contemplation.

this is so hard for me to type.

I knew exactly what I was going to say in this big empty spot right here.

but now all I can do is stare at the keyboard, now knowing if I should type it down, because I don't even like thinking about it.

I'm staring at the keyboard, wondering if I should tell the world.

I feel so dumb when I talk about it or think about it.

I feel like its' no big deal, but then, why is it such a big deal for me?

Why do I think about it so much? Why do I even CARE?

I don't know. and that's what scares me. I don't want it to bother me. but it does.

here goes. deep breath, Maria.

the fact that I'm not as close to my family as I want to be. Right now, I'm hoping no one in my family will read this. because no, it's not all members. my immediate family, I'm pretty tight with. Actually, more than that. but it's the people that I'm NOT that close with that I WANT to become close with.

I look up to them, they're my role models, and I just want to be able to carry on a legitimate conversation. I feel so dumb even thinking or typing this down. I feel like it's nothing serious, because when I tell my friends the beginning of this story, they say they're not close to some members of their family, and to them it's really no big deal. Which is why I'm so confused. why is it such a big deal for me?

Then again, that might have something to do with the fact that they are my role models, the people I look up to, the people I want to learn to become.

I'm not myself. I'm this way because I've wanted to be accepted, to be able to be like them. to be like my role models, the people I really look up to.

Which is dumb. that I look up to them. because I'm my own person, and I promise, I work my personality pretty darn well, wouldn't you say? And I don't even talk to them. it's just, the things they do, the things they say, the way they act, is of utter confidence and sureness. is that a word? I don't know, but I just used it. This is mainly the reason why I want to become closer to them. because if they're the people I look up to, I kind of want to be able to talk to them too.

I wish for the next opportunity to be able to talk to them, but I never have the guts to do so. I'm presented with the opportunity, but I find it so hard to strike an intruiging conversation. I never feel like I'm good enough to talk to them, or to even approach 'em. I kinda am just satisfied with being in their presence.

Which is why I freaked out last night when I realized I missed another opportunity like this.

but then again, I wouldn't have done anything anyway, no matter how much I want to.

I really really really want to. be able to be friends with them, to be close, like the family members we're supposed to be.

but then again, it doesn't feel like family.

I just wish taht one day, I've have the bravery and guts to talk to them.

& be able to be accepted.


I think I'm wishing for too much.


Scratch that.


I know I'm hoping for too much.

expectations, photography, and disappointment.

I have pretty low expectations for myself.

I figured that out.

when I got a 70, and my initial reaction was, 'eh'.

basically, I was okay with what I got.

I realized that that keeps happening. I settle for what I get. I guess that's because I think that when I strive too high, I'll let myself and other people down. I'm pretty afraid of letting people down.

When people or someone asks me what I want to be when I grow up, my automatic response is 'I don't know'. it's become a type of habit or instinct for me.

to tell the truth, the only things I've ever considered being is photographer or music. Because honestly, I don't know of anything else that I'm good enough at, or that I have that much of an interest in.

But I hate telling people that. I absolutely am ashamed of it. I try not to be, but I am.

I don't like people knowing that I'm into photography. the other day, after school, I walked around our school campus, ('cause it has a lake, and stuff) and I had my camera and I was taking pictures. But every time there was a person or a car, I'd hide my camera from sight. I don't know why. I just really don't like people knowing that I like photography. I just, don't think they need to know.

Though it makes me so incredibly happy, to be taking pictures. I think photography gives me an outlet. So does music, but photography allows me to hide my face. I don't like being in pictures that often. I guess sometimes I do, when it's like events with my friends, that I want the keepsakes of memories, but otherwise, I'd rather TAKE pictures than be IN them. I see the camera as a face hider, almost. Like something that can portray how I feel without really SHOWING everyone, y'know?

I guess that doesn't make much sense. But now, you ask why I hide photography from people? I don't really know. However, something struck me last week at a Byzantium meeting that really got me thinking.

I was looking at my photography, on this one website, but no one really knew it was mine. I asked someone what they thought of it, and they said they really liked it. Which of course, made me happy. But I didn't want anyone to know it was mine. My teacher came over, and the next thing I knew, she had the seat and she was looking through all my pictures. She asked me if it was mine, and I reluctantly answered, "..yes". She gaped at me, and asked me why I didn't submit it into the fine arts magazine, Byzantium. Yes, that's what the club is.

I had a hard time coming up with the answer. I honestly could not say. I didn't want to tell her that I didn't want anyone to know about my photography, or that I was hiding it. I couldn't really explain how and why I hid my photography from the rest of the world.

Then, the girl next to me, said a few simple words that struck me.

"'cause you don't think it's good enough?"

I couldn't say much. I just nodded.

I think that basically summed it up. This whole, scared of disappointment thing has got to me. I am so scared of people being disappointed in me, and I don't want to be disappointed in myself, either. 'Cause I think that's worse than other people hurting you. So, I just hide it to myself. I don't want people to be disappointed in my photography, or what I do.

I guess that seems pretty selfish. Because in a world like this, there's criticism around the corner. There's judgment, deceit, lies, and opinions. Disappointment. It's everywhere. I guess it's inevitable, but I still keep my photography to myself. I just don't want people to be disappointed in what I try to do, and what I think I can do. Because, Photography is one thing that provides me joy. I don't want people to drown out on my outlet, on one of the 2 things that can make me truly happy. I hope y'all know what I mean, 'cause I sure don't.

basically, I'm scared what I do won't be good enough, and won't live up to people's expectations. And then I'll be letting everyone down.



A few months ago, maybe just 1 month ago, I was looking at the same website, at my same photography. This time, I was with different friends, and they didn't know what or who's work I was looking at, just that it was work of a sort.

My friend came over, and saw it, and said, "Wow, that sucks."

I dunno. maybe I'm blowing this out of proportions. But, just hearing that was a strike in the gut. That basically is what caused my hiding of photography. I'm scared of THIS, happening again. Because I just really hated that feeling.


Of disappointment, of letting down someone.


I can hide it with a smile, and a laugh easily enough.



but I don't know. I guess I really am overthinking things. but it's just what I feel, y'know? I feel like I'm being so conceited and selfish right now, & I'm sorry if you believe I am.



I hate expectations. Especially the ones you make for yourself.

it is up to you, to find your way home.

finding my way back to you.

about me.

1. I am Taiwanese American. Yeah, I said it, whaaat.

2. Sometimes I like music more than people/the world.

3. I love taking pictures & photography, but I hate telling or showing people that I love doing it.

4. TAF means the world to me, it's my second home. my family.

5. When I grow up, I want to become a photographer or a musician. but when I'm asked, I say "I don't know", because I'm scared that I'll let them down.

6. I play the guitar, piano, and flute. not well, but playing makes me happy.

7. I live by the philosophy that you should just be yourself, live life, and be fearless, because life is too short to waste worrying about what other people will think of you.

8. My grades aren't top notch, and I don't really have one particular thing I'm good at. I just live, and let the future unravel for me. Because I don't know what my future will entail.

9. I believe that everything is going to happen for a reason. Good, or bad, it was meant to be, so I'm forced to deal with it.

10. I don't share feelings often. I don't like other people knowing what I'm feeling. It's hard for me to open up. I like listening to people about their feelings more than I like sharing them myself. I realized I'm being pretty honest in this note right now, and it scares me.

11. Music makes me happy when nothing else can. I've realized that I can turn to music when I feel I have no one else to turn to.

12. I'm shameless, I get it from my mother. I'll be the one acting crazy in public, without a care in the world, not caring what other people think.

13. I love Christmas. Not for the presents; that warm and fuzzy feeling you get when you're sitting inside with a bowl of hot tea, a sweater, and your family around you. And the winter hats. And snow!

14. I love all the seasons, no lie. People find that hard to believe that I can't have a favorite, but I really do love them all.

15. I spend my weekend nights video chatting with TAFers. actually, mainly Joshua Chang.

16. I love marching band. I know it sounds geeky, and nerdy, but I really do love marching band. I secretly march to the music I'm listening to, when I'm walking. it's just, I do it super subtly, so no one sees.

17. I don't really care about how I look or what other people think of me. I guess that's somewhat of a bad thing... oh, well.

18. I'd like to be closer to some members of my family than I already am. but I don't have the guts.



19. I like dancing, but not well. In 'dancing', my definition is flailing wildly and doing awkward motions. that's the way to go. whippin' your hair, back n' forth.

20. most of my best friends lives out of state.

21. I am never going to do drugs. I've seen what it does to people, and it scares the heck out of me.

22. I don't swear. Sometimes, I'll admit, it slips out. but from experience, I really don't like swearing.

23. I don't like getting to close to people. I mean, too close as in BEST FRIENDS FOREVER. I'm afraid of getting too close. I feel if you get too close to someone, it's easier for the relationship to break. Going off of that, I feel like I'm losing all the people I'm close to. Which of course, strengthens this philosophy of mine.

24. I'm awkwardly open about my farts and intestinal issues. Ask any of my friends, harhar.

25. I want to go places. As in, travel.

26. sometimes, I really don't like people. nono, Corinne, not you. not any of my friends, I guess. it's just.. the human population in general.

27. my friends, family, and TAFers mean the world to me. I couldn't live without y'all.

28. I hate goodbyes.

29. Words hurt me easily, but I don't show it. refer to #10.

30. Christmas music can ALWAYS make me happy. ALWAYS. 'specially Sleigh Ride.



Christmas is in 37 days!

I'm up late, once again, because of thoughts, music, and homework.

Mmm. and now I decided I'm going to make a secret Christmas wish list.


For no eyessss. I figure no one really reads this thing, which is quite silly for me to think because its' RIGHT THERE on my facebook, but oh well.


here goes!

I only have, like, 2.


- headphones
- http://store.ournameisfun.com/store/show/GOAIH - that tshirt.
- http://www.threadless.com/product/2344/My_Lover/tab,guys - THAT tshirt.

LAWLZ.


I can dream, can't I? :)

lala, Christmas <33

words can't bring me down.

words can't bring me down.

sometimes, it's really hard for myself to believe that. I have trouble shutting out other people's words and choosing not to believe them.

Throughout the day today, I had those words repeated to myself often. I had to keep reminding myself that what other people said didn't matter and I didn't have to care about their opinions. But that's harder than I'm making it sound. IT sounds easy, doesn't it? Well, it's not. For me.

yesterday night, I found out that I had been accepted into a band called IMEA, a district-wide band that took MONTHS of preparation for. Whole summer. That much work. and I made it. after tears and countless days of worry, I was so relieved when I got the news that I made it. I got up in the middle of my flute lesson and I did a special dance.

However, when I broke the wonderful news to my mom, with a face of smiles and a light heart, I couldn't help but feel that she was a little bit disappointed. Yes, disappointed. I don't know why, I had trouble pinning my head on the reason.

But, she is disappointed. that I didn't do better. that I didn't get into the all-state band. that I wasn't good enough to get into Orchestra. that I didn't work as hard on the music as I should have.

Ok, I get that. I already have goals for next year. (Orchestra & All-state, baby!) And last night before I went to bed, I told her that. That I already knew, that I understood, that I already had new goals. She said that she got it, and she wouldn't talk about it anymore.

that is, until this morning. My mom walks to the bus stop with me, like an 'early morning walk' and I could feel this topic coming quickly. I quickly put on my headphones and blasted my music. I tried to talk about normal topics-- I was going to stay after school today, etc. But for some reason, I couldn't stop myself from feeling the hesitation in her words and the disappointment.

Right before I was going to cross the street to the bus stop, she said these words.
"Your tutor was VERY disappointed in you. She worked so hard with you these past few months and you let her down."

I couldn't help but feel as if she meant that SHE was disappointed-- and that I let HER down. Her/she- as in my mom.

I ran across the street. I didn't want to hear it. My iPod was on full blast.


Ok, I guess this sounds a little selfish. but I really really didn't want to hear it. I really didn't. After what I went through last year, and what I thought I got over... I really didn't want to hear about disappointment. Anymore that I already did.


To tell the truth, my only thought at that point was, "I can't wait to get to school." People ask me why I like school so much. Because of my friends. Sometimes, I think of my friends more than my family.

I got to school, and when one of my friends who knew that I made it saw me, she congratulated me, as did the band. That felt so good. I was surprised. After a night of disappointment from making it, it was WEIRD that all these people congratulated me and cheered for me when they heard I made it. They weren't disappointed! they...clapped. and whooped. I was shocked. It had been a while since I heard praise. (A night & a Morning.. but you know what I mean..)

You see, last year was a terrible year for me. In terms of my self esteem and my life. At school, at home. Continuously throughout the year, I felt like I was letting people down, that I was worthless, that I wasn't good enough, that I was disappointing everyone-- my family, my friends, and myself. Basically-- last year was a year of disappointment, worthlessness, and 'not good enough'.

I went to TAF, however, and I thought those issues were resolved.


I quickly realized though-- that that wasn't true. I came back to reality. I realized, within a few months, that those feelings were still there. Before I Knew it, I was sunk back into that mood. the mood that there was no use for me in the world, I wasn't good enough, that I was a huge disappointment.

but, it wasn't THAT bad. it was nothing I couldn't shove away with music & some photography.

except when this happened.


I felt like such a disappointment. I still do. I know, just by this simple event, my mom hesitates before she talks to me. Sometimes, I just can't believe that something this simple is altering what our relationship was before. She looks at me, with that look. I can tell, she's disappointed. She claims she's happy I made IMEA. Yeah, I'll take her word for that. and I understand WHY she's disappointed, that I didn't do better.

But I really don't like it being repeated to me over and over again.

because sooner or later, if you hear something continuously-- you start to believe it. you start to feel it yourself. you start to be disappointed in yourself.

I've been through this, all last year. I REALLY didn't want to go through it again. I guess that won't happen.


I really do wish words couldn't bring me down. I wish I had the strength to shove them out and not care about them. I really, really do. I really wish I could just live my life and not care about what others said about me.


Now don't get me wrong, that's my philosophy. but when I know someone's disappointed in me, it hits the gut. It hits home. And that's the HARDEST thing to get over, for me.


I used to be excited to come home. To come home, have a good time with my parents.
That is, until today.

I found myself, wanting to stay after school for as long as I could. To avoid coming home-- because I knew that coming home meant facing and living with my mom's disappointment.

I really didn't want to feel this dread of coming home again.


Not again.



Who says words can't bring you down?!

I hate hate hate hate these nights.

I absolutely HATE these nights.

The nights when I stay up late, after a not-so-great day to begin with, and I just get that feeling.
That feeling that I'm alone, that there's no one here.

Currently I'm sitting in my room, by myself, and the house is silent.

Asides from the music I'm about to blast, of course.

Anyway. These nights are occurring more and more often now.. I partly blame the TAF blues I always have.

Yeah, I still have TAF blues. I know when you read this some people will think that the whole concept is absolutely silly. Feeling sad over ONE WEEK at some "Asian" camp in Indiana? Ridiculous sounding, am I right? Yeah, I guess.

But now a days, when I'm in school.. I feel like no one really gets me like the people who I've only known for 2 weeks in my entire life. I don't know how that happened. I guess that's the TAF love and the TAF bond we all have.

Sorry, this post isn't supposed to be about TAF.

Well, kind of. It's hard not talking about something that you've been thinking about 24/7.

Recently.. I've been feeling so ALONE. so left out, so.. not part of anything. I feel like I'm just.. alone, while everyone else is doing their thing. Sometimes I feel like I'm just not there. Invisible. I'm ignored.

Not exactly ignored.. just, misunderstood.

Now, I gotta tell y'all somethin' that I don't know you all know? Er, perhaps you do. I'm pretty shameless. And I'm not gonna lie, that's one part of me that I'm proud of. That's one thing that I completely love about myself. I don't really care what other people think about me-- I live by the philosophy that this is YOUR life, live it up the way YOU want to and don't let anyone else limit your horizons, 'cause you have the whole world in front of you.

I know that sounds so incredibly cliche.. but that's what I live by. I'm shameless. I get it from my mom. One friend, at school, asks me how I can do it. To not care about what other people think, not to care about being judged.. etc. I do care. I just choose to push it away. It affects me, yeah. It definitely does.


I think I'm getting off topic. Uhh, what was I talking about? Give me one second to scroll up.

Oh, right.


Misunderstood. Not belonging. Alone. Not worth it.

Okay, okay. I know at TAF.. I claimed I got over it. that's because at TAF, I really did. After the Identity Dialogue, I thought that I was worth it. that I WAS WORTH BEING LOVED. I partly think that's because of the atmosphere, and the people. The people who I could be myself with. The people who I knew were my friends. My family.


But then, of course, I returned to reality. Like Calvin & Hobbes said, "Reality continues to ruin my life". that, my dear friends, basically is the STORY of my life.

I returned to school. I thought everything was fine. I was myself. I felt like I could conquer the world. The confidence I had left with from TAF was overwhelming, and amazing. It showed. To the people who chose to look.

But when I first took the step into society.. into the real world.. it was different. It was judgemental. Even though I tried my hardest to ignore it, and remember all that I learned at TAF.. I tried to remember the support there was, the no fear, the amazing feeling I had.. it was hard to ignore.

Anyway. I'll stop talking about the past. I'll talk about the present.

At school.. I feel like I don't belong. When I try to be myself, and be shameless... I feel like although there are some people who love it, there are more people who hate it. Who shoot me those looks, those piercing looks that silence me. That make me think about what THEY think of me.

And other days, I feel so alone.
I look around me, and I see everyone in their own groups of friends.. in their own little lives, with their own simple pleasures. I feel as if I'm independent. but sometimes, I want to be dependent.

I feel ignored. When I try talking to someone in my time of need, I feel as if it's pushed away, and unregarded. It's like they just don't care. I know although this may not be true, because I do love my friends-- sometimes it really just feels this way. There's those days, when I feel so stupid and vulnerable.

I used to have a stone, cold heart. I wouldn't break. I wouldn't fall. I wouldn't cry. Most of all, I wouldn't let anyone in-- or let anything out.

I kind of want to be that person again. I don't like this new vulnerable me. I feel as if I'm too weak. I shouldn't be affected by everything that's happening. It's making me so mad at myself.

Now, I'm tearing up just thinking about everything that I felt this past week.



Just 10 minutes ago, I felt like the loneliest person in the world. From "Away" messages on AIM to people I really wanted to talk to, to people who didn't even respond when I talked to them, to people who left after I said a hi.

basically,



I feel like I'm losing the people I care most about.


I feel like I'm alone again. I hate feeling this feeling of loneliness. I hate these nights, that cause me to hate myself for who I am and cause me to WISH that I could be someone else, in order to EARN my friends BACK.



It's these nights that I get that feeling of WORTHLESSNESS, loneliness, disbelonging, and 'not good enough' back.




I'll get over it.







thanks joshua chang & harrison wu.






i think you know what for.

The Vast Unknown.

Look around you.

What do you see? Bustling people, people going around their own lives.

Sometimes you feel like the top of the world. But when you really think about it, there is SO much out there in the world.

Not just, America. Not just Earth. our UNIVERSE.

If you think about it, compared to the complete billions and trillions of stars in the sky, we’re pretty small. Yeah, when I say this, don’t you feel so small? So.. insignificant?

I was having a conversation about this with a group of people the other day.

Beyond our Earth, beyond the horizons, beyond what our eyes can see, is the vast unknown. I know that sounds cliche and extremely corny, but it’s true. What you see is just how much light has reached us. There could be SO MUCH MORE beyond what the naked eye can see, but it’ll take us millions of years before we actually see and can reach the things that are out there in our universe.

Right now, if you look up into the dark sky, you’ll see stars. I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but when you see a star, it’s already burned out. It’s just a dead star, and the light is JUST reaching us RIGHT now.

So, there could be SO much more out there beyond what we can see and beyond what we know. Beyond what we’ve heard, beyond what we’ve thought. It’s mind blowing, isn’t it? To think about how much more unknown space there is in the Universe around us, that we might not be able to even SEE or know about?

When we were talking about this, my friend claimed that he felt so small. His self esteem lowered greatly and felt so insignificant.

I’m here to say that I didn’t feel that way. When I heard that, I couldn’t help but smile. and I felt so hopeful, and I felt so happy. I just had this sense of hope inside me. Yes, I’m being corny and cheesy right now, but I like corn and cheese. Anyway. When I heard this, I couldn’t help but think how incredibly amazing God was.. for creating a universe like this, such a vast universe and space, what WONDERS, what beauty. Everything Glorious.

And we might not even be able to know about until a million years from now. But it’s out there. Just that feeling of the possibility of there being more out there is flabbergasting.

And it just gives me so much HOPE. There’s so much out there in the world for me to discover, for me to explore, for me to learn about. It makes me so excited.. that God had made this wonderful world for me to climb around, to discover, to learn, to explore on. And it gives me so much JOY that there’s this hope out there for me.. that there’s so much more in the world, not just the universe, but in Illinois. In America. In the WORLD. There’s so much more I can do and that just gives me so much hope.

There’s so much out there for every one of us to discover. And although we may seem small, and although we may be small, we’re not small in God’s eyes. We’re worthy. Worthy to be loved. and we ARE.

We may seem small and we may BE small, but God loves us all the same.

Now, does that not just make you so happy? :)

TAF memories.

it's pretty short, but it brings back good memories.

TAF love 2010! LOVE OUT LOUD!

People Change.

People change. everyone changes. either if it was something small, or something big that caused them to change, people are changing, inside and out, every single day.

But is it always for the better?

I think there's an obvious answer to that.

Of course, it's NOT always for the better.

I was asked today if I HATED anyone. if I completely disliked anyone.

And my answer was, that I didn't hate anyone. No, not anyone. Some qualities of some people irk me incredibly.

But one thing that irks me the most.. is VANITY.

I think that most people change because of society. I had made a post about this previously, but I felt the necessity to blog about it again, because this is something I've felt through the first few weeks of school.


So as you all know, TAF is such a big part of my life. Taiwanese American Foundation. Three words, and when I hear them I just get such a great feeling.

Well, I was talking to someone at TAF. I was talking about how everyone cared so much about how they look and how they are portrayed, even somewhere with so much ACCEPTANCE and LOVE.

I asked them why people there cared SO incredibly much about how they looked at TAF. The answer was, "You only have one week to make a great impression to last for the rest of the year. You HAVE to care."

And I just sat there and thought about that. If you think about it, that's true. One reason why I think TAF is so special is because it's only one week through the whole year. The people you meet and become friends with there are people that you'll remember throughout the year as the person they were and the person they are at TAF.

At TAF, I truly open myself up. I really don't care about how I look-- to tell the truth, I don't care about how I look at school either. I'll get to that in a bit.

But at TAF.. truly? I just threw on a t-shirt. Just to be comfortable. T-shirt, shorts. At TAF is somewhere I can be myself. I don't worry so much about judgement, because I felt the love and the bond of the TAF family, and I felt the acceptance. It's truly such an amazing feeling.. to not care about anything except for the people around you. But I feel like that's not always true. Like that answer.. even at TAF, people care about how they look.

now, I'm not saying that I think people should not care about how they look. Because then if that was true, then we'd all walk around looking like slobs.

haha, and that's definitely not good.

But I'm saying.. one thing that really irks me is how society and how people change other people to become vain and just.. change completely. I know some people who completely change in order to fit in or be accepted. I mean, okay. Throw on some nice-lookin' clothes, buy a new pair of shoes, that's all fine and dandy. but to change your whole PERSONALITY for the simple goal of being ACCEPTED?

I don't know. To me, that just doesn't make any sense.

(by the way-- I hope this isn't offending anybody. these are just my personal thoughts, I didn't write this with anything or anybody in mind.)

I was talking to someone lately.. and we were talking about how it was really hard to just be yourself in school because in school people don't accept you as easily as people do at TAF. At TAF, I feel like it's a place where people are accepted for their true selves, and it's simply amazing.

Can you tell that my favorite part about TAF is the acceptance, and that feeling of belonging?

Yeah. well. at school, that's hard to find.

I feel like I can't be accepted. I feel like sometimes, when I truly show my true self, or I have those moments where I take off my mask and I show my real personality. I never really feel safe enough at school to be myself. Because truly, at school I'm really afraid of judgement. Oftentimes, I feel like I don't belong.


I feel like a "scuba diver in an ocean of fish". (Quote from a friend)

At school, even though I do have my close friends and I love them dearly.. sometimes I just don't feel the security to be myself and be accepted for it. I feel like around every corner, and every tile in the hallway, there's someone there to judge you.

I was talking to a friend. We were talking about how he was really afraid of judgement.

I'm so afraid of judgement. Well, I used to be. Yes, past tense.

TAF 2010 changed me. I'm not longer afraid. I live by the fact that if somebody doesn't like me for who I truly am, then it's okay. I'm not going to pretend to be someone else and change myself in order to fit in and be "accepted" by people who don't know and don't understand and don't accept the real me.


Anyway. that.. is not what this thing is about.

Sorry, I oftentimes go on rampages of random topics and tangents.

I'm saying, that people change.

I know someone... an innocent little girl. she was my little sister that I took care of.

Well, I realized that she REALLY cared about her image and how she looked. (She's a Freshman, only one year younger, by the way.)

And I also have a friend-- we're really close. He really cared about his image and how he's portrayed in front of his peers and he really wanted to make a great real impression.


I don't know.. I just don't like how society causes people to change themselves in order to be accepted.


I just want you all to know-- I accept each and every one of you. for who you TRULY are. You don't need to change to fit in. People love you for who you are. and if they don't it's okay. then you don't need to make an impact on them. People who accept you for who you are are your true friends.




You're beautiful the way you are. Don't change that.

Don't change who you are in order to be accepted.

Because you'll only be truly accepted when you are your true self.

Reflections on TAF 2010: Loving Out Loud!

ARRIVAL.

I had taken the bus to TAF this year, once more, and on the way to the bus stop, I was nervous about the ride there. Would it be awkward? I was afraid of how many people have changed and in what ways, and I was afraid I would feel alone, and everyone wouldn't welcome/accept me for who I became or was. I was surprised at the bus ride, actually. People didn't sit with the people who I thought they'd sit next to, and it was amazing seeing at how easily everyone bonded again, after a year without seeing each other. I was talking to someone recently- and we were talking about how easily it was to pick up a TAF relationship after a year, because of that TAF bond. Anyways, the bus ride was fairly interesting, I talked to a few people and I could already see relationships around me being made and being sewn back together with every smile and word. It was amazing to see all the TAFers bonding again, after a year of not seeing each other. I could feel the love in that stuffy bus, and it was amazing. Upon arriving at TAF this year, I had to go in and visit the JH dorms, to get the little youngin's situated. I walked in, and among questions of "Aren't you in Youth?" and "Um, the Youth dorm's that way...", I saw many familiar faces and before I knew it I was being showered with hugs, kind words, and smiles. It felt so great for me to see everyone again. I branched out, and hugged some people that I had somewhat known by face and by name, but not personally, and suprisingly enough, they hugged back with as much energy as I had given them. This touched me so much, just the fact that they didn't know me that well, but they were WILLING to get to know me, and they still accepted me and welcomed me with so much love. It was pretty amazing just to see the (not) so familiar faces, and receive hugs from random people. It was then that I first saw the love of TAF, and the bond that the TAFers all shared... it was a family, maybe long lost and maybe a family that hasn't seen each other in a long time, and maybe not a very close family to begin with, but as time goes, the family becomes closer and closer, and it's just a wonderful feeling to grow and feel that bond of TAF. I don't know if you get what I'm trying to explain.. the fact that some random people that I didn't know that well gave me welcome hugs, it meant a lot. Just how welcome they all were to me... it felt amazing. Enough about all that. What's next, what's next? I guess I could talk about rooming situations? ALRIGHT. Rooming situations it is.

Rooms?
To tell the truth, this year I had originally planned on not putting anyone down, and rooming randomly in order to branch out and be able to mingle and know more people. However, it wasn't until last minute when my wonderful roomie Christine Yeh asked me to room with her, and I said yes. I'm not going to lie, I was a little bit nervous about rooming with her, just because I haven't seen her in so long, and I didn't know her that well. That changed, in a blink of an eye. I had bonded with her somewhat on the bus, which was so much fun, and I immediately changed my feelings about rooming with her. I feel like this year, rooming with someone else than I usually do made SUCH an impact on my week, simply because it was something new and Christine was SO MUCH FUN to room with. Sometimes I randomly left, er maybe more than sometimes, and I'm sorry about that! But Christine, if you're reading this, just know that I really was SO glad that you asked me to be your roommate, that contributed SO much in making my week amazing. You're SO HILARIOUS and you can always put a smile on my face. You were always there to comfort me and you always stuck with me even though sometimes I ran off. I love you so much, you're definitely one of the best friends I could ever ask for. Thanks for making this week unforgettable. Love you so much!And the same goes to my suite mates, which was surprisingly, Erin and Dorothy! Just having them there gave me that security of having someone still there to talk to, and I don't know how many times I ran over there to that room just to rant to you guys about some things that I had felt during the day and that I couldn't get out. Thanks for listening, and for putting up with me, and being there. Love you!


SMALL GROUPS.

Oh boy, where do I begin. I remember this year, we met our small groups with the morse code like thing, where we had to snap, clap, and act it out to various members in order to find our own little private group. I was so freaked out by that. Because by doing that, it meant I had to go up to random people I didn't know and act out something strange to them. At first, of course, I went up to people I knew, with the hope that they would have the same thing as me, and it'd make it so much easier for me. Of course, that wasn't the case. I eventually just told myself to get out there, and that everyone else is doing something JUST as silly as you are, and I reminded myself of my goal this year to branch out, and defy the clique system at TAF. Well, I found my small group- and I remember being so relieved that I knew some people- Tiff Wu, Travis, Tiff Su, Eric Ho. But I remember the first person I found was Andy Huang; I thought at the moment that he was so incredibly cool and outgoing, because when we found each other we started talking and had a pretty great conversation: that was before I found everyone else, so at that moment in time I had already decided that he was going to be one of my best friends in small group. He just seemed so cool to talk to, and he seemed so open and just willing to talk to anyone. Andy, just so you know, just by you talking to me that first day gave me the courage to talk to everyone else and go up to random people and act insane. You made me feel so welcome at TAF this year, and I must thank you for that. I remember being so relieved that I was able to talk to you & you seemed like you didn't judge people, which greatly touched me. Thank you so much for making my first day at TAF AWESOME.

COUNSELORS

Anyhoo, after we found our small groups, which I found out to be completely and absolutely amazing, we got our counselors. I remember I had known John Chen in previous years, and we had talked a little bit before that. We didn't know each other VERY well, but I had heard good things about him and so I was so relieved that I had at least someone I was somewhat familiar of as my counselor. I didn't know Christina that well, but as with John I had heard FANTASTIC things about her and I was so excited for her to be my counselor. I remember that I forgot my bag, right when we were walking out of the Wampler. I ran back to get it and when I walked back out I remember my whole "small group" was standing there waiting for me. I know it seems like such a silly and small thing to be obsessive over, but I was so suprised that you guys all waited for me; I expected you guys to go to our designated area and I'd have to find my way myself, or that I'd just somehow catch up. The fact that you guys waited for me gave me the confidence and the reassurance that small group was like a mini-family, and that they would be there for you, no matter what. That's so much feeling I got just from you guys waiting for me, but the fact that you guys waited for me, even though y'all were probably waiting for John too, really meant a lot. Thanks, MEGA SNORLAX BURGATRONS FROM LEVEL THREE.

John:Like I said in your wall post, you enforced some deep discussions that I really wanted to happen. You initiated them, and allowed me an open space where I felt comfortable to share about anything and made our small groups get closer as a family and made it feel toasty warm. Thank you so much for what you wrote in my affirmations and also in my yearbook. You're so much fun to be around, and you always know how to make someone feel better. Yesterday at Post TAF when I was about to start crying you started doing our ROOSTER dance and it made me feel so much better, haha, *looks awkwardly* it was awesome having you as a counselor this year. You made our small groups so close and made it an open space for all of us to be open and share. Thank you.

Christina: You are too amazing. I admire you so much of how nice you are and just how easy you are to talk to. You also helped SO MUCH in making our small group an open space, and you always knew the right thing to say and gave great advice when we were sharing our issues. You enforced our small group and without you our small group probably would not have gotten that close. You're so kind and considerate and you care so much about other people, and John was right, it's impossible for you to be mad at anything or anyone. I'm so immensely unbelievably glad you were my counselor this year. You being there prompted me to share and your comforting words and words of advice afterwards always made it worth it, and it was just amazing. I don't know how to explain how much I'm going to miss talking to you and your hugs, you're so easy to talk to and I really really enjoyed our one-on-one. I didn't expect to talk about that much in our one-on-one, but I feel like when I'm talking with you it's just so comfortable and so easy to open up about just anything, and I feel like I can talk to you about anything. You're so easy to talk to and you're always there to listen. Thank you SO much for that... you were always there when I just needed someone to listen, and that always means so much to me. I don't think these descriptions of how I feel are doing Christina and John justice-- they were the awesomest counselor pair, and I am SO glad I had you guys as my counselors this year. I can't even put into words how much I appreciate all you guys did for us, and all the sleepless nights you guys put in for us. And just thank you for making our small group such an open space and an open area for us all to share-- but mostly, thank you for listening and just being there for all of us. Speaker Sessions Tom Lin, our speaker, was amazing. I'm looking at my notes right now, and everything he talked about really hits me, in the gut.Day One - Barriers for loving out loud for Taiwanese.
- Career and Academic Expectations
- Risk/Adverse, don't want to stick out
- Pride: don't want to ask for help
- Insecurity: don't believe we're good enough.

Insecurity is DEFINITELY something I have a problem with. I don't believe I'm good enough most of the time, because sometimes if you hear something too often, you start to believe it. Tom then told us, to HAVE HOPE! and that just really hit me. Previously, I had a point in my life when I completely lost hope and I just thought 'hoping' for something was completely pointless. That hoping just led to being let down and heartbreak, and that there was no point hoping for something, when in the end you'd just get let down. Someone back then told me that hope is what keeps you waking up in the morning and HOPE is the strongest thing to have, because without hope we wouldn't have the slightest willpower. I thought of THAT this year. And so, that first day's message really hit every fiber in my being. I was blown away. The second day, he taught us to MAKE AN IMPACT. This was the day with the 5$ challenge. I remember he was talking about "Hitting the Wall" and just feeling that intense feeling of hopelessness... I've been there, done that. It sucks. I don't like the wall. Anyway... he said the point in life was to:* MAKE AN IMPACT IN OTHER PEOPLES LIVES, TO LOVE THE WORLD AROUND US WITH ALL THAT WE HAVE. He called up two people to get 5$. To tell the truth, at first, I was nervous about going up. I knew there was a catch, and I was afraid of taking it. What pushed me ahead? I thought, "Oh, what the heck. Might as well make an impact on someone's life. It's TAF! Love Out Loud, Maria!" And my hand went up. He called on me and my best friend Jonathan. He told me that I had to do something special with the 5 bucks. I was to use the five dollars to make an impact, whether small or large, on someone's life this week at TAF, and I had 3 days to do it. To tell the truth, when he said that, I was so proud that I had taken this challenge. He was talking about how we all could use up our time and money in order to do something else for everyone, and for the world, and that ANYONE, just ANYONE, and EVERYONE could do it. Even those two high schoolers who made a difference in Africa. I was so happy I took the challenge. That night, we had a small group meeting, and Christina came up with a brilliant idea while Tiffany Su was in the bathroom. (for some reason, I remember that specific fact..) The Manchester Staff at North Manchester did SO MUCH for us while we were at TAF and they were always so happy and willing to serve us.. and we realized that just a simple and plain "Thank You" just quite didn't break the surface. Christina decided that we, as a small group, would ALL go make an impact. It helped me out quite a bit, with my 5$ heh. But basically, we were to get all the names of the workers in the Breakfast, Lunch, & Dinner work shifts and we'd take pictures with all of them to show our appreciation. It was so awesome. I would see them laugh and smile when we asked them, and they'd appreciate it as well. Believe it or not, it felt SO great to help someone, and be able to GIVE BACK! to someone who gave to you. It felt so great to see the smiles on their faces when we said we appreciated all they did for us.. and seeing them being appreciated and smiling made me happy that I was doing something good, making someones day, and making them happy. Ooh, and there was a bonus. The chef? Chris, I think. was so unbelievably chill with it. We became great friends, actually. Me and Chris? Oh yeah, we're tight. I miss him. He was ALWAYS so cheery in the mornings, he'd open the door for everyone and whenever I saw him/he saw me we'd always have an OH HEY! and How's your day been! And he'd always be smiling and just so joyous. He reminded me of that chef in Ratatouille. So happy, so willing to serve. We had simple conversations, I would tell him that his food tasted AMAZING (which I actually meant, Sorry guys, but I enjoy Manchester food..) and he'd thank me, and I could see how happy it made him. He tried chinese yoyo-ing, it was so much fun to see him try to yo-yo and he was so happy and he was having so much fun with it. Woo, sorry. basically, it was SO AWESOME being able to give back to the Manchester staff and seeing them happy, because we appreciated what we did for them so much. It felt good to help someone else... I really liked Tom's point that day, to MAKE AN IMPACT! and do something with your time and money and everything that you have. Even though it's hard... it's very rewarding. (Which is why I hope to do coordinating and staffing soon! But that's another story heh heh.)And now, I know I'm spending so much time on the category of speaker sessions, but it really hit me a lot. I learned so much from Tom this year, and what he said REALLY impacted me.

I'm going to skip a day, and talk about the:3 obstacles for receiving love.
1. The lie of Commercialism/Advertising
2. The lie of "Praise" stars
3. The lie of negative voices

The commercialism and advertising examples were very interesting-- It was interesting how companies use your feelings and emotions in order for their own benefit. It was definitely shocking to me that some companies really directly attempted to influence what you did and how you felt to make you buy something. When we did that experiment.. I got a star. I was really happy that I got a star, but I really wanted to give stars to other people. I do not believe that anyone should be labeled as a circle, because everyone is special in their own way, and that is just simply amazing. Now, the 3rd point hit me the most-- ask you can probably see, as I bolded that one. That one hits me, SO INCREDIBLY HARD. So many people push me down and it's just so hard to get back up when they tell you the same thing over and over again. For me, no matter how much I try to fight it and defy their pushing, I hear it so much that I just start to believe it. Then when that happens, that's what causes insecurity and that causes me to feel that I'm not good enough, and then that just goes downhill

And right here, I have to insert a message of gratitude to Jessica Fu. During the Identity Dialogue (which I'll talk about later) and even in what you wrote in my yearbook-- that really meant so much to me. You comforted me and told me that I was indeed good enough, and you have no idea how much that touched me. Thanks so much for being there during the identity dialogue- you saying that one simple phrase right after just overwhelmed me, because it was so nice feeling that someone was there to listen and that someone cared. Every time someone pushes me down, I think about what you said and what you wrote in my Yearbook, and I feel so much better. Thank you so much for that. You gave me the hope and willpower to stand back up whenever someone pushes me down. I can't thank you enough for that.

And, I gotta give a special thanks also to Allen Yu. That one day after the Identity Dialogue I just wanted a friend to be there to listen to me, and I'm glad you were there to listen. You let me rant and I know that must've been so hard, since I rant like a monster, but thank you for just being there to listen. and hey. You're a really good friend, and don't let anything/anyone ever let you think otherwise. And the last point Tom said...YOU ARE WORTHY OF BEING LOVED. Oh man. That one hit me the most. Sometimes I have trouble believing that... sometimes I question my existence in this world and the value I bring. Sometimes I feel like the world would be no different without me here, and sometimes I Feel that it would be BETTER without me here. Sometimes I feel that I just have no place in the world, that I don't belong... that I'm not worth being cared for, I'm not worth being loved. And that statement, it was just, whoa. We talked about it in small group too, and the question was asked- "Do you believe you're worthy to be loved?" And it wasn't then 'til I realized that even though sometimes I feel like I'm NOT worthy to be loved.. I was put on this Earth for a reason and God loves me and has a place for me in this world, and he loves me despite my sins and everything I do. So although sometimes my insecurity might get to me, and the lie of negative voices will get to me, and I may feel like sometimes I'm not worth being in the world, that I'm nobody, and that I don't belong.. I feel like there will be someone there to remind me that I am indeed WORTHY of being loved, and that reassures me, so much. You guys are all worthy to be loved, btw. I love you all, oh so very much.

big sib/little sibs!

OH MAN I was so excited for the big sib little sib program this year! This was the first year I'd have a little youngin' of my own, and I wanted to be the big sib for her that my big sibs were for me. I admired all my big sibs so much, (Sue Anna, Nicole, Eric) and I was so excited to be that same thing for my little sib! I had Emma, and she was so incredibly adorable. She was so clever and smart at Stella Olla, it was incredible. It was ridiculously fun being her big sib, I'm so glad she was my little sib! Thanks for making my first year being a big sib unbelievable.

Branching Out: I feel like this year was the one year, that I branched out the most. When I got to TAF, my one important goal was that I'd get to branch out this year and I'd get to know everyone and not just stay within my own little group. And I am so proud to say that I did indeed do that this year. I'm so proud. I went around to go talk to everyone, and it was so awesome of how accepting they were. I made so many new friends that I would not have met if not for branching out and taking that nerve and first step and just going up to someone random, grabbing their hand and asking what their name is. It really is awesome- the friends you make in a split second, that you become so close to. It was so awesome, that actually happened so many times this year. I became so close to so many people that I didn't expect to be close to, that I only became close to because I randomly went up to them and shook their hand. I am so unbelievably glad that I reached out to many people this year, because I just made some new lifelong friends that I will never forget. I remember I was doing the Glee video workshop, and I made a new friend among my boosting crew, KENNETH. After that, it proved to myself that some friends I meet randomly could prove to be really close friends and really awesome. If you take the time to branch out, reach out, and introduce yourself to new people, You could be surprised at how accepting they are and how willing they are to be friends. I can't explain how awesome that feeling was.. to feel the TAFlove growing inside you guys and just being able to make so many new friends this year. Speaking of.. that leads onto another topic that I really want to talk about.

ACCEPTANCE.

I realized a lot about acceptance this year. Mainly because of the one and only FUNKY CHICKEN. I remember Bettina telling me to show her on Tuesday and I was so afraid to do it. I remember telling her that there was too many people and asking her whether I should do it now or later, hoping that I could stall it, heh heh. I was really nervous and anxious as to what other people would think of it and I thought they'd all think I was crazy and not like it. Well, I'm glad she told me to show it to her on Tuesday night, because I buckled under the pressure and we went outside to do it. When I started doing it she followed me and so did everyone else who was there, which I thought was actually really awesome-- but it gets better. We went inside because we decided we'd show it to Ming, and hopefully show it to all of Youth. After deliberation and talking, we decided we'd teach it to Youth in the morning before the Speaker Session & use it as a diss to Howard after lunch. Oh man I was so happy. My nervousness to do it and show it to people had disappeared and was replaced with excitement and I was just so happy that I could show people this funky chicken thing that I had actually been wanting to do for a while. I just gotta say, thank you SO MUCH Bettina and Ming for having my back in that and just pushing me to do it- because that showed me how much people cared and DIDN'T care what you did at TAF, how you could just be yourself and be crazy insane and they would accept you for it. It taught me about the TAF love and TAF bond that our family has, and I really pushed myself that week at TAF to just be myself and not be afraid to show everyone who I really was because I knew that people at TAF would accept me for that and everything I did. It was such a great feeling that morning to do it, and have the counselors & all my friends stand up and do it with me. It was so awesome, just knowing that everyone did it with me and they all loved it. I remember people after that telling me that I did really good, and Good job, but I was more proud of myself that I did it, simply because when I did that I felt the acceptance and the love that was there. I was afraid to do it, still, because I was still worried about judgement and what people might think of me. To tell the truth, I had to tell myself and remind myself of that feeling of acceptance I had felt that other day in order for me to actually put myself out there. I remember that night Bettina & Ming told me to do it, I went to bed with a smile on my face, and a smile in my heart. I was so happy and so excited that I could do it. and that morning, I had fear, but not as much, because I felt that people were there and they accepted what I was going to do. Bettina & Ming, (along with other people and everyone else, of course) made my week what it was, which was AMAZING. Thanks so much everyone. All I know is, that Wednesday when we showed it to the JHers as a diss to Howard, when I said "Hey Youth, Let me see that funky chicken!", everyone stood up and did it with me. It was like a flood of Youthers. All the counselors were up there doing it with me, and oh my goodness it was such an amazing feeling. It proved that everyone accepted me! and the crazy dance I showed them. It was amazing. Just knowing that people had my back and really accepted who I was and what I had to give. Bettina and Ming, I can't thank you enough for pushing me to do that-- it really was such a confidence booster and made me learn so much about myself and how I could just be myself and be who I really am, and not be afraid to be myself at TAF. It showed me how accepting the TAF family really is, and that day, I found the TAF bond. I can't thank you enough, and I can't stress how much you made my YEAR. That feeling of acceptance and love, even though I can't find that at school, will always be in my heart. and will always be associated with TAF. And that feeling of everyone caring and just everyone having my back will always be in my memories. You have no idea how awesome that made my week. If that didn't happen, I wouldn't be who I was. It really showed me how at TAF, I didn't have to be afraid and hold back who I was-- it showed me that people love you for who you are, and that really meant so incredibly much to me. Thank you everyone, for just standing up there and doing it with me, even if you didn't want to. The fact that you did really meant so incredibly much, I can't explain. All the things I did at TAF that following week after that day was done because I had the confidence in myself, that I could be who I really was without holding back. That's the TAFlove and TAF bond I'll be looking forward to every year.

Identity Dialogue

I had no idea what to look forward to in the Identity Dialogue this year. I had figured out that TAF love was gone this year, and I was devastated. I had really loved the TAF love program at previously. I had no idea what I was going to expect. I went in kind of afraid, because everyone had said how deep it was. Suprisingly, we went in and we all sat in rows and started singing old TAF songs and just having a great time. I was so confused-- until it got serious, and they told us to all leave and go out into the main lobby. We closed our eyes, and we were slowly led into a pitch dark room and we were told to sit in a circle. We were told that we were to share anything we wanted, or we were allowed to pass. The first story was shared and the first person started sharing, and I could feel the room's atmosphere becoming deep. I could hear voice cracks in the person who was sharing's voice and I started thinking about how awesome TAF was. TAF was such a place where we could all share and we could all say anything we wanted to, and we wouldn't have to be afraid of anyone thinking badly about us and TAF is the one place where I always feel open enough to share with everyone and I would not be afraid. After some people shared, I felt the tap on my knee, signaling that it was my turn to share. To tell the truth, my first thought was to pass it on, because I had no idea what I was going to share, and I was afraid to. I wasn't sure of what people would think of me, and personally, I have always had the hardest time opening up. Except for at TAF of course, but suddenly that feeling came back. I just had a hard time opening up and telling people everything that I felt. But then I told myself that this was TAF, we were in a dark room, and your voice was gone anyway. So I started talking. To tell the truth, earlier that day in small group we had also had an incredibly deep discussion and I had also shared. I also started crying that morning, within seconds of sharing. I was already opened up, and it was awesome, that feeling that we had an open atmosphere in where we could share. It felt so good that people at TAF were there to care and listen to you and so, this is what I told myself that night in the Identity Dialogue in order to get myself to share. So I did. And yes, I started crying. Within seconds of sharing. And I remember I had to take a long pause in order to catch my breath so that everyone could understand me. I was really really bawling. And I felt a hand on my back, comforting me. and that topped it off. It was so awesome, so nice feeling that someone cared and that someone really cared for me and just cared about me. Thank you, Jessica Fu for being there and caring for me. And even more, thank you for what you said afterwards-- just what you said made me feel so much better and I use that to keep on going and it really gives me the hope to not listen to what other people say about me and I just can't tell you how grateful I am for just telling those things. Whenever someone pushes me down, I think of what you say and that gives me the hope to get back up. Thank you so much Jess Fu! It really meant so much. It was really awesome how many people shared and what everyone shared about. It was awesome that everyone was able to share and the open atmosphere at TAF was just so awesome- everyone was able to talk and it was just so amazing. That was so incredibly awesome. I loved that everyone shared.

Celebration Dance

I could honestly say, I couldn't really get into it this year. I would try to hop in there and dance along with all the TAFers I loved, but I honestly couldn't. Because every time I jumped in, I would feel that feeling of love and the bond that we all had, and it was just so amazing. And then I would realize that it was about to end. I would always start tearing up whenever I Went in because I would look around, and see the TAF friendships that were made and that were being made in the process. And then I would FEEL that love and the bond and I would just tear up over it being over. I remember talking to Jeff Nian and we were talking about how I was not feeling it because it was the last day and it was all about to end. He agreed with me and he totally understood- thank you so much for that by the way. You were always there to talk to and that meant so much to me. You were always so much fun to talk to and I felt as if I could always talk to you about anything. Anyway, back to the topic of Celebration Dance. I really just couldn't get into it- I remember Chloe, Jack, and Kenny telling me to get in there and dance but I really just couldn't find it in me. I was so sad that it was about to end and I reflected on how amazing that week was for me because this week was definitely the best ever. I reflected on that, and I really just did not want it to end. Every time I brought myself to go in and dance, it would just hit me because I would look around and see everyone dancing together and I would tear up and I would just end up sitting by myself on the sideline, watching it all. I just couldn't help but feel the end of this wonderful week. And that is why I couldn't dance. I'm sorry, guys who tried to make me dance-- but thanks for the effort, it really meant a lot. and thank you Jeff Nian for understanding.

Last Thoughts Leaving TAF

To tell the truth, as I was leaving, I didn't cry. I wasn't so much sad that I was leaving, because of many reasons. I knew that this would not be the last time I would see everyone, and that I would see them over Oovoo, post TAF, TAF Chicago, or any other multiple events. I didn't see it as a "Goodbye", but a "See You Later", because I just felt as if this was not the last time I'd be seeing them, so I was actually okay with leaving. Don't get me wrong, I was definitely sad that the week was over, because that bond and that acceptance that I found at TAF this year could not be found anywhere else, and I knew that, and that's what hit me the most. But to tell the truth, I left with a happy feeling in my heart. I was happy about all that I had received and all that I had gained this week. I had learned about acceptance. I had made new friends that would last forever. I felt the TAF bond. I felt the TAF love. I learned about making an impact on the world. I learned about loving out loud . And I was just so happy about all that had happened... I had made a music video to Mulan, I had shown everyone the Funky Chicken, and I had realized who I really was, and I had reached out and branched out to other TAFers. I had had deep one-on-one conversations with multiple TAFers & counselors, and I was so happy about that. I had searched my feelings, found comfort, and found people who were there to tell me that I had hope and that they were there for me. I found people who really cared about me, and they had my back. I found people who would accept me for who I was. That week, I was able to be myself. I was accepted. For me. And that was the biggest point. That was my biggest success. That was the biggest thing I learned and gained from that wonderful week at TAF. I found a love and a bond that I couldn't find anywhere else. And that meant the WORLD to me. So you see, I wasn't really sad that the week was over. I reminisced on EVERYTHING that I had gained that week- and everything that I had learned, the person I had become, and the new feeling of confidence I had in me.. and I couldn't be sad. This week was the best thing that happened to me. And even though it may be over.. the fact that it even HAPPENED in the first place was mind blowing. I really didn't feel sadness that it was over, because SURE, of COURSE I would miss everyone-- but this would definitely NOT be the last time I would see them. And yes, I loved Manchester (even the food..) and all the people there, and all the good memories that were made, but the fact that those events even took place were engraved in my memory forever, and I would have that with me for the next 365 days. I was talking to Jeff Nian about this a few days after TAF-- we were talking about how I wasn't so sad that TAF was over. Well, in a way I was, and in a way, I wasn't. I was upset that it was over, which is why I couldn't participate in the Celebration Dance, as much as I wanted to- Because this week did so much for me as a person, and impacted me so much. However, for the same reason-- I was happy. I wasn't immensely sad. For the same reason, I was happy that it even happened in the first place. I was so happy, because I had recognized a change in myself, and I had that new feeling of confidence and love and I felt that BOND in me. Yes, that made me happy. The fact that I gained all this from a week at TAF? Unbelievable, I know. But that's just how much it did for me. I put all of my heart into TAF this week- and the amount you put IN, is the amount you get out. I'm so glad I put my heart into it this week: this is the one week, out of all the years that I've gone, that I've put the most into TAF. and I'm so glad I did-- because I got the most out of it, in return. In a way, that made me sad too. I don't know how to explain it-- I don't know if I'm explaining this correctly. I was happy that it happened, and I was sad that it was over. I cried because I knew this bond and this acceptance and this love that I found at TAF was about to end, and would be hard to find in the "real world". I was happy, because I gained so much and I FOUND the bond, found the acceptance, and I found the love. I felt it all, inside my heart. And I recognized how much it changed me, as a person. And so did some other people around me.

I went home that day, and I stayed up until 1 AM telling my mom about everything that happened. EVERYTHING. Normally, if she asked me what I learned at TAF, I would usually give the normal response-- "Nothin'. The usual. Communication." No, not this time. I told her EVERYTHING. and EVERYTHING I felt. which is why this Reflection is more than 5,000 words long. (Yes, I counted.) Because I'm telling you guys the same thing. This is more for me, than for you guys. Well, Of course I hope that you guys read this, because I just want to share how much I really got out of this past week at TAF. But This is also for myself-- in the way that I'm keeping this here, archived.. as a memory, and a constant reminder of what TAF means to me, how much it means to me, and all that it's done for me. But mostly, how it's changed who I am as a person, and how it's changed my life. I was going to insert shoutouts to particular people at the end of my Reflection, but now, I don't think I am. Because, how could I thank all the TAFers, the counselors, the PD's, the TAFlabs, the Manchester Staff.. how could I thank ALL of them, when my gratitude is unable to be put into words? Thank you SO much, all, (and really, ALL) for making my week UNBELIEVABLE. From the TAFers who I randomly had deep conversations with, and the friends who were always there for me when they would see my smile fade and my eyes start to water, from the counselors who provided a safe space and an open space for all of us to say what we really wanted to say, from the people who allowed me to be myself and show who I really was, for the people who dealt with my crazy insane self, and the people who made the whole TAF experience what it is, and MORE . For the behind the scenes people who impacted TAF as a whole, for the PD's who were there for each and every one of us, despite not getting any sleep- for the coordinators who made the week what it was, for all the PD's, campers, coordinators, and counselors for making the TAF family what it was, and for letting me be able to feel the love and bond that we only find at the one and only mystical 7 day place we call TAF.

Normally I see TAF as one dream, one fairytale story. Now, I see TAF as one year-long bond, a family that is always there for you, always accepting who you are, and a family that always has your back. I don't think I can thank you guys enough. I am ALWAYS here for each and every one of you. Call me. Facebook Msg. Wall posts. Email. AIM. Skype. Oovoo. I have it all. contact me, whenever you'd like. I'm here for each and every one of you. It's the least I could do, for the uncountable things you've done for me. You all have impacted my life SO greatly. I am so incredibly BLESSED to have you all. I'm so incredibly blessed to have gone to TAF in '07. I'm so incredibly blessed to have met you all.I'm just so blessed, to have the Taiwanese American Foundation. Thank you so much, all of you-- for all that you have done for me. All that you have taught me, all that you have let me feel. Thanks for welcoming me, accepting me, and making me part of the family. I love you all, so very much. (Sappy ending, I'm sorry. & I'm sorry for making you guys read through all of this.. I know it's long.. it's 9 pages on Microsoft Word.. I'm SORRY! And I love you <3)

TAF IS GONNA CHANGE THE WORLD.

Aileen Jong.

AILEEEEN, this wall post is for youuuu!

My facebook was blocked and I really wanted to respond to you, but since Facebook blocked me from replying on your wall, I had to resort to blogs. and you said you followed my blog, so.. haa.


Okay, so I have multiple points.

1. I MISS YOU SO MUCH. SOSOSOSO MUCH. do you remember when you, me, and Christine were like TWINS/TRIPLETS and everyone said we looked alike? I wish you could go to TAF this year, I miss you so much! I was really looking forward to seeing you too. OHman, I really wish you could go. but I stalked your & Christine's wall-to-wall and I saw that you had the camp conflict.. :/ it stinks! I miss you so much! I'll definitely let you know how TAF is! We'll be missing you the whole time! And hopefully we'll be able to meet up again soon. ^______^;

2. Music player.
first you have to go to playlist.com to make a playlist.
then on your blog thing, add the gadget, well type in the search box "music playlist" and there should be like one with the program, but some weird dude made it and there's a weird background int he playlist.
well all you have to do is get the number of your playlist (which is in the URL) and type it in the square that the dude provided for the URL number, then you can remove the background and insert your own, and wah lah, you have your own playlist! and whenever you wanna add songs, just go back to playlist.com and you can change it and it automatically updates the one on your profile.

teehee :)



I MISS YOU SO MUCHHHH! Hope you have fun @ camp! We'll be thinking of you! ♥

Friends.

stronghold. ♥*

Some people are unpredictable.

and some aren't.


but sometimes you want to believe that the person is something they're not.

Right when you're thinking everything's okay, and you're best friends,

Something happens and well you guys aren't so tight anymore.

My mom always told me that if you get too close to someone,

eventually, you'll grow apart. You won't last long.

and sadly I think it's true.

I've learned from past experiences, if you're too close to someone for too long,

and you establish TOO MUCH trust, (yes, there is such thing, I believe.)

It just doesn't turn out well.

Sometimes I tell myself that there's exceptions for that,
that some friends will really stick with you all your life.
but no matter how TIGHT and TOGETHER we feel right now,
is that really going to apply in the future?
You might say right now that we're going to be friends forever and keep in touch no matter what direction we go in,
but search yourself for a minute. will you REALLY do that?
Or are you just telling yourself that, for comfort?

Some people I've only known for a few years.
and yet they're my best friends. I normally don't admit that I have best friends. I don't like segregating/dividing up my friends.
Well, I kind of do. but I don't like saying it.

ha, well. and some people that I've only known for like a year or half a year,
it seems like we're so close, and it could go nowhere but uphill.

What stinks is, I don't know that. no one knows that. no matter what group you're in or how much time you spend together, you don't know the future.
you don't know what's going to happen. if you grow apart, or stay together.
sure, you tell yourself all that to make yourself feel better,
as a sense of security and belonging
but I think inside we all know that some things can't last forever

I'm not saying that all of our friends are going to be gone in our futures

but I'm saying that it is unpredictable. You don't know what's going to happen.




I think all you can do right now is hang on to the friends you've got and cherish your time together. And what happens, happens for a reason. No matter how much we don't want it to.

But I love my friends. They're there for me in EVERYTHING I do, and I'm so extremely blessed to have them.

so YOU. if you're reading this, you're my friend. because you care.


:) Thanks for being my friend. through everything.


Ick, I feel so mushy-gushy. but it's a good mushy-gushy. like a warm and fuzzy mushy gushy.

^______________^;


So basically, I'm going to sum things up. Cause I'm even confusing myself right now.


I don't know what's going to happen in the future, but I do know what's going to happen today. and Today, and as for the PRESENT, I'm going to keep my friends with me, close. If we grow apart in the future, you still definitely made an impact on my life and I'm blessed to even have met you. But let's not talk about that now. I don't even like thinking about the future. I'm blessed to have you in my life NOW, and I cherish and love you as a friend. Thanks for being there, and you guys are all in my heart, always. All of my friends, are like my family.




Thank you for everything. Thank you for caring.







ALRIGHTS no more mushy-gushy ness ^_____^;



With love, Maria

CONGRATS ANTHONY AND VIVIANE!

Congratulations to Anthony and Viviane Cho on their marriage! It was an amazing ceremony, so touching and so emotional, I cried hahaha. It was so sweet. I loved it.

It brought both churches back together, and it was REALLY nice seeing everyone again. Sometimes I just really miss the good ol' times.

Congrats! May your lives be filled with love and joy :)

God bless your marriage! May he be with you as you continue to live your lives together!

Thank you for everything!


Congrats! ^-^

Pardon My Absence.

Hello all, (or none)

Pardon my absence from this wonderful world of bloggin'.
Last week I found out randomly that people DO read my blogs & it's like WHOA ALL AT ONCE WHAT and I became really self conscious of it... but now I'm just deciding to pretend I never heard any of it teeheehee. but Thanks for reading, guys. :)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OKAYTOPIC. NEWTOPIC. NOMORESELFCONSCIOUSNESS.
I like sticking all of my words together :)

So the other day, I was thinkin'.

I don't know how long y'all have known me, but I was told that when I was little I used to smile. A LOT. AND LIKE. BE HAPPY GO LUCKY. AND STUFF.

Now, now. Calm your horses. I'm not saying I don't smile & I'm not happy anymore, but I know that I don't have that 24/7 smile that people used to talk about.

Sure, they were probably exaggerating. But I do know that once in a while I get extremely depressed about NOTHING AT ALL, (or maybe sometimes something,) but I know that sometimes things upset me extremely easily.

I don't know, I can't really give you an example right now... but I usually get upset easily, sometimes. SOMETIMES*. Like I don't know, sometimes I'm really bipolar... I'm really happy one moment but then something happens, or someone says something that really IRKS me and I'm just like, oh, poo. :|

YEAH. SO UH. what was I talking about? Oh, the past. right.

I think as life goes on, you're faced with challenges and let's say, OBSTACLES/HURDLES in the RACE OF LIFE. AROUND THE RACE TRACK.

You can either try your best, and JUMP across the hurdle with pride and determination, or you can not try as hard, and trip over the hurdle... getting past it, but getting injured in the way, & not learning anything new.

Of course, you could also just STOP running and walk around the hurdle but seriously, you'd get disqualified from the track meet. Or something. there'd be consequences, I know that much.


I think everything in life happens for a reason.
Am I being overdramatic? yes. In my head, there's a soap opera goin' on.

Anyhoo. yeah, I truly believe that. For example. if something terrible happens and I'm just like in ANGUISH and I completely wish it didn't happen, I just think that God has a plan for me and everything I'm going through and the path I'm walking is on his map for me.

I think of God's plan for me like a map. Yes, I can go stray, and I can walk off the path into the Forbidden Forest (Harry Potter reference!), but in the end he pulls me through, gives me directions to go back to the right path, or the main path, and eventually I end up in the right place, the place where I belong, the place where I want to be.

You could think of the "stray paths" the 'hurdles' or the obstacles I referred to.

The thing is, I've talked about this topic before. and I'll stress it again. Whenever you're going through something bad, or a big problem... what's the one thing almost everyone thinks?

During their moments of pain and suffer, what's the one thing that EVERYONE thinks?


that they're alone.


I'll admit it, I'm afraid to be alone.
Okay, not afraid. Well.. yeah, kinda afraid. okay, I need a better word choice.

not as much "AFRAID", as I just DON'T LIKE being alone. I feel insecure and just vulnerable. I feel, weak and not proud. I don't feel like myself and I just feel, like I've failed everyone and I'm not good enough.


YEAH. OKAY. maybe afraid. because I don't like feeling those things. I don't like feeling rejected, or being by myself.

Well, sometimes I do. Sometimes I like it just me, myself, and I. ANTISOCIALITY. Sometimes I really do like being by myself.

but is it always really Me, Myself, and I? or is there, uh, a fourth perspective? er, not perspective... person*? hehe.

Erurhm. WELL BASICALLY. God's always there. simple and that's it.

I think that when you like being alone, it's time that God wants you to reflect on Him and everything that you've gone through and everything that He's done for you. That's the time he's really given you to think and just be alone.

So yes, I do believe sometimes it's okay to be alone...



and when you feel alone, you're really not.

I knew someone who legitimately was scared of being alone.
Yeah, well.

You're never really truly alone, even if no physical being is near you.

Think about who you have with you.

No, maybe not visually. Maybe not physically.

Inside you, yoooo.

:DDDD

God's always with youuuu!




Hopefully, that'll give you a reason to smile ^_______^

SLEEEEEEEEP

I'm writing this blog about this topic for 2 reasons.
1. I'm extremely tired.
2. I have somethin' to share about said topic. ^______^

"Sleep, those little slices of death; Oh how I loathe them."- Edgar Allen Poe


My mom once told me that people sleep for 30 years, in their whole life time. that's 30% of their whole life, if you live to be 100.

Yeah, that's all.

I'll leave you to ponder that.



^________________^;

I'm sick.

I'm sick of people judging me.
I'm sick of thinking that I have to change in order for people to like me.
I'm sick of being left behind.
I'm sick of no one caring.
I'm sick of pretending.
I'm sick of IGNORANCE.
I'm sick of people not accepting me for who I really am.
I'm sick of having to do something for someone else.
I'm sick of feeling like I have to do something in order for people to like me.
I'm sick of having to act some specific way for acceptance.
I'm sick of not being accepted.
I'm sick of betrayal.
I'm sick of feeling left out.
I'm sick of feeling like I don't belong.
I'm sick of people making me feel like I don't belong.
I'm sick of people pretending to be something they're not.
I'm sick of society.
I'm sick of all people do in order to fit in.
I'm sick of the things people say and do to get a reputation.
I'm sick of the pressure you get from society.
I'm sick of judgment from a first look.
I'm sick of being used.
I'm sick of being so easily disposable.
I'm sick of social groups and cliques.
I'm sick of being forgotten.
I'm sick of feeling like you have no friends.
I'm sick of feeling alone.
I'm sick of just being there.
I'm sick of people conforming to society.
I'm sick of people.




sometimes, I really like just being by myself.
being antisocial.
just, nothing and no one but me and my music, and myself.

just, keeping to myself.

feeling like I don't need anyone else.

but yet I do.

I'm really sick of the PEOPLE in this world.

and

I'm really sick of SOCIETY and the way it changes them.

sometimes, I just like being alone.





but no, not always.

The power of music.

I like so much, how music can get you through anything.
how, whatever you're going through or however you feel, there's always that ONE SONG, or that one playlist that can make you feel better.
I don't know about you guys, but to me, Music fixes everything.
am I overdramaticizing everything? perhaps.

but I speak the truth when I say for myself, that I feel like whenever something happens in my life that I feel like no one else can help me and I don't want to talk to anyone,

I just listen to some music and it's not that the problem's gone, it's just that, it's shoved out of the way temporarily, my mood is lifted, my mind is cleared, and I just don't have a care in the world.

the 3 minutes of pure joy.

and sometimes, there's just that one song that I feel was written for me.
it just explains my life.
it's like, they knew I'd listen to it, and wrote it JUST FOR ME.
ever feel like that?
it's like. wow, the music really speaks to me.
it hits me in the gut.
and I remember it. it's just so deep, so powerful.
I don't know. I'm weird. haha.

also, when the music you're listening to corresponds with what you're doing.
for example, I was riding a bike one day and I was riding up a hill when my song switched to 'Defying Gravity' from Wicked, and I felt so immensely cool and powerful when I realized that the song matched what I was doing.

ahha, anyway. um. I'm making something really simple into something really deep.
ha, sorry. but does anyone else feel this way?
that sometimes, music can just clear your mind temporarily, have you forget about everything bad, and just, let you forget.

at least at the moment.




I think it's wonderful. whenever something happens & I'm feeling down, sometimes you have that moment where you just hate everyone, y'know? for no apparent reason? like PMS? 'cept not PMS? haha, well, it's like... sometimes I just don't want to talk to anyone about it, and talking or doing anything is just not what I want to do at the moment.

but for some reason, when I turn on my music, I just, forget all that happened. Dare I say, my mood gets infinitely better when I start listening to my music, even if it's music that no one else likes, or no one else cares about. I start feeling better, almost automatically.

magic?



I think yes. :)



oh, man. where would I be without music? ha.




mm, gotta go, gonna go listen to some more music before I get to bed.









^ what I'm listening to right now. this dude is like. my hero.