words can't bring me down.

words can't bring me down.

sometimes, it's really hard for myself to believe that. I have trouble shutting out other people's words and choosing not to believe them.

Throughout the day today, I had those words repeated to myself often. I had to keep reminding myself that what other people said didn't matter and I didn't have to care about their opinions. But that's harder than I'm making it sound. IT sounds easy, doesn't it? Well, it's not. For me.

yesterday night, I found out that I had been accepted into a band called IMEA, a district-wide band that took MONTHS of preparation for. Whole summer. That much work. and I made it. after tears and countless days of worry, I was so relieved when I got the news that I made it. I got up in the middle of my flute lesson and I did a special dance.

However, when I broke the wonderful news to my mom, with a face of smiles and a light heart, I couldn't help but feel that she was a little bit disappointed. Yes, disappointed. I don't know why, I had trouble pinning my head on the reason.

But, she is disappointed. that I didn't do better. that I didn't get into the all-state band. that I wasn't good enough to get into Orchestra. that I didn't work as hard on the music as I should have.

Ok, I get that. I already have goals for next year. (Orchestra & All-state, baby!) And last night before I went to bed, I told her that. That I already knew, that I understood, that I already had new goals. She said that she got it, and she wouldn't talk about it anymore.

that is, until this morning. My mom walks to the bus stop with me, like an 'early morning walk' and I could feel this topic coming quickly. I quickly put on my headphones and blasted my music. I tried to talk about normal topics-- I was going to stay after school today, etc. But for some reason, I couldn't stop myself from feeling the hesitation in her words and the disappointment.

Right before I was going to cross the street to the bus stop, she said these words.
"Your tutor was VERY disappointed in you. She worked so hard with you these past few months and you let her down."

I couldn't help but feel as if she meant that SHE was disappointed-- and that I let HER down. Her/she- as in my mom.

I ran across the street. I didn't want to hear it. My iPod was on full blast.


Ok, I guess this sounds a little selfish. but I really really didn't want to hear it. I really didn't. After what I went through last year, and what I thought I got over... I really didn't want to hear about disappointment. Anymore that I already did.


To tell the truth, my only thought at that point was, "I can't wait to get to school." People ask me why I like school so much. Because of my friends. Sometimes, I think of my friends more than my family.

I got to school, and when one of my friends who knew that I made it saw me, she congratulated me, as did the band. That felt so good. I was surprised. After a night of disappointment from making it, it was WEIRD that all these people congratulated me and cheered for me when they heard I made it. They weren't disappointed! they...clapped. and whooped. I was shocked. It had been a while since I heard praise. (A night & a Morning.. but you know what I mean..)

You see, last year was a terrible year for me. In terms of my self esteem and my life. At school, at home. Continuously throughout the year, I felt like I was letting people down, that I was worthless, that I wasn't good enough, that I was disappointing everyone-- my family, my friends, and myself. Basically-- last year was a year of disappointment, worthlessness, and 'not good enough'.

I went to TAF, however, and I thought those issues were resolved.


I quickly realized though-- that that wasn't true. I came back to reality. I realized, within a few months, that those feelings were still there. Before I Knew it, I was sunk back into that mood. the mood that there was no use for me in the world, I wasn't good enough, that I was a huge disappointment.

but, it wasn't THAT bad. it was nothing I couldn't shove away with music & some photography.

except when this happened.


I felt like such a disappointment. I still do. I know, just by this simple event, my mom hesitates before she talks to me. Sometimes, I just can't believe that something this simple is altering what our relationship was before. She looks at me, with that look. I can tell, she's disappointed. She claims she's happy I made IMEA. Yeah, I'll take her word for that. and I understand WHY she's disappointed, that I didn't do better.

But I really don't like it being repeated to me over and over again.

because sooner or later, if you hear something continuously-- you start to believe it. you start to feel it yourself. you start to be disappointed in yourself.

I've been through this, all last year. I REALLY didn't want to go through it again. I guess that won't happen.


I really do wish words couldn't bring me down. I wish I had the strength to shove them out and not care about them. I really, really do. I really wish I could just live my life and not care about what others said about me.


Now don't get me wrong, that's my philosophy. but when I know someone's disappointed in me, it hits the gut. It hits home. And that's the HARDEST thing to get over, for me.


I used to be excited to come home. To come home, have a good time with my parents.
That is, until today.

I found myself, wanting to stay after school for as long as I could. To avoid coming home-- because I knew that coming home meant facing and living with my mom's disappointment.

I really didn't want to feel this dread of coming home again.


Not again.



Who says words can't bring you down?!

I hate hate hate hate these nights.

I absolutely HATE these nights.

The nights when I stay up late, after a not-so-great day to begin with, and I just get that feeling.
That feeling that I'm alone, that there's no one here.

Currently I'm sitting in my room, by myself, and the house is silent.

Asides from the music I'm about to blast, of course.

Anyway. These nights are occurring more and more often now.. I partly blame the TAF blues I always have.

Yeah, I still have TAF blues. I know when you read this some people will think that the whole concept is absolutely silly. Feeling sad over ONE WEEK at some "Asian" camp in Indiana? Ridiculous sounding, am I right? Yeah, I guess.

But now a days, when I'm in school.. I feel like no one really gets me like the people who I've only known for 2 weeks in my entire life. I don't know how that happened. I guess that's the TAF love and the TAF bond we all have.

Sorry, this post isn't supposed to be about TAF.

Well, kind of. It's hard not talking about something that you've been thinking about 24/7.

Recently.. I've been feeling so ALONE. so left out, so.. not part of anything. I feel like I'm just.. alone, while everyone else is doing their thing. Sometimes I feel like I'm just not there. Invisible. I'm ignored.

Not exactly ignored.. just, misunderstood.

Now, I gotta tell y'all somethin' that I don't know you all know? Er, perhaps you do. I'm pretty shameless. And I'm not gonna lie, that's one part of me that I'm proud of. That's one thing that I completely love about myself. I don't really care what other people think about me-- I live by the philosophy that this is YOUR life, live it up the way YOU want to and don't let anyone else limit your horizons, 'cause you have the whole world in front of you.

I know that sounds so incredibly cliche.. but that's what I live by. I'm shameless. I get it from my mom. One friend, at school, asks me how I can do it. To not care about what other people think, not to care about being judged.. etc. I do care. I just choose to push it away. It affects me, yeah. It definitely does.


I think I'm getting off topic. Uhh, what was I talking about? Give me one second to scroll up.

Oh, right.


Misunderstood. Not belonging. Alone. Not worth it.

Okay, okay. I know at TAF.. I claimed I got over it. that's because at TAF, I really did. After the Identity Dialogue, I thought that I was worth it. that I WAS WORTH BEING LOVED. I partly think that's because of the atmosphere, and the people. The people who I could be myself with. The people who I knew were my friends. My family.


But then, of course, I returned to reality. Like Calvin & Hobbes said, "Reality continues to ruin my life". that, my dear friends, basically is the STORY of my life.

I returned to school. I thought everything was fine. I was myself. I felt like I could conquer the world. The confidence I had left with from TAF was overwhelming, and amazing. It showed. To the people who chose to look.

But when I first took the step into society.. into the real world.. it was different. It was judgemental. Even though I tried my hardest to ignore it, and remember all that I learned at TAF.. I tried to remember the support there was, the no fear, the amazing feeling I had.. it was hard to ignore.

Anyway. I'll stop talking about the past. I'll talk about the present.

At school.. I feel like I don't belong. When I try to be myself, and be shameless... I feel like although there are some people who love it, there are more people who hate it. Who shoot me those looks, those piercing looks that silence me. That make me think about what THEY think of me.

And other days, I feel so alone.
I look around me, and I see everyone in their own groups of friends.. in their own little lives, with their own simple pleasures. I feel as if I'm independent. but sometimes, I want to be dependent.

I feel ignored. When I try talking to someone in my time of need, I feel as if it's pushed away, and unregarded. It's like they just don't care. I know although this may not be true, because I do love my friends-- sometimes it really just feels this way. There's those days, when I feel so stupid and vulnerable.

I used to have a stone, cold heart. I wouldn't break. I wouldn't fall. I wouldn't cry. Most of all, I wouldn't let anyone in-- or let anything out.

I kind of want to be that person again. I don't like this new vulnerable me. I feel as if I'm too weak. I shouldn't be affected by everything that's happening. It's making me so mad at myself.

Now, I'm tearing up just thinking about everything that I felt this past week.



Just 10 minutes ago, I felt like the loneliest person in the world. From "Away" messages on AIM to people I really wanted to talk to, to people who didn't even respond when I talked to them, to people who left after I said a hi.

basically,



I feel like I'm losing the people I care most about.


I feel like I'm alone again. I hate feeling this feeling of loneliness. I hate these nights, that cause me to hate myself for who I am and cause me to WISH that I could be someone else, in order to EARN my friends BACK.



It's these nights that I get that feeling of WORTHLESSNESS, loneliness, disbelonging, and 'not good enough' back.




I'll get over it.







thanks joshua chang & harrison wu.






i think you know what for.