what hurts the most.

no, not the song by Cascada.
but really, literally, what hurts the most.

I'll just jump right into it, no point for an introduction.



Being Insulted.

Admit it, no matter how hard you try to hide it, being insulted hurts. even if you act like it was just a joke, and the person was just playin'.. inside, you have questions if that's what you really are. for me, it was always the question of how smart I was. after hearing so many people tell me I wasn't the brightest lamp in the closet, I just needed some reassurance.
and though people said I was smart when I brought it up, it just wasn't enough, for some reason.
I think it's because I wanted the right people to say it.
Even if the friend who said it to you isn't your best friend in the world.. it still definitely hurts me when they say it. and.. it hurts even more, when in your time of need... someone you love agrees with you.
when you are expecting, or hoping for them to deny it, and reassure you, and offer you words of comfort and tell you that you ARE smart, and you AREN'T worthless, and you DO have a place in the world, and you CAN have a good future.. and ease all your worries..
you expect them to deny that you're stupid, or can't do anything, am I right?
and I know right now you think I'm silly, using the word 'stupid', or making such a big deal out of it.
but let me explain to you why it's a big deal.
when they don't deny all those things. they, actually, agree with you. "Yes, I agree that you're stupid, I accept it, and I give up on you." those were the EXACT words they said. think about it. someone you love, and when you're expecting some words of comfort to make you feel better about yourself when you really need it.. and the person you love says that to you..
what happens to you? doesn't something just break inside? yeah, I'm pretty sure. I think it's trust.
but in this case, I can't really not trust the person who said this. well anyway..
how much does that hurt? even if you haven't had this happen to you.. please imagine the pain you're in when this happens.
the trust breaks.

"it takes forever to build trust.. and only seconds to break."

but you see... I can't really distrust my mom.
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Keeping Everything Inside.

so, I know there's some of you out there who just keep everything to themselves.
those hardcore people, who keep all their feelings to themselves and don't share them.
yeah, well, I've become one of them.
I've learned to be strong and keep everything inside.. I look at my heart as an iron closet.
that you can't open, unless you have the right key, or moment.
and that key is among a ring of 382947932 other keys. it's pretty hard to find.
but it hurts, doesn't it?
when you really are breaking down, and you want other people to know..
does that seem concieted?
to want other people to know?
but really.. you just want someone to comfort you?
I'm sorry if this sounds conceited.
but... I can't help thinking that way.
I just want SOMEONE to notice, SOMEONE to comfort me and tell me it's going to be okay, and say the right things at the right time at the right moment.
thats all. I just want someone to notice.
so.. what happens when you just can't find yourself sharing that?
you're yearning for words of comfort...
but all you can do, while chatting with your friends, is pretend everything is okay, and laugh and joke around with them over the internet.
I guess that's one bad thing about the internet.

I guess I've gotten too good at keeping on this mask.

but thanks, Jonathan Liu.. for saying the right thing... at the right time. it's like you knew....
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those are the two main big things in my life.

NOTICE: I did not write this to ask for pity.
I would never do something like that. I just wanted to get this out of my system, you know?
I don't want your pity, I can get over it myself.
I just... wanted to share with you guys what I think hurts us the most.

I'm sorry if, because of this post, you think I'm conceited and want attention.
I really don't.
I really hate attention when someone sees me upset.
I really do.
but I'm not saying it feels good when you think no one cares.

again. I'm sorry if you think I'm concieted, or I want your pity.

I just wanted to share.
if you have any issues... please talk to me.


with love,
Maria