expectations, photography, and disappointment.

I have pretty low expectations for myself.

I figured that out.

when I got a 70, and my initial reaction was, 'eh'.

basically, I was okay with what I got.

I realized that that keeps happening. I settle for what I get. I guess that's because I think that when I strive too high, I'll let myself and other people down. I'm pretty afraid of letting people down.

When people or someone asks me what I want to be when I grow up, my automatic response is 'I don't know'. it's become a type of habit or instinct for me.

to tell the truth, the only things I've ever considered being is photographer or music. Because honestly, I don't know of anything else that I'm good enough at, or that I have that much of an interest in.

But I hate telling people that. I absolutely am ashamed of it. I try not to be, but I am.

I don't like people knowing that I'm into photography. the other day, after school, I walked around our school campus, ('cause it has a lake, and stuff) and I had my camera and I was taking pictures. But every time there was a person or a car, I'd hide my camera from sight. I don't know why. I just really don't like people knowing that I like photography. I just, don't think they need to know.

Though it makes me so incredibly happy, to be taking pictures. I think photography gives me an outlet. So does music, but photography allows me to hide my face. I don't like being in pictures that often. I guess sometimes I do, when it's like events with my friends, that I want the keepsakes of memories, but otherwise, I'd rather TAKE pictures than be IN them. I see the camera as a face hider, almost. Like something that can portray how I feel without really SHOWING everyone, y'know?

I guess that doesn't make much sense. But now, you ask why I hide photography from people? I don't really know. However, something struck me last week at a Byzantium meeting that really got me thinking.

I was looking at my photography, on this one website, but no one really knew it was mine. I asked someone what they thought of it, and they said they really liked it. Which of course, made me happy. But I didn't want anyone to know it was mine. My teacher came over, and the next thing I knew, she had the seat and she was looking through all my pictures. She asked me if it was mine, and I reluctantly answered, "..yes". She gaped at me, and asked me why I didn't submit it into the fine arts magazine, Byzantium. Yes, that's what the club is.

I had a hard time coming up with the answer. I honestly could not say. I didn't want to tell her that I didn't want anyone to know about my photography, or that I was hiding it. I couldn't really explain how and why I hid my photography from the rest of the world.

Then, the girl next to me, said a few simple words that struck me.

"'cause you don't think it's good enough?"

I couldn't say much. I just nodded.

I think that basically summed it up. This whole, scared of disappointment thing has got to me. I am so scared of people being disappointed in me, and I don't want to be disappointed in myself, either. 'Cause I think that's worse than other people hurting you. So, I just hide it to myself. I don't want people to be disappointed in my photography, or what I do.

I guess that seems pretty selfish. Because in a world like this, there's criticism around the corner. There's judgment, deceit, lies, and opinions. Disappointment. It's everywhere. I guess it's inevitable, but I still keep my photography to myself. I just don't want people to be disappointed in what I try to do, and what I think I can do. Because, Photography is one thing that provides me joy. I don't want people to drown out on my outlet, on one of the 2 things that can make me truly happy. I hope y'all know what I mean, 'cause I sure don't.

basically, I'm scared what I do won't be good enough, and won't live up to people's expectations. And then I'll be letting everyone down.



A few months ago, maybe just 1 month ago, I was looking at the same website, at my same photography. This time, I was with different friends, and they didn't know what or who's work I was looking at, just that it was work of a sort.

My friend came over, and saw it, and said, "Wow, that sucks."

I dunno. maybe I'm blowing this out of proportions. But, just hearing that was a strike in the gut. That basically is what caused my hiding of photography. I'm scared of THIS, happening again. Because I just really hated that feeling.


Of disappointment, of letting down someone.


I can hide it with a smile, and a laugh easily enough.



but I don't know. I guess I really am overthinking things. but it's just what I feel, y'know? I feel like I'm being so conceited and selfish right now, & I'm sorry if you believe I am.



I hate expectations. Especially the ones you make for yourself.