contemplation.

this is so hard for me to type.

I knew exactly what I was going to say in this big empty spot right here.

but now all I can do is stare at the keyboard, now knowing if I should type it down, because I don't even like thinking about it.

I'm staring at the keyboard, wondering if I should tell the world.

I feel so dumb when I talk about it or think about it.

I feel like its' no big deal, but then, why is it such a big deal for me?

Why do I think about it so much? Why do I even CARE?

I don't know. and that's what scares me. I don't want it to bother me. but it does.

here goes. deep breath, Maria.

the fact that I'm not as close to my family as I want to be. Right now, I'm hoping no one in my family will read this. because no, it's not all members. my immediate family, I'm pretty tight with. Actually, more than that. but it's the people that I'm NOT that close with that I WANT to become close with.

I look up to them, they're my role models, and I just want to be able to carry on a legitimate conversation. I feel so dumb even thinking or typing this down. I feel like it's nothing serious, because when I tell my friends the beginning of this story, they say they're not close to some members of their family, and to them it's really no big deal. Which is why I'm so confused. why is it such a big deal for me?

Then again, that might have something to do with the fact that they are my role models, the people I look up to, the people I want to learn to become.

I'm not myself. I'm this way because I've wanted to be accepted, to be able to be like them. to be like my role models, the people I really look up to.

Which is dumb. that I look up to them. because I'm my own person, and I promise, I work my personality pretty darn well, wouldn't you say? And I don't even talk to them. it's just, the things they do, the things they say, the way they act, is of utter confidence and sureness. is that a word? I don't know, but I just used it. This is mainly the reason why I want to become closer to them. because if they're the people I look up to, I kind of want to be able to talk to them too.

I wish for the next opportunity to be able to talk to them, but I never have the guts to do so. I'm presented with the opportunity, but I find it so hard to strike an intruiging conversation. I never feel like I'm good enough to talk to them, or to even approach 'em. I kinda am just satisfied with being in their presence.

Which is why I freaked out last night when I realized I missed another opportunity like this.

but then again, I wouldn't have done anything anyway, no matter how much I want to.

I really really really want to. be able to be friends with them, to be close, like the family members we're supposed to be.

but then again, it doesn't feel like family.

I just wish taht one day, I've have the bravery and guts to talk to them.

& be able to be accepted.


I think I'm wishing for too much.


Scratch that.


I know I'm hoping for too much.

expectations, photography, and disappointment.

I have pretty low expectations for myself.

I figured that out.

when I got a 70, and my initial reaction was, 'eh'.

basically, I was okay with what I got.

I realized that that keeps happening. I settle for what I get. I guess that's because I think that when I strive too high, I'll let myself and other people down. I'm pretty afraid of letting people down.

When people or someone asks me what I want to be when I grow up, my automatic response is 'I don't know'. it's become a type of habit or instinct for me.

to tell the truth, the only things I've ever considered being is photographer or music. Because honestly, I don't know of anything else that I'm good enough at, or that I have that much of an interest in.

But I hate telling people that. I absolutely am ashamed of it. I try not to be, but I am.

I don't like people knowing that I'm into photography. the other day, after school, I walked around our school campus, ('cause it has a lake, and stuff) and I had my camera and I was taking pictures. But every time there was a person or a car, I'd hide my camera from sight. I don't know why. I just really don't like people knowing that I like photography. I just, don't think they need to know.

Though it makes me so incredibly happy, to be taking pictures. I think photography gives me an outlet. So does music, but photography allows me to hide my face. I don't like being in pictures that often. I guess sometimes I do, when it's like events with my friends, that I want the keepsakes of memories, but otherwise, I'd rather TAKE pictures than be IN them. I see the camera as a face hider, almost. Like something that can portray how I feel without really SHOWING everyone, y'know?

I guess that doesn't make much sense. But now, you ask why I hide photography from people? I don't really know. However, something struck me last week at a Byzantium meeting that really got me thinking.

I was looking at my photography, on this one website, but no one really knew it was mine. I asked someone what they thought of it, and they said they really liked it. Which of course, made me happy. But I didn't want anyone to know it was mine. My teacher came over, and the next thing I knew, she had the seat and she was looking through all my pictures. She asked me if it was mine, and I reluctantly answered, "..yes". She gaped at me, and asked me why I didn't submit it into the fine arts magazine, Byzantium. Yes, that's what the club is.

I had a hard time coming up with the answer. I honestly could not say. I didn't want to tell her that I didn't want anyone to know about my photography, or that I was hiding it. I couldn't really explain how and why I hid my photography from the rest of the world.

Then, the girl next to me, said a few simple words that struck me.

"'cause you don't think it's good enough?"

I couldn't say much. I just nodded.

I think that basically summed it up. This whole, scared of disappointment thing has got to me. I am so scared of people being disappointed in me, and I don't want to be disappointed in myself, either. 'Cause I think that's worse than other people hurting you. So, I just hide it to myself. I don't want people to be disappointed in my photography, or what I do.

I guess that seems pretty selfish. Because in a world like this, there's criticism around the corner. There's judgment, deceit, lies, and opinions. Disappointment. It's everywhere. I guess it's inevitable, but I still keep my photography to myself. I just don't want people to be disappointed in what I try to do, and what I think I can do. Because, Photography is one thing that provides me joy. I don't want people to drown out on my outlet, on one of the 2 things that can make me truly happy. I hope y'all know what I mean, 'cause I sure don't.

basically, I'm scared what I do won't be good enough, and won't live up to people's expectations. And then I'll be letting everyone down.



A few months ago, maybe just 1 month ago, I was looking at the same website, at my same photography. This time, I was with different friends, and they didn't know what or who's work I was looking at, just that it was work of a sort.

My friend came over, and saw it, and said, "Wow, that sucks."

I dunno. maybe I'm blowing this out of proportions. But, just hearing that was a strike in the gut. That basically is what caused my hiding of photography. I'm scared of THIS, happening again. Because I just really hated that feeling.


Of disappointment, of letting down someone.


I can hide it with a smile, and a laugh easily enough.



but I don't know. I guess I really am overthinking things. but it's just what I feel, y'know? I feel like I'm being so conceited and selfish right now, & I'm sorry if you believe I am.



I hate expectations. Especially the ones you make for yourself.

it is up to you, to find your way home.

finding my way back to you.

about me.

1. I am Taiwanese American. Yeah, I said it, whaaat.

2. Sometimes I like music more than people/the world.

3. I love taking pictures & photography, but I hate telling or showing people that I love doing it.

4. TAF means the world to me, it's my second home. my family.

5. When I grow up, I want to become a photographer or a musician. but when I'm asked, I say "I don't know", because I'm scared that I'll let them down.

6. I play the guitar, piano, and flute. not well, but playing makes me happy.

7. I live by the philosophy that you should just be yourself, live life, and be fearless, because life is too short to waste worrying about what other people will think of you.

8. My grades aren't top notch, and I don't really have one particular thing I'm good at. I just live, and let the future unravel for me. Because I don't know what my future will entail.

9. I believe that everything is going to happen for a reason. Good, or bad, it was meant to be, so I'm forced to deal with it.

10. I don't share feelings often. I don't like other people knowing what I'm feeling. It's hard for me to open up. I like listening to people about their feelings more than I like sharing them myself. I realized I'm being pretty honest in this note right now, and it scares me.

11. Music makes me happy when nothing else can. I've realized that I can turn to music when I feel I have no one else to turn to.

12. I'm shameless, I get it from my mother. I'll be the one acting crazy in public, without a care in the world, not caring what other people think.

13. I love Christmas. Not for the presents; that warm and fuzzy feeling you get when you're sitting inside with a bowl of hot tea, a sweater, and your family around you. And the winter hats. And snow!

14. I love all the seasons, no lie. People find that hard to believe that I can't have a favorite, but I really do love them all.

15. I spend my weekend nights video chatting with TAFers. actually, mainly Joshua Chang.

16. I love marching band. I know it sounds geeky, and nerdy, but I really do love marching band. I secretly march to the music I'm listening to, when I'm walking. it's just, I do it super subtly, so no one sees.

17. I don't really care about how I look or what other people think of me. I guess that's somewhat of a bad thing... oh, well.

18. I'd like to be closer to some members of my family than I already am. but I don't have the guts.



19. I like dancing, but not well. In 'dancing', my definition is flailing wildly and doing awkward motions. that's the way to go. whippin' your hair, back n' forth.

20. most of my best friends lives out of state.

21. I am never going to do drugs. I've seen what it does to people, and it scares the heck out of me.

22. I don't swear. Sometimes, I'll admit, it slips out. but from experience, I really don't like swearing.

23. I don't like getting to close to people. I mean, too close as in BEST FRIENDS FOREVER. I'm afraid of getting too close. I feel if you get too close to someone, it's easier for the relationship to break. Going off of that, I feel like I'm losing all the people I'm close to. Which of course, strengthens this philosophy of mine.

24. I'm awkwardly open about my farts and intestinal issues. Ask any of my friends, harhar.

25. I want to go places. As in, travel.

26. sometimes, I really don't like people. nono, Corinne, not you. not any of my friends, I guess. it's just.. the human population in general.

27. my friends, family, and TAFers mean the world to me. I couldn't live without y'all.

28. I hate goodbyes.

29. Words hurt me easily, but I don't show it. refer to #10.

30. Christmas music can ALWAYS make me happy. ALWAYS. 'specially Sleigh Ride.



Christmas is in 37 days!

I'm up late, once again, because of thoughts, music, and homework.

Mmm. and now I decided I'm going to make a secret Christmas wish list.


For no eyessss. I figure no one really reads this thing, which is quite silly for me to think because its' RIGHT THERE on my facebook, but oh well.


here goes!

I only have, like, 2.


- headphones
- http://store.ournameisfun.com/store/show/GOAIH - that tshirt.
- http://www.threadless.com/product/2344/My_Lover/tab,guys - THAT tshirt.

LAWLZ.


I can dream, can't I? :)

lala, Christmas <33