no words to describe

I have no words to describe how sad I am to miss TAF this year.
I'd been pushing it aside for the last few months.. I had gotten over it because the end of Sophomore year was so fulfilling for me, and I had thought that missing TAF would be painful, sure, but not be such a big deal.
Until a few months ago, that is. I was hanging out with some of my TAF friends after a long time, and I realized everything that I would miss. well, the superficial 'outside' things. I'd miss the Union, the Great Room.. the feeling of togetherness when we're all in small group, the deep talks with friends, getting to know new people, being accepted, and coming back at the end of the week with a bountiful of new memories, 4 albums of pictures on Facebook, and sadness, because you'll miss everyone so much. those TAF blues. Oovooing people, even though school's about to start, and you haven't started your summer homework. Talking to TAFers, until 6 in the morning. giant video group chats, where everyone seems to be talking at the same time.
I just.. I realized how much I'd miss the little things at TAF.. the Manchester staff, the feeling of going to a workshop with your friends, doing swing choir, choir, and just gaining confidence in yourself. eating lunch with all your friends, having a little sib..
the smell of the dorm rooms, the smell of the union.. the overall feeling of being with, well, family.
I was thinking about that today. how TAF seems like a home. I thought about how I'd miss the smell of the dorm rooms, 'cept in my head, it went a little more like
"I'm going to miss the smell of home."
sure, that sounds a little weird. I'm a weird person, so you better get used to it.

then that's when it hit me. I think of TAF as a home for me. sure, I only go to this second home 7 days out of 365, but it's what happens within these 7 days that gives you that warm fuzzy feeling, that makes your heart leap when you think about TAF.

it's that bond that you seem to get with everybody, when everyone's jumping and singing to "forever young" or "heaven" at the teahouse and celebration dance.
it's that feeling you get when you are at TAF night and you realize that the end of this one fantastic week is near.
it's that feeling you get when you can't dance at the celebration dance because you know that tomorrow morning, you have to leave.
it's that feeling that you get when you're with your small group and you start crying because you shared something that you can share with no one else.
it's that feeling you get when someone helps you step out of your comfort zone, and you become a different, more confident person.
it's the feeling you get when you have a random deep conversation with one of your friends, and suddenly become so much closer.
it's that feeling when you're singing the song for choir, you look around and everyone's singing, together, and your heart is warmed.
it's that feeling you get when you're finished with swing choir and you feel like the best dancer in the world, just because you were confident and you gave it your all.
it's that feeling you get when someone comforts you when you're crying after sharing, and feeling their hand rubbing your back makes you cry even more.
it's that feeling you get when you see people who are from different cliques bond, either because of small groups, or just because they've become friends.

it's that feeling you get when you finally realize that people there accept you for who you are, no matter what you do, and that they'll always be there for you.

I could go on and on. but seeing as I'm choking back tears right now, I'd rather stop.

the point is, I'm going to miss EVERYONE at TAF so much. I see people on Facebook counting down the days to TAF.. and I think back to last year, when I was just like them, when I was packing my bags for TAF early, when I was buying food, when I was ready for another fulfilling week of memories, love, and family.

when I was just as excited as them; looking forward to seeing people I haven't seen in a year, in just 3 or 4 more days - and be able to get closer to so many more new people.

Gosh, I feel like I'm blowing this whole thing wayyy out of proportion. It's just a week. it's just some camp. it's just TAF.

but really, it's not. it's not 'just' TAF. it's more than that.

it's home, it's family, it's love, it's acceptance, it's everything that's made me who I am today and who I want to be. it's what helps me be who I am.
it's what gives me the confidence to accept who I am, and be who I wanna be.



WOW, I'm mushy. sorry, erryone.

I do wish I could go to TAF this year.. with all my heart.
but hey, I can't wait to hear about everyone's memories, I can't wait to see everyone's pictures, everyone's videos, performances, read everyone's TAF reflections. everyone's status with a line from the song from choir, all those people sign on on Oovoo, and find out whose everyone's TAF crushes were!

ahaha, have fun at TAF you guys! I'll miss you dearly.

changing people.

Wow, I haven't posted in a long time. since the last week of school, to be exact. A month ago! I'm so sorry! I've been meaning to blog, but I always either forget/the problem is resolved.

So, I'm blogging now. Yesterday I went to the fair that takes place in my city every year - and I went with my mom. When arriving there, I saw my two friends who I used to be really close with. So, naturally, I bombard them with hugs (literally) and explain that "I missed you so much!" and "I LOVE YOU!". Although the enthusiasm was somewhat returned, I could sense a 'barrier' in our friendship, for lack of a better word.

It just didn't seem the same anymore. I don't know what happened, but we weren't that close anymore. They became really close, and didn't really include me - I guess I wasn't close friends with them anymore.

Though the thing is; every time I hung out with them, at the end of the night I'd have to fight not to get upset/depressed. They'd always insult me, jokingly of course, but it'd still make me feel inferior/dumb/upset.

I talked with my mom about this last night and we talked about how friends don't last forever. friends come and go. and while I don't like thinking that - I think it's true. My mom said that if you get too close to someone; you're bound to have a falling-out. And, I agree.

Well.. I'm having them over for a party today. we'll see how things go.