I'm not going to be afraid.

one thing you definitely hear all over the place is,
don't let other people influence who you really are.
er.. maybe not. just, worded differently.
well, recently, I've heard it a lot.
my health teacher talks about it a lot in the 2 days that I've had health,
and my mom talked about it today too.

who I am.
I shouldn't care what other people think about me.
I shouldn't let what other people think change who I really am, and how I act.
I shouldn't let what other people say about me affect me in any way, shape, or form.

I thought I didn't. as in, last year. last year, I was free. I didn't give a care as to what other people said and thought about me, which might've been why I had such a good time last year, because I really felt like myself, and I was myself.

that's probably how I found myself and my true friends too. I know that sounds corny, but it's true.

so why is it that suddenly, I find myself caring about what other people think of me? I'm afraid to be myself because I'm afraid of judgement. I don't go all out and be myself because I worry about if people don't like me. I'm letting what other people say get into my head. I'm letting what other people think influence who I really am, and I'm becoming a new person (a fake person) based on what I think they want in a friend.

just. pause, for a second, please.
freeze the frame.

there's something wrong with this, isn't there.
why is it that I changed this way?
is it the influence of high school, and the people?
or is it the influence of what I'm told, and what people say and think of me?
I think it's a combination of both. or, all of the above.

when arriving into high school, I was myself. I can honestly say that. I remember, at band camp just being myself with my friends, not caring what anyone thought of me, shining in the light of what I had just gained at TAF, the unconditional love.

then, around the 2nd day of band camp.. I realized.. the world isn't TAF.

I think, in a way, I was still mesmerized by the beauty of TAF love. it's unconditional. which means, no judgement. while brought up at TAF, we learn to accept each other's flaws, all in one week. we accept them, and learn to love them about each and every person.
as I started high school, I tried to do that. I was myself. I thought, it'd be accepted.

it was time for me to wake up.

the real world isn't like that. here, you're judged based on who you are, and what you act like.
at least, that's how I feel.
but really.. why should you let that matter?
sure, it's the peer pressure, and the cliques in school, trying to be cool, or trying to impress someone you like.
that might change a person, yes. in more ways than one.

I found myself, in order to try to fit in and blend in with the crowd, to avoid judgement and be liked among my new friends that I wanted to make so bad,
I had changed myself. I'm not saying I don't like some things about the 'new me'. I'm easier to open up and talk to new people, and make new friends.
but some of the time.. I'm nervous. and tender. I found myself always thinking, 'what if I make a mistake, and ... happens?"
I found myself holding back, because I thought I'd be judged, and fearing I'd make a mistake, I was quiet.
oh, how I wish everything was unconditional.
but no, that would be a dream.
unfortunately, everyone's forced to wake up, and face reality.
TAF love was like a dream for me. I always find myself opening up & being myself.
at school, I may try to be myself, but the result is always setting a bad 'first impression' and not being accepted, or being judged for something I'm not.

I've thought about it a lot these days, with everything that I've heard, and witnessed.
screw them.
screw the people who judge you based on who you really are.
you shouldn't have to be someone you're not, just to gain friends.
because you know what? if you have a 'fake' personality, a MASK on,
they're not your real friends.
it's only when you open up and be yourself, NO MATTER WHAT,

that you find your true self, your true friends, and happiness.

sounds corny, eh?
well.. that's what I got.
so.. I'm going to make a mid-January resolution:
I'm going to be myself. not hold back. go all out. be myself.
I know I say that a lot.. but it's something I really believe in.
I'm not going to hold back.
I'm not going to be afraid of judgement.
I'm not going to be afraid of embarrassing myself.
I'm not going to be afraid to live life the way I want to live it.
I'm not going to be afraid to make a mistake.
I'm not going to be afraid.


I'm not going to be afraid of what other people think.