Alright. so. this took a while for me to type. Partly because of procrastination and all, but also, a part of me wanted to hold off on blogging about this particular subject in hopes that things would change, things would get better, and I simply wouldn't have to blog about this.
But I guess I have to.
If you're reading this blog, you probably know that I am in fact in the spring play at our school. And I am super excited about it.
I remember the first day I went to theater; I met this one girl (I don't want to mention names) and I remember that she was one of the nicest people I'd ever met. She was the one who started talking to me, the awkward lonely Asian kid watching everyone else have fun. She helped me get involved, and participate.
But however as these meetings went on, I found it harder and harder to fit in with a certain group. Because as it is in every where we go, there are specific cliques of people. Even in theater- which my friend had classified as 'accepting'. I guess I can see why it's accepting; I see so many people who are just themselves in theater. but personally, for me, I find it especially hard to fit in with one group. I find myself often alone, looking at the other groups and wishing that I could be open enough and be confident enough to be able to converse with them and hang out with them.
Speaking of Confidence.. oh, man. Confidence.
Something I've realized that I've come to lack. I find it so hard in theater to be myself, I think. I know that when I'm with my friends at school I tend to be carefree, happy, and I often try not to care about what others say or think of me. That's who I had classified myself as. Those were traits I was proud of.
But every time I walk into a theater rehearsal, when I try to be that person I am with my friends, I can't seem to do it. I can't seem to fit in the right way, and when I do try to go all out and give myself a little pride, I feel that I'm rejected more because of that, and my self esteem lowers even more as a result.
I feel conceited right now; I do hope you don't think the same of me.
I don't know. It's hard to explain. I wish I could be so much more. I mean, I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know if I can be proud of being me anymore, because who am I? Every time I try to fit in with the cast, I feel like I'm fake, that I have a giant mask on, and even with that mask on, I don't feel like I can be accepted.
What is with society? First of all, the cliques. but not just the cliques. the tendency to only accept certain people, who look and act a certain way. I constantly feel, nowadays that I'm just simply not good enough.
I know that I've been told that I AM good enough; but with all that's going on, it's easier said than done.
As some of you may know, these last weeks of May are super busy for me. And I honestly don't even know if I can handle it. At times, I just want to give up and float. Sounds funny, huh? floating? Well, that's what I'd like to do. without a care in the world. Man, I miss that feeling.
I'm sorry I don't look like she does, I'm sorry I don't ACT like she does, And I'm sorry you guys can't accept me for who I am. I'm sorry, because I can barely accept myself, either.
AP Euro has been a fun class this year, I'm not going to lie. these past few tests, I've been getting better. but at the review sessions for the test, I find myself drawing back, and losing confidence in myself. I don't take charge. My friends answer the questions for me- all I do, is sit back and nod. and at times, object; but only to be corrected.
man, I hope no one reads this.
I leave those sessions at approximately 9pm, and when I get home, I sometimes just sit there, and my brain feels empty. I sometimes wonder what it feels like to be super smart. because I know I'm not. I know some of my friends object when I say this about myself. but honestly, sometimes I just feel nothing in my brain. it just feels empty and hollow.
My confidence has been drained so drastically these past few months. Whenever I try to be myself in theater, I find myself being rejected, or feeling more alone than I did before. I feel as though I'm simply not good enough to be accepted within the specific cliques- that I just don't have a place there.
and honestly- I don't know if I have a place there at all.
or, here. or anywhere, for that matter.
it's just, so often I feel like I'm a constant disappointment to myself, and this causes me to feel as though I'm a constant disappointment to others. and I'm so scared of disappointing others.
I don't know who I am. sure, I used to classify myself has happy, proud, confident, shameless, and carefree. but why is it that when I go to theater, where people claim to fit in and be accepted the most, that I can barely even bring myself to speak my mind?
I find myself constantly wanting to be like "that other girl" who is super skinny, and flirts with all the guys. but that's just not me. I don't want to be like her. Why do I want to be like her? Because she has that group. she has that group of friends- but the one thing I especially notice about her is that she holds her head up high. she's confident, and proud of who she is.
Recently I had played piccolo in band.
Wow, I really do hope no one reads this. but someone probably will, so, hi!
anyway. I had been given the honor/role of playing piccolo in band. and I had the music down. and piccolo, I'd say is a naturally loud instrument. I found it hard to play with my heart, but I instead found myself holding back, because I was scared. I don't know what I was scared of, but I just wasn't confident.
holy crap, this post sucks.
I just.. I just wish that I could be more confident.
I feel really redundant, saying that over and over and over again.
but really.. I keep hoping that I'll be able to be more confident and I won't be shy and shy away from everyone in theater- because I don't believe that's who I am. Well, I didn't believe that's who I was.
Now, I'm just not so sure. I find myself sitting alone, doing homework.. and when I do talk to someone I can barely hold a conversation. I end up saying a few words, and then shying away.
Damn it, I just wish I could be like 'that one girl'. I wish I had a place. I wish I was good enough.
gosh, this post sucks.
if this wasn't the end, I'd tell you not to read it.
seeya.
I'll probably blog tomorrow, or sometime -- when the feelings are more fresh. right now, it's 10, and it's been 4 hours. so, it's kinda died away.
tomorrow, it'll probably happen again. but I'll probably just deal with it anyway.
Seey'all later. thanks for giving me your time.
