new years resolutions

here are my new years resolutions. belated, but oh well.

1) stop swearing.
As you might be able to tell, the few of you who read this, I deleted my last post because honestly every other word was a swear word. I'm stopping. it's unladylike and just unattractive.

2) gain confidence.
Need I say more?! that's pretty much it. I have a crappy self esteem and I'm the one who usually brings that upon myself. I need to stop that, and be able to be proud of who I am and just be confident.


that's pretty much it, actually. short and simple.

peace ∞

can I please just float away

I haven't blogged in a while.
so I guess I'll do that now, while I'm stressed as fuck and trying to not study for physics.
Life's been decent, you could say. perhaps a little more on the lower side, but who am I to complain. I've got it good compared to others. so, it's decent.

Ugh I just lost all motivation to blog, too.

Sorry guys. I don't know what the hell I'm doing these days.

'cause when a heart breaks, it don't break even.

Sorry I'm doing so many posts today. hahaha.
I could make this all one post, but my thoughts are scattered, so deal with it.
I'm scared of getting hurt. I'm scared of being let down, because honestly I don't want to put myself through more pain that I really have to go through.
I think that's why I'm scared of liking someone. because I know that that person doesn't like me back, and I would honestly rather not put my feelings and my sanity through more pain than it has to.


here, let me explain a little more.
so, there's this guy. and I like him. I do. I've admitted it. but.. I don't think he likes me back. not like that, at least.
so my solution is to get over him. to stop liking him like that, and just go back to being good ol' friends.
reasonable solution, yes? I don't want to get my hopes up only for it to not go anywhere.
because I feel like in the end, if I keep feeling this way, it'll just be a letdown in the end. I mean, if he starts to like me back then well I guess that of course won't be a letdown, but I don't think there's a possibility of that.
I just.. don't want to get hurt.
and I think that's all liking someone does. it just leads to hurt.



for someone so optimistic about life, I'm really pessimistic about relationships, I think.

i'm still alive, but i'm barely breathing.

“A guy out there was meant to be the love of your life, your best friend, your soul mate. The one you can tell your dreams to. He’ll brush the hair out of your eyes. Send you flowers when you least expect it. He’ll stare at you during the movies, even thought he paid $8 to see it. He’ll call to say goodnight or just because he is missing you. He’ll look in your eyes and tell you, you’re the most beautiful girl in the world, and for the first time in your life, you’ll believe it."
sometimes I think that my idea of a relationship is TOO ideal. too perfect. too unbelievable.
it's too "Disney". too, fake. too imaginary, too fantasy.
all the same, I just wish that maybe it could come true.

the line in that quote that appealed to me the most was "he'll tell you you're the most beautiful girl in the world, and for the first time in your life, you'll believe it." honestly, I wish I could.
believe that, that is.
because recently, my self esteem is going down the toilet. which is ironic, because last night was homecoming which should be the best night ever, but my self esteem just kept shrinking.
and it's my own fault, too. I just can't seem to help it but push my own self esteem down.
I don't know why. but I hate that about myself.
just something else to add to the list.

oh, how I wish I were pretty.

And if you come around again, then I will take the chain from off the door

Adsfajewklsdfjakdslf. I don't believe in relationships. I just never think that they'll last. I just haven't seen one example of a relationship that's lasted for a long period of time, no matter how perfect they seem for each other. (In high school, at least. College relationships, I think, can last.)but, pretty much, I don't believe in relationships in high school. so then, why is it that at this point in my life I can't help but want what I believe doesn't exist? The guy who asked me to homecoming. we're really good friends, I'd say. and I think I like him. like, LIKE LIKE him. hahaa. I hate admitting that to myself, though. I don't like liking someone. It makes me feel vulnerable; my feelings are too easily affected, merely by what someone else says or does. But.. it's just the idea of flattery, I guess. I'm flattered he even wants to go to homecoming with me. and I think because of this level of flattery that I feel, I'm in a way obligated to like him. that sounds weird. 'obligated' to like him. that's not exactly what I mean, though. like, I like him out of my own free will- it's just, I don't feel like I'm good enough for the kid. like, he could do so much better. Sometimes I catch moments where he /might/ show signs of liking me - but then again, I misread signs and I over interpret the little things that happen.. but gosh, if he did like me, man that'd be unbelievable. like, literally, I wouldn't believe it. it's just.. so weird. knowing that someone likes me. or, not knowing, but potentially thinking that maybe he does. hahaha. I just don't think I'm worth people liking me, y'know? gah, this low self esteem crap has got to go, haha. but man. if he does, I'd be flattered out of this world. mm, bedtime. seeya'll later.

hi, I think I like you.

so I was asked to homecoming, nbd. hahahalike, last week. hahah. a little late on the update, I know. I can't help myself from thinking that maybe the guy I'm going with is just too good for me - like I don't deserve to be going to homecoming with him. I feel like he could be doing so much better, and I don't really know why he asked me. that was all that was running through my head last week. 2 of my friends gave me pep talks, which helped a bit haha. I guess you could say my confidence level was below sea level last week. It got better when I realized I was nominated for Homecoming Court & a lot of my friends came up to me and told me they voted for me. I didn't win, and honestly I didn't really want to win, but I was still flattered knowing that people voted for me.but now the problem is - I don't know if I like this kid or not. nonono, like we're really good friends. I just don't know if I like like him or not. I think a lot of it is the fact that I tend to crush on people easily, kind of. Another big part of it is the fact that I'm flattered that he even asked me to homecoming in the first place. I mean, granted, he probably just asked me as a friend, but still, in my crazy 16 year old head, I keep thinking that maybe there's a slim 1% chance that he might like me. I think maybe it's just because maybe I'm flattered and, well, honored that he's even liking me/having an interest in me in the first place. we're also pretty good friends, so I guess that contributes some crazy way. I don't know if I like him or not. I'm still trying to figure out my feelings. Gah, feelings suuuck.