what hurts the most.

no, not the song by Cascada.
but really, literally, what hurts the most.

I'll just jump right into it, no point for an introduction.



Being Insulted.

Admit it, no matter how hard you try to hide it, being insulted hurts. even if you act like it was just a joke, and the person was just playin'.. inside, you have questions if that's what you really are. for me, it was always the question of how smart I was. after hearing so many people tell me I wasn't the brightest lamp in the closet, I just needed some reassurance.
and though people said I was smart when I brought it up, it just wasn't enough, for some reason.
I think it's because I wanted the right people to say it.
Even if the friend who said it to you isn't your best friend in the world.. it still definitely hurts me when they say it. and.. it hurts even more, when in your time of need... someone you love agrees with you.
when you are expecting, or hoping for them to deny it, and reassure you, and offer you words of comfort and tell you that you ARE smart, and you AREN'T worthless, and you DO have a place in the world, and you CAN have a good future.. and ease all your worries..
you expect them to deny that you're stupid, or can't do anything, am I right?
and I know right now you think I'm silly, using the word 'stupid', or making such a big deal out of it.
but let me explain to you why it's a big deal.
when they don't deny all those things. they, actually, agree with you. "Yes, I agree that you're stupid, I accept it, and I give up on you." those were the EXACT words they said. think about it. someone you love, and when you're expecting some words of comfort to make you feel better about yourself when you really need it.. and the person you love says that to you..
what happens to you? doesn't something just break inside? yeah, I'm pretty sure. I think it's trust.
but in this case, I can't really not trust the person who said this. well anyway..
how much does that hurt? even if you haven't had this happen to you.. please imagine the pain you're in when this happens.
the trust breaks.

"it takes forever to build trust.. and only seconds to break."

but you see... I can't really distrust my mom.
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Keeping Everything Inside.

so, I know there's some of you out there who just keep everything to themselves.
those hardcore people, who keep all their feelings to themselves and don't share them.
yeah, well, I've become one of them.
I've learned to be strong and keep everything inside.. I look at my heart as an iron closet.
that you can't open, unless you have the right key, or moment.
and that key is among a ring of 382947932 other keys. it's pretty hard to find.
but it hurts, doesn't it?
when you really are breaking down, and you want other people to know..
does that seem concieted?
to want other people to know?
but really.. you just want someone to comfort you?
I'm sorry if this sounds conceited.
but... I can't help thinking that way.
I just want SOMEONE to notice, SOMEONE to comfort me and tell me it's going to be okay, and say the right things at the right time at the right moment.
thats all. I just want someone to notice.
so.. what happens when you just can't find yourself sharing that?
you're yearning for words of comfort...
but all you can do, while chatting with your friends, is pretend everything is okay, and laugh and joke around with them over the internet.
I guess that's one bad thing about the internet.

I guess I've gotten too good at keeping on this mask.

but thanks, Jonathan Liu.. for saying the right thing... at the right time. it's like you knew....
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those are the two main big things in my life.

NOTICE: I did not write this to ask for pity.
I would never do something like that. I just wanted to get this out of my system, you know?
I don't want your pity, I can get over it myself.
I just... wanted to share with you guys what I think hurts us the most.

I'm sorry if, because of this post, you think I'm conceited and want attention.
I really don't.
I really hate attention when someone sees me upset.
I really do.
but I'm not saying it feels good when you think no one cares.

again. I'm sorry if you think I'm concieted, or I want your pity.

I just wanted to share.
if you have any issues... please talk to me.


with love,
Maria

Valentines Day & Chinese New Year!

wow, I haven't blogged in a while. I give you my sincerest apologies.
I've been meaning to blog, I promise!
it's just, whenever I'm down.. something cheers me up.
and then there goes my yearning to blog about my down feelings!

anyway, I'll stop rambling.
let's get down to business. (to defeat the Huns!)
wow, I'm getting very distracted no?
okay.
well, it's 12:21 right now, so it's VALENTINES DAY!
or for all you Asians out there; HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!

so, about Valentines Day.
my friend calls it "Single Awareness Day". which is kind of very true. think about it. Valentines day is a national holiday where couples and lovers express their love for each other, and that's what the day's all about.
now, if you're single.. I guess you could buy yourself chocolates, but it just isn't the same.
so I was talking to someone today, and he was very upset about being alone.
especially this time of year, the Single ladies & gents are all upset about being single.
but after V-Day, they usually just get over it and get on with life.
if you're alone for Valentine's day..
it's ok. you're not alone in being alone. if that makes any sense?
so you're NOT alone.



if you think technically?

Rest In Peace, Pierre. You'll be in our hearts, forever.

Pierre Washington Steele.

he may be gone.. but he will never be forgotten.

I didn't know you, personally.

but I know you were a great person, team mate, friend, and student.

you were loved my many, and I wish I had the honor to meet you.

all of Glenbard West was affected, and just know that we'll all miss you.

you'll always be in our hearts.

always.

even in those who didn't know you.

we all mourn your loss and miss you, so very much.

Rest In Peace.

we love you.

& stay strong, Demarco.

you'll pull through, we know you will.

you'll still be in our prayers. both of you will.

stay strong. we're all behind you.

fighting to the end.



We'll never forget you.

The Silver Lining

or not so desperate.
it's a tough time we're in right now.
yes, partly it's the economy.
but if you think about it..
many other things are happening too.
you could say, our life and the world as we know it are falling apart.
right now you're thinking,
"how? they're not that massive.."
think about it, for a minute. just sit, and think.
Haiti. yes, I know. you hear about it everywhere, and by now you guys are probably too annoyed to feel sorry for them.
well. I'm not.
think about it. they are, and were, one of the poorest countries in the world.
not just our nation,
THE WORLD.
all the countries included. THE WORLD.
and then, suddenly.. this natural disaster.
earthquakes. "oh, CA gets them all the time, no big deal."
now, I'm not going to sit here and inform you about the earthquake. I'm sure Robin and Bob Van Dillon on CNN has already filled you in on that quite enough.
but, so many little kids are in pain. and so much death. for one little place. for a place so poor.. it needs the most. and not just money. it needs HELP. little kids are without homes and without familes. think about it. what if something like this happened to you?
you were content. poor, but content with your lives. making the most out of it.
BOOM natural disaster BOOM.
you have nothing.
less than you had before. because this time.. your whole family's gone too.
you think 'feeling alone' is bad?
these kids feel more than loneliness. they ARE alone.
and they're young. they need support. but who's there to support them?
I can't help but to think.. how could something this terrible happen!?

there's example one.
------------------------------
hey, you, Dorothy. I know you're reading this. shout out!
but maybe not a great one. so, I hope you don't mind me saying this.. but no one reads my blogs anyway, so s'all good. I'll delete it if you don't want me to say it.
losing jobs. this economy. so many families are suffering from family members losing jobs.
yes, to you, it might not be that bad.
"oh, there's still the other parent." "they're okay."
yeah sure. that may be true.
but think about it. think about the bigger people.
the parents. suddenly, the fear of not being able to provide for the ones they love and would do anything for.. is overwhelming.
after losing a job.. you lose more than a job. you lose money, of course, but you also lose a sense of protection. a sense that everything is fine, and that your family is well provided for.
that your doing your job right.
now a days.. this is falling apart too.
so many families.
the devastation, the worry, and the fear. not to mention, the stress.
--------------------------------
also.. recently.. two students from glenbard west.
huuuge car crash.
life support, broken neck, lungs, and pelvis.
there is a risk of death.
though I did not know them..
I know they were beloved in Glenbard West.
football players.. so they contributed a lot.
think of their families, and friends.
think of the pain they're going through..
the worry that one of them might pass away..
and not to mention, the community.
Glen Ellyn had a prayer circle on Duchon Field last night with candles and all.
I couldn't make it.. but the message was powerful.
many people showed up. I, personally, did not believe it.
but yes. many people showed up.
all with one thought:
to pray for the two students, and to wish for their recovery.
and hope, that they'd get better.
it was some strong stuff.
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I'll stop now.
hope you're not too depressed.. and if you are.. here's some good news.
the silver lining, you could say.
I know some people out there, are atheist, and don't believe in a higher power.
but I know I do.
I know sometimes you may feel like you can do NOTHING to help someone, or maybe yourself. you think there's no way you can pitch in to support something or someone.
but you can. i figured this out recently too.
i made a video for my friend to try to cheer her up.. and while that may have worked,
there's something more POWERFUL than a simple video.
prayer.
yes, a small word. but such a big meaning.
can you feel the hope welling up inside of you?
well, I can. the message of prayer.
praying for someone else. and yourself. don't matter.
praying is like an inquiry to God.
and God answers prayers. slowly, maybe subtly..
but he does.
definitely.
I don't know how to stress this enough..
but prayer.
and hope.

just.. pray. and maintain that hope inside of you, no matter what happens.

everyone will be in my prayers tonight. every night.
no matter who you are, or what you're going through,
I'm praying for you.
because in these tough times..
we've got to know, that there's someone there to support us and help us.
and there is.
someone there, telling us what to do.
telling us, that everything will come through in the end.

prayer & hope.