'll always be there for you.
I could go on and on. but seeing as I'm choking back tears right now, I'd rather stop.
the point is, I'm going to miss EVERYONE at TAF so much. I see people on Facebook counting down the days to TAF.. and I think back to last year, when I was just like them, when I was packing my bags for TAF early, when I was buying food, when I was ready for another fulfilling week of memories, love, and family.
when I was just as excited as them; looking forward to seeing people I haven't seen in a year, in just 3 or 4 more days - and be able to get closer to so many more new people.
Gosh, I feel like I'm blowing this whole thing wayyy out of proportion. It's just a week. it's just some camp. it's just TAF.
but really, it's not. it's not 'just' TAF. it's more than that.
it's home, it's family, it's love, it's acceptance, it's everything that's made me who I am today and who I want to be. it's what helps me be who I am.
it's what gives me the confidence to accept who I am, and be who I wanna be.
WOW, I'm mushy. sorry, erryone.
I do wish I could go to TAF this year.. with all my heart.
but hey, I can't wait to hear about everyone's memories, I can't wait to see everyone's pictures, everyone's videos, performances, read everyone's TAF reflections. everyone's status with a line from the song from choir, all those people sign on on Oovoo, and find out whose everyone's TAF crushes were!
ahaha, have fun at TAF you guys! I'll miss you dearly.
I'd been pushing it aside for the last few months.. I had gotten over it because the end of Sophomore year was so fulfilling for me, and I had thought that missing TAF would be painful, sure, but not be such a big deal.
Until a few months ago, that is. I was hanging out with some of my TAF friends after a long time, and I realized everything that I would miss. well, the superficial 'outside' things. I'd miss the Union, the Great Room.. the feeling of togetherness when we're all in small group, the deep talks with friends, getting to know new people, being accepted, and coming back at the end of the week with a bountiful of new memories, 4 albums of pictures on Facebook, and sadness, because you'll miss everyone so much. those TAF blues. Oovooing people, even though school's about to start, and you haven't started your summer homework. Talking to TAFers, until 6 in the morning. giant video group chats, where everyone seems to be talking at the same time.
I just.. I realized how much I'd miss the little things at TAF.. the Manchester staff, the feeling of going to a workshop with your friends, doing swing choir, choir, and just gaining confidence in yourself. eating lunch with all your friends, having a little sib..
the smell of the dorm rooms, the smell of the union.. the overall feeling of being with, well, family.
I was thinking about that today. how TAF seems like a home. I thought about how I'd miss the smell of the dorm rooms, 'cept in my head, it went a little more like
"I'm going to miss the smell of home."
sure, that sounds a little weird. I'm a weird person, so you better get used to it.
then that's when it hit me. I think of TAF as a home for me. sure, I only go to this second home 7 days out of 365, but it's what happens within these 7 days that gives you that warm fuzzy feeling, that makes your heart leap when you think about TAF.
it's that bond that you seem to get with everybody, when everyone's jumping and singing to "forever young" or "heaven" at the teahouse and celebration dance.
it's that feeling you get when you are at TAF night and you realize that the end of this one fantastic week is near.
it's that feeling you get when you can't dance at the celebration dance because you know that tomorrow morning, you have to leave.
it's that feeling that you get when you're with your small group and you start crying because you shared something that you can share with no one else.
it's that feeling you get when someone helps you step out of your comfort zone, and you become a different, more confident person.
it's the feeling you get when you have a random deep conversation with one of your friends, and suddenly become so much closer.
it's that feeling when you're singing the song for choir, you look around and everyone's singing, together, and your heart is warmed.
it's that feeling you get when you're finished with swing choir and you feel like the best dancer in the world, just because you were confident and you gave it your all.
it's that feeling you get when someone comforts you when you're crying after sharing, and feeling their hand rubbing your back makes you cry even more.
it's that feeling you get when you see people who are from different cliques bond, either because of small groups, or just because they've become friends.
it's that feeling you get when you finally realize that people there accept you for who you are, no matter what you do, and that they'll always be there for you.
I could go on and on. but seeing as I'm choking back tears right now, I'd rather stop.
the point is, I'm going to miss EVERYONE at TAF so much. I see people on Facebook counting down the days to TAF.. and I think back to last year, when I was just like them, when I was packing my bags for TAF early, when I was buying food, when I was ready for another fulfilling week of memories, love, and family.
when I was just as excited as them; looking forward to seeing people I haven't seen in a year, in just 3 or 4 more days - and be able to get closer to so many more new people.
Gosh, I feel like I'm blowing this whole thing wayyy out of proportion. It's just a week. it's just some camp. it's just TAF.
but really, it's not. it's not 'just' TAF. it's more than that.
it's home, it's family, it's love, it's acceptance, it's everything that's made me who I am today and who I want to be. it's what helps me be who I am.
it's what gives me the confidence to accept who I am, and be who I wanna be.
WOW, I'm mushy. sorry, erryone.
I do wish I could go to TAF this year.. with all my heart.
but hey, I can't wait to hear about everyone's memories, I can't wait to see everyone's pictures, everyone's videos, performances, read everyone's TAF reflections. everyone's status with a line from the song from choir, all those people sign on on Oovoo, and find out whose everyone's TAF crushes were!
ahaha, have fun at TAF you guys! I'll miss you dearly.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
changing people.
Wow, I haven't posted in a long time. since the last week of school, to be exact. A month ago! I'm so sorry! I've been meaning to blog, but I always either forget/the problem is resolved.
So, I'm blogging now. Yesterday I went to the fair that takes place in my city every year - and I went with my mom. When arriving there, I saw my two friends who I used to be really close with. So, naturally, I bombard them with hugs (literally) and explain that "I missed you so much!" and "I LOVE YOU!". Although the enthusiasm was somewhat returned, I could sense a 'barrier' in our friendship, for lack of a better word.
It just didn't seem the same anymore. I don't know what happened, but we weren't that close anymore. They became really close, and didn't really include me - I guess I wasn't close friends with them anymore.
Though the thing is; every time I hung out with them, at the end of the night I'd have to fight not to get upset/depressed. They'd always insult me, jokingly of course, but it'd still make me feel inferior/dumb/upset.
I talked with my mom about this last night and we talked about how friends don't last forever. friends come and go. and while I don't like thinking that - I think it's true. My mom said that if you get too close to someone; you're bound to have a falling-out. And, I agree.
Well.. I'm having them over for a party today. we'll see how things go.
So, I'm blogging now. Yesterday I went to the fair that takes place in my city every year - and I went with my mom. When arriving there, I saw my two friends who I used to be really close with. So, naturally, I bombard them with hugs (literally) and explain that "I missed you so much!" and "I LOVE YOU!". Although the enthusiasm was somewhat returned, I could sense a 'barrier' in our friendship, for lack of a better word.
It just didn't seem the same anymore. I don't know what happened, but we weren't that close anymore. They became really close, and didn't really include me - I guess I wasn't close friends with them anymore.
Though the thing is; every time I hung out with them, at the end of the night I'd have to fight not to get upset/depressed. They'd always insult me, jokingly of course, but it'd still make me feel inferior/dumb/upset.
I talked with my mom about this last night and we talked about how friends don't last forever. friends come and go. and while I don't like thinking that - I think it's true. My mom said that if you get too close to someone; you're bound to have a falling-out. And, I agree.
Well.. I'm having them over for a party today. we'll see how things go.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I'm so sick.
I'm so sick of absolutely everything. I can't believe I'm doing this, but I'm blogging in school right now. To me, that seems absolutely ridiculous..
I'm so sick of school. I know everyone normally is, but I hadn't felt it until now. I continuously try to feel the confidence and the happiness that theater gives me, but I can't help but feel like I'm losing some people in my life and I'm also losing that sensation of happiness that I had.
I hope this is just a passing feeling, and won't last long. I think I'm just having a bad day.
I'm just so fucking sick of school, and life, and everything.
it's funny how history tends to repeat itself, no matter how much you try to stop it.
Please let this just be a bad day.
23 days. I need to get out.
I'll talk later, maybe. I'm not feeling up to it right now.
I'm so sick of school. I know everyone normally is, but I hadn't felt it until now. I continuously try to feel the confidence and the happiness that theater gives me, but I can't help but feel like I'm losing some people in my life and I'm also losing that sensation of happiness that I had.
I hope this is just a passing feeling, and won't last long. I think I'm just having a bad day.
I'm just so fucking sick of school, and life, and everything.
it's funny how history tends to repeat itself, no matter how much you try to stop it.
Please let this just be a bad day.
23 days. I need to get out.
I'll talk later, maybe. I'm not feeling up to it right now.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
After Juliet: the experience.
Holy, crap.
All I can say is, After Juliet was one of the best experiences in my life. It was the thing that always got me pumped to wake up in the morning, and even though sometimes I felt left out, it was still so much fun. being around those awesome people.
I feel so hypocritical, with my last post. but honestly.. it was one of the best experiences of my life.
this is a week late, but I'm still feeling the love.
being in this play really gave me confidence; and that's something I needed.
Constantly, I'm uncomfortable with who I am and I don't feel confident, at all.
Being in After Juliet made me so happy; and I love all the new friends I made, and the new people I met.
It really gave me the encouragement and confidence that I could be myself, and people would love me for that.
How I found out? I guess I realized it late, but it was at the first cast party- on Friday. Matt gave me some Monster (hehe..) and sure, I guess that contributed a bit to my energy and happiness,
but I realized that the monster wasn't really what made me so hyper/happy that day. I was just really, really happy. to be in that place, surrounded by those amazing people, and we had just finished our first show - 'cause it was opening night!
It was such an exhilirating feeling, walking out for curtain call that first night.. it really was just a sense of, "OH MY GOSH. WE DID IT. WE FREAKIN' DID IT." and that's when it hit me how much I really did love the experience.
We had the prayer circle the first night - and automatically I found myself crying. That was when I looked around, and I felt the bond that we all had with each other. Sure, some people I didn't know that well. but I feel like the theater experience really pulled us together; and that's when it hit me- the family that we are.
Anyway - I realized that I really hadn't felt that happy in such a long time. Sure, I've been happy, content, satisfied.. but I haven't been EXHILIRATED, I hadn't felt my heart lift and heart pump that fast. I hadn't automatically had a smile on my face in a long time.
Second prayer circle, I really did feel the love. I felt the love, so much. Maybe i'm just overexaggerating.. but still. We did "Good show".. and the thing I said was,
"I'm coming out of my comfort zone.. and I love it."
Because it's true. Even AUDITIONING for this play was SUCH a huge step for me. I could never have done it, either, if my friend Tim didn't pressure me to do it. And I am so thankful for that. stepping out of my comfort zone, man, I grew guts.
and I needed guts. I needed confidence, I needed to feel good about who I was.
I needed to feel that, the way I haven't felt in such a long time.
I said that sentence.. and when I reached the words "comfort zone", I started choking up, and the tears came. no matter how much I didn't want to cry.
And I really did love it. I loved it, so much. I was always SO excited to go to rehearsal.. and I found myself really wanting to bond with each member of the cast and the crew. It just felt so exhilirating and amazing to be with these amazing people, and being on stage. and every night, when we finished the show.. that feeling came back - that feeling of extreme happiness, and exhiliration.
I'm using the word 'exhilirating' a lot.. but I hope that gives you a sense of how AMAZING that feeling was- of accomplishment, and joy.
I really hadn't been that happy in a long time.
I realized that the last night - closing night. I was more sad than I thought I'd be. I thought it'd just be another night for me.. but I found myself being really depressed that this wonderful experience was now about to end. I regretted not putting myself out there sooner, and getting to know these amazing people sooner.
I said that in the prayer circle.. and I started crying, again. It was such an amazing experience, and I really didn't want it to end.
I realized how much I was ACCEPTED.
and for those of you that know me, you know how much that means to me. being accepted. or having that feeling of acceptance. I remember that I thought people would think I was weird, so I held back and I wasn't myself at rehearsals - I was really afraid to be. But at the last cast party, I was just so happy and so exhilirated that I really was myself; the joyful, bubbly, jumpin' around, hyper, self.
I hadn't BEEN that self.. in such a long time.
I know this sounds extremely repetitive, but I'm sorry. it's true.
I remember the last time I was truly that happy and that hyper, I was at my friend Samantha's house, and we were just hanging out, playing video games. I became hyper all of a sudden, and I remember what hit me that night was, they just didn't agree with it. they didn't accept this side of me. I remember all they said was they thought I was weird, and that they hadn't seen that side of me since, well, 7th grade.
And I thought about that. it's true. After 7th grade, I calmed down and I wasn't that self anymore. I wasn't that hyper self. I didn't know what happened - life, maybe.
well, the point is.. being in this acting experience really brought that back for me. It gave me the confidence to feel comfortable with being myself, and it assured me that I could really be accepted for who I was. Just that feeling of acceptance and reassurance.. it felt so heartwarming.
I really had been the happiest I've been in a while.
I'm pretty sure I'm overthinking things, and I'm blowing things way out of proportion. but the truth is, in theater.. anyone who even helped me or talked to me, meant so much to me. ahahah, that sounds so weird.. but it's true.
Because it just meant so much to me, that even after I was myself, my "weird" self, they still accepted me and loved me.. for me.
I think I'll just stop here, with this extremely sappy blog.
but I'll sum things up.
Conclusion: Being in After Juliet really gave me SO much confidence and so much pride.. it really helped me find myself, find who I was, and know that I could be myself, and people would love me, for me. I realized that theater was somewhere I could be accepted for who I was, and that really did mean the world ot me.
Honestly, I hadn't felt that since TAF.
but I'm glad I found something else that gives me that. because I absolutely love it.
It was honestly the happiest I'd felt in a while - I found out that I was loved, and accepted.. for who I was. Me. I was accepted, and loved.. for just being me.
and truly.. that means the world to me.
So thank you, everyone who helped me realize that.
and that would be EVERYONE who was involved in After Juliet - The cast, the crew, and the people who went to support me.
Thank you, so much. for giving me the best experience of my life. for letting me know that I could be myself. for allowing me to gain confidence to be who I was. for letting me be comfortable with being myself.
and most of all, for accepting and loving me, for just me.
It means the WORLD to me. I wish that one day, I could do the same for every one of you.
Thank you. I love you ALL.
All I can say is, After Juliet was one of the best experiences in my life. It was the thing that always got me pumped to wake up in the morning, and even though sometimes I felt left out, it was still so much fun. being around those awesome people.
I feel so hypocritical, with my last post. but honestly.. it was one of the best experiences of my life.
this is a week late, but I'm still feeling the love.
being in this play really gave me confidence; and that's something I needed.
Constantly, I'm uncomfortable with who I am and I don't feel confident, at all.
Being in After Juliet made me so happy; and I love all the new friends I made, and the new people I met.
It really gave me the encouragement and confidence that I could be myself, and people would love me for that.
How I found out? I guess I realized it late, but it was at the first cast party- on Friday. Matt gave me some Monster (hehe..) and sure, I guess that contributed a bit to my energy and happiness,
but I realized that the monster wasn't really what made me so hyper/happy that day. I was just really, really happy. to be in that place, surrounded by those amazing people, and we had just finished our first show - 'cause it was opening night!
It was such an exhilirating feeling, walking out for curtain call that first night.. it really was just a sense of, "OH MY GOSH. WE DID IT. WE FREAKIN' DID IT." and that's when it hit me how much I really did love the experience.
We had the prayer circle the first night - and automatically I found myself crying. That was when I looked around, and I felt the bond that we all had with each other. Sure, some people I didn't know that well. but I feel like the theater experience really pulled us together; and that's when it hit me- the family that we are.
Anyway - I realized that I really hadn't felt that happy in such a long time. Sure, I've been happy, content, satisfied.. but I haven't been EXHILIRATED, I hadn't felt my heart lift and heart pump that fast. I hadn't automatically had a smile on my face in a long time.
Second prayer circle, I really did feel the love. I felt the love, so much. Maybe i'm just overexaggerating.. but still. We did "Good show".. and the thing I said was,
"I'm coming out of my comfort zone.. and I love it."
Because it's true. Even AUDITIONING for this play was SUCH a huge step for me. I could never have done it, either, if my friend Tim didn't pressure me to do it. And I am so thankful for that. stepping out of my comfort zone, man, I grew guts.
and I needed guts. I needed confidence, I needed to feel good about who I was.
I needed to feel that, the way I haven't felt in such a long time.
I said that sentence.. and when I reached the words "comfort zone", I started choking up, and the tears came. no matter how much I didn't want to cry.
And I really did love it. I loved it, so much. I was always SO excited to go to rehearsal.. and I found myself really wanting to bond with each member of the cast and the crew. It just felt so exhilirating and amazing to be with these amazing people, and being on stage. and every night, when we finished the show.. that feeling came back - that feeling of extreme happiness, and exhiliration.
I'm using the word 'exhilirating' a lot.. but I hope that gives you a sense of how AMAZING that feeling was- of accomplishment, and joy.
I really hadn't been that happy in a long time.
I realized that the last night - closing night. I was more sad than I thought I'd be. I thought it'd just be another night for me.. but I found myself being really depressed that this wonderful experience was now about to end. I regretted not putting myself out there sooner, and getting to know these amazing people sooner.
I said that in the prayer circle.. and I started crying, again. It was such an amazing experience, and I really didn't want it to end.
I realized how much I was ACCEPTED.
and for those of you that know me, you know how much that means to me. being accepted. or having that feeling of acceptance. I remember that I thought people would think I was weird, so I held back and I wasn't myself at rehearsals - I was really afraid to be. But at the last cast party, I was just so happy and so exhilirated that I really was myself; the joyful, bubbly, jumpin' around, hyper, self.
I hadn't BEEN that self.. in such a long time.
I know this sounds extremely repetitive, but I'm sorry. it's true.
I remember the last time I was truly that happy and that hyper, I was at my friend Samantha's house, and we were just hanging out, playing video games. I became hyper all of a sudden, and I remember what hit me that night was, they just didn't agree with it. they didn't accept this side of me. I remember all they said was they thought I was weird, and that they hadn't seen that side of me since, well, 7th grade.
And I thought about that. it's true. After 7th grade, I calmed down and I wasn't that self anymore. I wasn't that hyper self. I didn't know what happened - life, maybe.
well, the point is.. being in this acting experience really brought that back for me. It gave me the confidence to feel comfortable with being myself, and it assured me that I could really be accepted for who I was. Just that feeling of acceptance and reassurance.. it felt so heartwarming.
I really had been the happiest I've been in a while.
I'm pretty sure I'm overthinking things, and I'm blowing things way out of proportion. but the truth is, in theater.. anyone who even helped me or talked to me, meant so much to me. ahahah, that sounds so weird.. but it's true.
Because it just meant so much to me, that even after I was myself, my "weird" self, they still accepted me and loved me.. for me.
I think I'll just stop here, with this extremely sappy blog.
but I'll sum things up.
Conclusion: Being in After Juliet really gave me SO much confidence and so much pride.. it really helped me find myself, find who I was, and know that I could be myself, and people would love me, for me. I realized that theater was somewhere I could be accepted for who I was, and that really did mean the world ot me.
Honestly, I hadn't felt that since TAF.
but I'm glad I found something else that gives me that. because I absolutely love it.
It was honestly the happiest I'd felt in a while - I found out that I was loved, and accepted.. for who I was. Me. I was accepted, and loved.. for just being me.
and truly.. that means the world to me.
So thank you, everyone who helped me realize that.
and that would be EVERYONE who was involved in After Juliet - The cast, the crew, and the people who went to support me.
Thank you, so much. for giving me the best experience of my life. for letting me know that I could be myself. for allowing me to gain confidence to be who I was. for letting me be comfortable with being myself.
and most of all, for accepting and loving me, for just me.
It means the WORLD to me. I wish that one day, I could do the same for every one of you.
Thank you. I love you ALL.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Identity: Unknown
Alright. so. this took a while for me to type. Partly because of procrastination and all, but also, a part of me wanted to hold off on blogging about this particular subject in hopes that things would change, things would get better, and I simply wouldn't have to blog about this.
But I guess I have to.
If you're reading this blog, you probably know that I am in fact in the spring play at our school. And I am super excited about it.
I remember the first day I went to theater; I met this one girl (I don't want to mention names) and I remember that she was one of the nicest people I'd ever met. She was the one who started talking to me, the awkward lonely Asian kid watching everyone else have fun. She helped me get involved, and participate.
But however as these meetings went on, I found it harder and harder to fit in with a certain group. Because as it is in every where we go, there are specific cliques of people. Even in theater- which my friend had classified as 'accepting'. I guess I can see why it's accepting; I see so many people who are just themselves in theater. but personally, for me, I find it especially hard to fit in with one group. I find myself often alone, looking at the other groups and wishing that I could be open enough and be confident enough to be able to converse with them and hang out with them.
Speaking of Confidence.. oh, man. Confidence.
Something I've realized that I've come to lack. I find it so hard in theater to be myself, I think. I know that when I'm with my friends at school I tend to be carefree, happy, and I often try not to care about what others say or think of me. That's who I had classified myself as. Those were traits I was proud of.
But every time I walk into a theater rehearsal, when I try to be that person I am with my friends, I can't seem to do it. I can't seem to fit in the right way, and when I do try to go all out and give myself a little pride, I feel that I'm rejected more because of that, and my self esteem lowers even more as a result.
I feel conceited right now; I do hope you don't think the same of me.
I don't know. It's hard to explain. I wish I could be so much more. I mean, I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know if I can be proud of being me anymore, because who am I? Every time I try to fit in with the cast, I feel like I'm fake, that I have a giant mask on, and even with that mask on, I don't feel like I can be accepted.
What is with society? First of all, the cliques. but not just the cliques. the tendency to only accept certain people, who look and act a certain way. I constantly feel, nowadays that I'm just simply not good enough.
I know that I've been told that I AM good enough; but with all that's going on, it's easier said than done.
As some of you may know, these last weeks of May are super busy for me. And I honestly don't even know if I can handle it. At times, I just want to give up and float. Sounds funny, huh? floating? Well, that's what I'd like to do. without a care in the world. Man, I miss that feeling.
I'm sorry I don't look like she does, I'm sorry I don't ACT like she does, And I'm sorry you guys can't accept me for who I am. I'm sorry, because I can barely accept myself, either.
AP Euro has been a fun class this year, I'm not going to lie. these past few tests, I've been getting better. but at the review sessions for the test, I find myself drawing back, and losing confidence in myself. I don't take charge. My friends answer the questions for me- all I do, is sit back and nod. and at times, object; but only to be corrected.
man, I hope no one reads this.
I leave those sessions at approximately 9pm, and when I get home, I sometimes just sit there, and my brain feels empty. I sometimes wonder what it feels like to be super smart. because I know I'm not. I know some of my friends object when I say this about myself. but honestly, sometimes I just feel nothing in my brain. it just feels empty and hollow.
My confidence has been drained so drastically these past few months. Whenever I try to be myself in theater, I find myself being rejected, or feeling more alone than I did before. I feel as though I'm simply not good enough to be accepted within the specific cliques- that I just don't have a place there.
and honestly- I don't know if I have a place there at all.
or, here. or anywhere, for that matter.
it's just, so often I feel like I'm a constant disappointment to myself, and this causes me to feel as though I'm a constant disappointment to others. and I'm so scared of disappointing others.
I don't know who I am. sure, I used to classify myself has happy, proud, confident, shameless, and carefree. but why is it that when I go to theater, where people claim to fit in and be accepted the most, that I can barely even bring myself to speak my mind?
I find myself constantly wanting to be like "that other girl" who is super skinny, and flirts with all the guys. but that's just not me. I don't want to be like her. Why do I want to be like her? Because she has that group. she has that group of friends- but the one thing I especially notice about her is that she holds her head up high. she's confident, and proud of who she is.
Recently I had played piccolo in band.
Wow, I really do hope no one reads this. but someone probably will, so, hi!
anyway. I had been given the honor/role of playing piccolo in band. and I had the music down. and piccolo, I'd say is a naturally loud instrument. I found it hard to play with my heart, but I instead found myself holding back, because I was scared. I don't know what I was scared of, but I just wasn't confident.
holy crap, this post sucks.
I just.. I just wish that I could be more confident.
I feel really redundant, saying that over and over and over again.
but really.. I keep hoping that I'll be able to be more confident and I won't be shy and shy away from everyone in theater- because I don't believe that's who I am. Well, I didn't believe that's who I was.
Now, I'm just not so sure. I find myself sitting alone, doing homework.. and when I do talk to someone I can barely hold a conversation. I end up saying a few words, and then shying away.
Damn it, I just wish I could be like 'that one girl'. I wish I had a place. I wish I was good enough.
gosh, this post sucks.
if this wasn't the end, I'd tell you not to read it.
seeya.
I'll probably blog tomorrow, or sometime -- when the feelings are more fresh. right now, it's 10, and it's been 4 hours. so, it's kinda died away.
tomorrow, it'll probably happen again. but I'll probably just deal with it anyway.
Seey'all later. thanks for giving me your time.
But I guess I have to.
If you're reading this blog, you probably know that I am in fact in the spring play at our school. And I am super excited about it.
I remember the first day I went to theater; I met this one girl (I don't want to mention names) and I remember that she was one of the nicest people I'd ever met. She was the one who started talking to me, the awkward lonely Asian kid watching everyone else have fun. She helped me get involved, and participate.
But however as these meetings went on, I found it harder and harder to fit in with a certain group. Because as it is in every where we go, there are specific cliques of people. Even in theater- which my friend had classified as 'accepting'. I guess I can see why it's accepting; I see so many people who are just themselves in theater. but personally, for me, I find it especially hard to fit in with one group. I find myself often alone, looking at the other groups and wishing that I could be open enough and be confident enough to be able to converse with them and hang out with them.
Speaking of Confidence.. oh, man. Confidence.
Something I've realized that I've come to lack. I find it so hard in theater to be myself, I think. I know that when I'm with my friends at school I tend to be carefree, happy, and I often try not to care about what others say or think of me. That's who I had classified myself as. Those were traits I was proud of.
But every time I walk into a theater rehearsal, when I try to be that person I am with my friends, I can't seem to do it. I can't seem to fit in the right way, and when I do try to go all out and give myself a little pride, I feel that I'm rejected more because of that, and my self esteem lowers even more as a result.
I feel conceited right now; I do hope you don't think the same of me.
I don't know. It's hard to explain. I wish I could be so much more. I mean, I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know if I can be proud of being me anymore, because who am I? Every time I try to fit in with the cast, I feel like I'm fake, that I have a giant mask on, and even with that mask on, I don't feel like I can be accepted.
What is with society? First of all, the cliques. but not just the cliques. the tendency to only accept certain people, who look and act a certain way. I constantly feel, nowadays that I'm just simply not good enough.
I know that I've been told that I AM good enough; but with all that's going on, it's easier said than done.
As some of you may know, these last weeks of May are super busy for me. And I honestly don't even know if I can handle it. At times, I just want to give up and float. Sounds funny, huh? floating? Well, that's what I'd like to do. without a care in the world. Man, I miss that feeling.
I'm sorry I don't look like she does, I'm sorry I don't ACT like she does, And I'm sorry you guys can't accept me for who I am. I'm sorry, because I can barely accept myself, either.
AP Euro has been a fun class this year, I'm not going to lie. these past few tests, I've been getting better. but at the review sessions for the test, I find myself drawing back, and losing confidence in myself. I don't take charge. My friends answer the questions for me- all I do, is sit back and nod. and at times, object; but only to be corrected.
man, I hope no one reads this.
I leave those sessions at approximately 9pm, and when I get home, I sometimes just sit there, and my brain feels empty. I sometimes wonder what it feels like to be super smart. because I know I'm not. I know some of my friends object when I say this about myself. but honestly, sometimes I just feel nothing in my brain. it just feels empty and hollow.
My confidence has been drained so drastically these past few months. Whenever I try to be myself in theater, I find myself being rejected, or feeling more alone than I did before. I feel as though I'm simply not good enough to be accepted within the specific cliques- that I just don't have a place there.
and honestly- I don't know if I have a place there at all.
or, here. or anywhere, for that matter.
it's just, so often I feel like I'm a constant disappointment to myself, and this causes me to feel as though I'm a constant disappointment to others. and I'm so scared of disappointing others.
I don't know who I am. sure, I used to classify myself has happy, proud, confident, shameless, and carefree. but why is it that when I go to theater, where people claim to fit in and be accepted the most, that I can barely even bring myself to speak my mind?
I find myself constantly wanting to be like "that other girl" who is super skinny, and flirts with all the guys. but that's just not me. I don't want to be like her. Why do I want to be like her? Because she has that group. she has that group of friends- but the one thing I especially notice about her is that she holds her head up high. she's confident, and proud of who she is.
Recently I had played piccolo in band.
Wow, I really do hope no one reads this. but someone probably will, so, hi!
anyway. I had been given the honor/role of playing piccolo in band. and I had the music down. and piccolo, I'd say is a naturally loud instrument. I found it hard to play with my heart, but I instead found myself holding back, because I was scared. I don't know what I was scared of, but I just wasn't confident.
holy crap, this post sucks.
I just.. I just wish that I could be more confident.
I feel really redundant, saying that over and over and over again.
but really.. I keep hoping that I'll be able to be more confident and I won't be shy and shy away from everyone in theater- because I don't believe that's who I am. Well, I didn't believe that's who I was.
Now, I'm just not so sure. I find myself sitting alone, doing homework.. and when I do talk to someone I can barely hold a conversation. I end up saying a few words, and then shying away.
Damn it, I just wish I could be like 'that one girl'. I wish I had a place. I wish I was good enough.
gosh, this post sucks.
if this wasn't the end, I'd tell you not to read it.
seeya.
I'll probably blog tomorrow, or sometime -- when the feelings are more fresh. right now, it's 10, and it's been 4 hours. so, it's kinda died away.
tomorrow, it'll probably happen again. but I'll probably just deal with it anyway.
Seey'all later. thanks for giving me your time.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
TAF 2011.
TAF 2011.
I can't go.
I found out last night that band camp is pretty much the same exact week as TAF.
I couldn't believe it, and I refreshed the page about 1 million times - those letters, in size 12 Times New Roman, were there, and I couldn't change them.
I was sick to my stomach, and I could honestly say my heart hurt. Sounds over dramatic, yeah, but I'm a dramatic person. I feel like my heart broke. and gah, I hate admitting this.. but I started crying. I feel so weak and dumb, admitting that I cried over a "silly" summer camp. but I did, and they were honest tears, I was honestly crying, and I cried myself to sleep.
ha, I can't believe how overdramatic this is. but its true..
Seems silly, doesn't it? To get all frazzled about not going to a one week summer camp? Yeah, perhaps. I told my friend today, and she really didn't care, proclaiming she was never able to go to her church retreat as a result of band camp as well.
but TAF means SO much to me. having realized that I couldn't go this year, I realized how much TAF has changed me, how much it's affected me. I can honestly say that I am not who I am without TAF. Every year, I feel as though TAF comes at the perfect time, and finds a way to help me overcome my problems.
this past year, it showed me to extent to which I was accepted. how I was loved, and worthy to be loved. I learned so much this past year, I met and I got to know so many amazing, wonderful people, and I was looking forward to meeting more, and getting closer to them this year.
Being accepted this year at TAF was a big deal for me. that year, before TAF, I had been struggling with my self identity, questioning my worth and who I was, and what I could grow up to be. TAF 2010 showed me how much I was accepted and that I could be accepted for who I was and that I was loved, and worthy.
It came at the perfect time, TAF did.
it meant so much to me. I guess you could some how see that by my 10 page TAF reflection, 2/3 of which I babbled on about ACCEPTANCE and how LOVED I felt at TAF.
I've been losing that, recently. I'm not feeling the acceptance as much, and I find myself questioning who I am again, and holding back just to be scared of what people think.
TAF 100% made me who I am today. I wouldn't be who I am without TAF. TAF changed my life, changed my outlook on life, and I can say that TAF has affected me in a way so deep that it's hit home. TAF gives me a boost of self confidence and a feeling of acceptance, that sometimes you can't seem to find anywhere else. what better is there, to start your school year?
TAF makes me who I am.
So, can you blame me if I secretly cried all night when I found out I couldn't go?
that still sounds silly to me.
let's see. this year was the YEAR. I was going to sign up to be Slideshow coordinator, to take pictures with my camera all week, and then to get that elated feeling of looking up on the screen at TAF Night, seeing a reflection of the week, happy faces, and get that warm and fuzzy feeling that I can only seem to find at Christmas.
This year was the year, where I was going to bond with my little sib once again, and meet new people.
This year was the year that I would give back, finally, to the place that gave ME my life, and helped me become who I am today.
sounds corny, huh? I like corn.
oh, and that delicious Manchester food. the union. damn, I miss it.
but you see, that's mostly it. the part I was SO SO SO excited about. GIVING BACK TO TAF. I remember all in JH, Roger, our speaker would always say about "Giving back to TAF". and at that point, I didn't know how I ever could. I didn't realize how much TAF had given ME, and how much it had changed my life.
this last year, TAF 2010, was definitely one of the most best years of my life. and if you tell me to remember one highlight, I'll say TAF 2010.
it taught me so much - after TAF, I had gone home and spent hours on that Sunday telling my mom EVERYTHING we'd done at TAF.. not just a 'nothing' or 'the usual', I sat down and I told her EVERYTHING, brimming with excitement and memories of the past week. the best week of my life.
That night, she had emailed me and saw the change that TAF had made in me.
I still remember when we had to write on the Youth Paper, and I believe it was Julianne who wrote,
"Home is where the heart is. TAF is home." - or something along those lines.
TAF IS HOME. TAF is where my heart is.
I miss it, every day. I think about the experiences and the changes that TAF had brought in me, and I'm so thankful for all that it's done for me. Compared to my old 7th grade self- shy, timid, embarrassed, saying sorry at EVERYTHING... TAF changed my life, and made me who I am today. TAF is the entire reason why I've changed and become who I am. It's shown me that I can be more than just a person, that I can do more in the world.. and it's shown me what I can do with my life.
TAF means the WORLD to me. and I mean that.
So, yes, I cried last night when I found out I couldn't go. My heart broke in pieces, I had a pain and was sick to my stomach, and I couldn't think of anything besides the fact that I couldn't go to TAF. I wanted MORE THAN ANYTHING to go to TAF this year after all it had shown me and done for me last year.
I'm being overdramatic.
heck, no one's this obsessed about not being able to go to TAF.
I mean, heck, I'm blogging about it, and I've been listening to TAF songs for the past hour.
Well.. I just thought I'd blow off some steam.
sorry for being so overdramatic, aha.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Moments so dear
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love?
How about love? Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love
Sounds of laughter shades of life
are ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
scared.
we're back to this feeling. I HATED this feeling. I thought I had gotten over it. I thought I was okay. TAF had showed me how accepted I Would be, and there were people there to assure me that I was worth it.
but now, I read my yearbook. I see the autographs that tell me to keep my head up, the autographs that assure me that I AM good enough, but I can't believe them. I want to, trust me, oh, hell, I want to, but I can't. I think I've read it too many times. it's lost it's special-ness. that's not a word, but I hope you guys know what I mean.
at least to me, I feel like I've read it too many times. it's lost it's sentimentality, it's lost it's reassuring tone that used to warm my heart and make me smile whenever I read it.
but I want to feel that again.
today was enrollment for classes. I hate this time of year. I hate it. so much. not only the fact that I'm moving along my path in high school, all this talk of COLLEGE and your schedule and what you want to be when you grow up is being thrown around.
Honestly, I know what I want to be. kind of. I want to be a musician, or a photographer. 'cause honestly, I think those are the only two things I have going for me. But why is it that when everyone asked me today what fI want to be, I couldn't bring myself to tell them? I told them, "Oh, I dunno. Haven't figured that out yet." but in reality, it's the complete opposite. I HAVE figured it out. haven't I?!
so then, why can't I bring myself to tell anyone?
I'm just taking a wild guess - but I think I'm afraid that I won't get there. I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint them; so I just don't tell anyone what I want to be. then they won't be disappointed.
I was caught by a sudden feeling of fear today. that I wouldn't get into college. Yeah, that sounds silly. sounds like a silly thing for me to be freaking out about, but I freaked out about it anyway. honestly.. I'm not in all honors, I'm iffy about taking 3 AP's next year, because I'm questioning if I can do it or not.
My friend told me she thought I could handle it. I can't bring myself to believe her either.
I can't really put what I feel into words right now. I feel like a selfish brat, complaining about all of this.
but honestly, I have no idea how to put what I feel into words.
I'm discouraged more and more often these days. and I don't know why. I just randomly get these pangs of discouragement - that I feel like I'm not good enough, that I won't be able to get anywhere..
huh, it's like a repeat of last year.
but, I keep telling myself, TAF fixed that for me! people assured me that I WAS good enough, that I have strengths..
but I can't help but think that they were mistaken.
I honestly,don't feel like I'm going anywhere.
photography? whatta joke. I suck.
music? sure. alright. but.. the idea of my future scares me.
that's it. my future scares me. I hit it on the nose.
ah, I'm going to go to bed. hopefully things will be better in the morning. sorry for complaining. just trying to get it all off my shoulders.
g'night, everyone. thanks for reading <3
but now, I read my yearbook. I see the autographs that tell me to keep my head up, the autographs that assure me that I AM good enough, but I can't believe them. I want to, trust me, oh, hell, I want to, but I can't. I think I've read it too many times. it's lost it's special-ness. that's not a word, but I hope you guys know what I mean.
at least to me, I feel like I've read it too many times. it's lost it's sentimentality, it's lost it's reassuring tone that used to warm my heart and make me smile whenever I read it.
but I want to feel that again.
today was enrollment for classes. I hate this time of year. I hate it. so much. not only the fact that I'm moving along my path in high school, all this talk of COLLEGE and your schedule and what you want to be when you grow up is being thrown around.
Honestly, I know what I want to be. kind of. I want to be a musician, or a photographer. 'cause honestly, I think those are the only two things I have going for me. But why is it that when everyone asked me today what fI want to be, I couldn't bring myself to tell them? I told them, "Oh, I dunno. Haven't figured that out yet." but in reality, it's the complete opposite. I HAVE figured it out. haven't I?!
so then, why can't I bring myself to tell anyone?
I'm just taking a wild guess - but I think I'm afraid that I won't get there. I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint them; so I just don't tell anyone what I want to be. then they won't be disappointed.
I was caught by a sudden feeling of fear today. that I wouldn't get into college. Yeah, that sounds silly. sounds like a silly thing for me to be freaking out about, but I freaked out about it anyway. honestly.. I'm not in all honors, I'm iffy about taking 3 AP's next year, because I'm questioning if I can do it or not.
My friend told me she thought I could handle it. I can't bring myself to believe her either.
I can't really put what I feel into words right now. I feel like a selfish brat, complaining about all of this.
but honestly, I have no idea how to put what I feel into words.
I'm discouraged more and more often these days. and I don't know why. I just randomly get these pangs of discouragement - that I feel like I'm not good enough, that I won't be able to get anywhere..
huh, it's like a repeat of last year.
but, I keep telling myself, TAF fixed that for me! people assured me that I WAS good enough, that I have strengths..
but I can't help but think that they were mistaken.
I honestly,don't feel like I'm going anywhere.
photography? whatta joke. I suck.
music? sure. alright. but.. the idea of my future scares me.
that's it. my future scares me. I hit it on the nose.
ah, I'm going to go to bed. hopefully things will be better in the morning. sorry for complaining. just trying to get it all off my shoulders.
g'night, everyone. thanks for reading <3
Saturday, January 1, 2011
it's a new year, a new beginning, a fresh start.
hey everyone! happy new year! happy 2011! :)
it's January 1st 2011.
I can't believe it's already been a whole year. I can't believe that 2010 is over. because honestly, 2010 was a pretty good year for me. I look back in the year, and I can't help but feeling sad it's over. I can't help but smile when I think about how I've grown and how I've changed as a person, the people I've met, the person I've become.
The things I went through, the experiences I had, the memories I've made, are just so memorable. I can't believe this year ended.
On the other hand, I guess I should be happy that 2011 is starting. A new year! another year to grow and make memories.
it's bittersweet. Although I'm happy with all that I've done in 2010, sometimes I can't help but look back on 2010 and ask myself,
"what have I done?"
I mean yeah. 2010 was a pretty good year for me. I'm happy with who I've become and the friends I've made, the person I am. but what have I done, like, with my life? I can't help but feeling that. and I don't want to jinx 2011. I want 2011 to be as good as 2010 was. I'd be super content with that.
but on the other hand, I think that there were some things in 2010 that I haven't done. Some things have stayed the same, and that's what bugs me the most. But I guess that's what New Years resolutions are for, huh?
It's a new year. 2011. live it up! supposedly it's the year before the world ends.
happy 2011, everyone! I know this was a short post, I'll write more soon, I promise.
hope everyone had a great Christmas & New Year!
or just a great holiday season.
happy 2011! HAPPY NEW YEAR!
2011, whoop whoop, live it up! :D
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