I'm not going to be afraid.

one thing you definitely hear all over the place is,
don't let other people influence who you really are.
er.. maybe not. just, worded differently.
well, recently, I've heard it a lot.
my health teacher talks about it a lot in the 2 days that I've had health,
and my mom talked about it today too.

who I am.
I shouldn't care what other people think about me.
I shouldn't let what other people think change who I really am, and how I act.
I shouldn't let what other people say about me affect me in any way, shape, or form.

I thought I didn't. as in, last year. last year, I was free. I didn't give a care as to what other people said and thought about me, which might've been why I had such a good time last year, because I really felt like myself, and I was myself.

that's probably how I found myself and my true friends too. I know that sounds corny, but it's true.

so why is it that suddenly, I find myself caring about what other people think of me? I'm afraid to be myself because I'm afraid of judgement. I don't go all out and be myself because I worry about if people don't like me. I'm letting what other people say get into my head. I'm letting what other people think influence who I really am, and I'm becoming a new person (a fake person) based on what I think they want in a friend.

just. pause, for a second, please.
freeze the frame.

there's something wrong with this, isn't there.
why is it that I changed this way?
is it the influence of high school, and the people?
or is it the influence of what I'm told, and what people say and think of me?
I think it's a combination of both. or, all of the above.

when arriving into high school, I was myself. I can honestly say that. I remember, at band camp just being myself with my friends, not caring what anyone thought of me, shining in the light of what I had just gained at TAF, the unconditional love.

then, around the 2nd day of band camp.. I realized.. the world isn't TAF.

I think, in a way, I was still mesmerized by the beauty of TAF love. it's unconditional. which means, no judgement. while brought up at TAF, we learn to accept each other's flaws, all in one week. we accept them, and learn to love them about each and every person.
as I started high school, I tried to do that. I was myself. I thought, it'd be accepted.

it was time for me to wake up.

the real world isn't like that. here, you're judged based on who you are, and what you act like.
at least, that's how I feel.
but really.. why should you let that matter?
sure, it's the peer pressure, and the cliques in school, trying to be cool, or trying to impress someone you like.
that might change a person, yes. in more ways than one.

I found myself, in order to try to fit in and blend in with the crowd, to avoid judgement and be liked among my new friends that I wanted to make so bad,
I had changed myself. I'm not saying I don't like some things about the 'new me'. I'm easier to open up and talk to new people, and make new friends.
but some of the time.. I'm nervous. and tender. I found myself always thinking, 'what if I make a mistake, and ... happens?"
I found myself holding back, because I thought I'd be judged, and fearing I'd make a mistake, I was quiet.
oh, how I wish everything was unconditional.
but no, that would be a dream.
unfortunately, everyone's forced to wake up, and face reality.
TAF love was like a dream for me. I always find myself opening up & being myself.
at school, I may try to be myself, but the result is always setting a bad 'first impression' and not being accepted, or being judged for something I'm not.

I've thought about it a lot these days, with everything that I've heard, and witnessed.
screw them.
screw the people who judge you based on who you really are.
you shouldn't have to be someone you're not, just to gain friends.
because you know what? if you have a 'fake' personality, a MASK on,
they're not your real friends.
it's only when you open up and be yourself, NO MATTER WHAT,

that you find your true self, your true friends, and happiness.

sounds corny, eh?
well.. that's what I got.
so.. I'm going to make a mid-January resolution:
I'm going to be myself. not hold back. go all out. be myself.
I know I say that a lot.. but it's something I really believe in.
I'm not going to hold back.
I'm not going to be afraid of judgement.
I'm not going to be afraid of embarrassing myself.
I'm not going to be afraid to live life the way I want to live it.
I'm not going to be afraid to make a mistake.
I'm not going to be afraid.


I'm not going to be afraid of what other people think.

feelings. a lot of them.

okay, so one minute, you can feel like your involved, since they talked to you, or you just feel like you're part of a group.
but then something could happen and you're not even being mentioned, it's like you're just there to watch the words flow by and watch the fun.
it's like, you're not even there.
I used to think that there might be no place for me in this world.
and sometimes, I still think that.
that I really don't belong, and I'm not supposed to be here.

I usually just keep all my feelings in,
and locked up.
I usually don't like sharing my problems, it makes me feel a sense of weakness and just.. weird.
so I just keep it all in.

I noticed two things today, in the most surprising way possible.
letting go of your feelings may be hard,
but after you let go,
you let it all out, its gone, and you start afresh.
though you know more feelings may come and you might pent them up again,
you've got to let them out, sometime or later.
because when you do,
it's the new beginning,
the one everyone needs, once in a while.

the other thing I noticed;
I let go to my mom today, which is basically probably the hardest thing for me to do,
and yet, she's the easiest person I can open up for.
funny, huh?
anyway.. I told her how sometimes, I feel like there's no place for me in the world,
how I'm not meant to be here,
and I wouldn't make a difference.
though she didn't give me a direct answer,
I basically figured out, either from her explanations or my own thoughts,
that everyone has a place in this world.
it might not be visible yet,
and you might not be able to see what you were meant to do,
but it will come to you,
sooner or later,
and you'll find that you do belong,
and you had a place in the world all along..
it just took you a while to find this place.

I usually look on the bad side of things.
funny, coming from me.
but, I think I do.
when something's said to me..
I notice the BAD thing, and take most impact based on what that was.
say it was an insult.
I might appear to be confident and not care..
but that's what I remember.
the bad thing said to me, that's what takes the most impact on me,
and that's what I remember inside, and I seem to forget every other little good thing.

sometimes, yes, I feel like I don't belong.
it's like.. one minute, I'm happy, and in a group..
then something happens. it just dawns over me, and I open my eyes again,
and its like.. I'm not part of it anymore.
I'm not supposed to be there,
like, well, maybe I am, but I'm supposed to be there just to watch it go on.
just to watch people have fun, talk the night away.
like.. I don't belong there, I belong somewhere else,
where I'm welcome.
but where is that place?


that's the question, isn't it?

dreaming with a broken heart.

it sucks,
that feeling of disappointment, and when you're let down.
and your highest hopes and dreams are all crushed, by one single second.
and your happy mood,
just vanishes.
just like that.
it's gone.
like, when something good happens,
and you hope it lasts,
but it doesn't.
nothing ever lasts, right?
not even love,
or happiness,
in the end,
something will happen,
and you'll be hit with a wave of disappointment,
all your hopes and dreams will be gone,
without a second glance.



so I'm just going to learn to deal with it,
because there's nothing else I can do.


"When You're Dreaming With A Broken Heart.. Waking Up Is The Hardest Part."
-John Mayer

finals are,

ALMOST OVER!
tomorrow's the last day yes!
but finals actually AREN'T that bad, suprisingly.
because we get to get out of school early and all.
:D
all I know is, I'm just going to be glad for the new beginnings and 2nd semester.
YESS. I'm going to make it ROCK!

fate.

why do things happen, the way they happen?

some may call it fate,
but I think we're just on the path that God laid out for us.
yes, there may be bumps..
but I think that's why things happen the way they happen.

though sometimes.. they way things happen isn't really the way you wanted it to happen, huh?
well.. that happens alot.
but sometimes it's for the good!

when it's for the bad..
in the end.. it'll all be for the best.
it'll all work out in the end.
because that's how His plan works, I guess.

In Your Hands.

I can sing, in the troubled times; sing, when I win. I can sing, when I lose my step,
and I fall down again.
I can Sing, 'cause You pick me up! Sing, 'cause You're there!
I can sing, because you hear me Lord, when I call to you in prayer!
I can sing with my last breath, sing all I know.
Then I'll sing with the ANGELS, and the saints around the throne!
how can I keep from singing your praise?
How can I ever say enough..
how AMAZING is your love!
how can I keep from SHOUTING your name?
I know I am LOVED, by the King. and it makes my heart..
want to SING.

l-o-v-e..?

so.. what is love?
around me, I see people falling in and out of love. all at the same time.
yes, 'love'.
falling in love can do wonders.. it can change a person, strengthen them, make them a better person through it.
falling out of love. unexplainable. the pain, the suffering. the hurt, the insecurity. the low self esteem.
but is it worth falling in love?
because.. sometimes.. people find their 'true love' and their soul mate easily and just by the Lord guiding them..
and that is awesome.
falling in love seems like a fantasy to me.
'love' just seems so far-fetched,
I don't know if I could ever feel it one day.
I want to..
sometimes.. it's hard for some other people to find their person.
and that means, going through the 'falling out of love' process, one too many times.
so much pain.. the hurt.
that can change someone too.
so what's this big deal about love?
it's tossed around too much, true. sometimes, with no true meaning.
but when you're truly madly in love..
your time with them is the best times of your life.
I heard it's the best feeling in the world.
it brings happiness. like you're on the top of the world.

I heard it's wonderful up there.

I guess it's worth the long run.
as long as.. we know in the end.. we'll be with who we're destined to be with.
in the guidance of the Lord.
some people find their person earlier, true.
and for some of us.. it takes more time.
more pain? possibly.
it'll make us stronger.

one day.

top of the world.

alone.

alone.

alone in the cold, dark night,
holding yourself together with all your might.
feeling alone with no one to be seen,
sensing the betrayal that you could never dream.
everyone looks so happy,
while you watch on, silently.
not being able to say anything,
or take part in what they have,
that you want with all your heart.
being stranded in a tight enclosure,
so all you can do is watch on,
watch and sit there,
cold and dreary,
feeling all alone.

everyone feels like that.
at one moment or another.
everyone feels lonely,
even if they look like they're not.
no one goes without feeling alone and deserted once in a while.
but what no one knows is,
you never really are alone.
you've got someone mighty,
sitting next to you,
keeping you warm,
holding your hand,
keeping you safe.
all you have to do is open your eyes and believe.
have faith.
you'll still feel alone sometimes..
but then you'll remember He is there.
as your protector,
as your shield,
as your friend and Father.

I will bring praise, I will bring praise,
no weapon formed against me shall remain.
I will rejoice, I will declare,
God is my victory,
and HE IS HERE.

oh, what a way to start off the year.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iNzrwh2Z2hQ - just click on it, I doubt you'll regret it.
-----------
sooo.. today was a pretty good day.
I realized that sometimes I might be looking at and for the wrong thing at the wrong time.
and with the wrong person.
I don't know.
it feels right, ya know?
but what if he's not the one.
then aren't you just wasting your time?
eh, I gotta teach myself to get over it.
but what's weird is..
everytime I actually DO get somewhere in this whole 'getting over it' thing,
my hopes get pushed back up by some random event that happens.
coincidence, fate, or bad timing!?

eep. help!
now I gotta go study for friggin' finals.
listen to the mix, music always makes me feel better.
enjoy the little things,
with love,
marialee.

I gotta feelin'.. that this year's gonna be a good year.

let's just say, I missed TAF a lot.
I forgot myself. and I forgot the feeling of unconditional love. TAF love.
this just goes to show how much I actually do need TAF in my life.
with all this love, and these friends who.. I know will stick by me.
my parents are always saying how the friends I have now probably won't be with me in the future.
well, that might be true to some of my friends.
but my TAF friends are the friends that are lifelong. I feel that we'll keep in touch no matter where we go and what we become, and I'm lucky to have the love that TAF brings.
it was so great to see everyone again!
I liked seeing everyone from different states too; Andrew, Nicole, Eric, Allen, Emily, Phil, Patrick.. & all my family.
even though they weren't from different states. haha, but it was awesome! to actually be able to skate with them and have fun, it was just great.
haha, no one really knew how to skate, I loved the little old things you could hold on to while you skated. I pushed Emily.
haha, and Andrew ended up going off the wall! it was great. though he fell so many times..
after all this, I realized that I missed TAF more than I thought I did. I needed it.
I felt like starting out the New Year with TAF New Years started it and confirmed it was going to be a good year.
that's probably not going to hold true.
but still.. TAF New Years was so much fun, and I'm so glad I got to see everyone again.
we all need the TAF love.. now that I know that, I'll never forget the feeling.
wait.
TAF love isn't a feeling.. it's an experience.

happy 2010!

HAPPY NEW YEARS!

I hope all of you had a fantastic 2009! I know I did. thanks to you. I swear, without all my friends and family I could not have made it through this year, it was a good year, but a tough one. Thanks for all of you who have heard me rant and hyperventilate and dealt with me nonetheless. thank you, the ones who have stuck with me throughout my life- I know I can always count on you. thank you, to the new friends I've made who've given me so many reasons to be happy and smile.
thank you, all. because each and every one of you has made me smile.

with lots and lots of love,
♥ marialee.

♥ ♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫ ♥

music - says what words can't say.
music is like the friend that I absolutely know is there.
whenever I'm down I think it's so weird that music can always cheer me up, there's a song for every situation, for every mood.
it's weird, eh?
I guess it's the mystical magical wonders of music.
I was feeling down, earlier.. and I was going to make a DEEP, SENTIMENTAL TEARING blog about how I felt and all that crap.. but I guess I just didn't need to.
Music helped enough (:
& friends, actually.
I just got a call from Jeff, and Angela, 3-way call yes! :D
it cheered me up a lot. you don't even know. I found myself smiling & laughing with them, when earlier I was so upset.

I love you all soso much, if I didn't have you, I don't know where I would be.

with lots and lots of love,
♥ marialee.

where?

do you ever have the thought.. that we're not supposed to be here?
that we don't belong.
that I don't belong.
that, the world would be the same place as it is now without you here.
you would make no difference in the world..
stop.
defy gravity.
make the difference.
tell them to just suck it.