'cause when a heart breaks, it don't break even.

Sorry I'm doing so many posts today. hahaha.
I could make this all one post, but my thoughts are scattered, so deal with it.
I'm scared of getting hurt. I'm scared of being let down, because honestly I don't want to put myself through more pain that I really have to go through.
I think that's why I'm scared of liking someone. because I know that that person doesn't like me back, and I would honestly rather not put my feelings and my sanity through more pain than it has to.


here, let me explain a little more.
so, there's this guy. and I like him. I do. I've admitted it. but.. I don't think he likes me back. not like that, at least.
so my solution is to get over him. to stop liking him like that, and just go back to being good ol' friends.
reasonable solution, yes? I don't want to get my hopes up only for it to not go anywhere.
because I feel like in the end, if I keep feeling this way, it'll just be a letdown in the end. I mean, if he starts to like me back then well I guess that of course won't be a letdown, but I don't think there's a possibility of that.
I just.. don't want to get hurt.
and I think that's all liking someone does. it just leads to hurt.



for someone so optimistic about life, I'm really pessimistic about relationships, I think.

i'm still alive, but i'm barely breathing.

“A guy out there was meant to be the love of your life, your best friend, your soul mate. The one you can tell your dreams to. He’ll brush the hair out of your eyes. Send you flowers when you least expect it. He’ll stare at you during the movies, even thought he paid $8 to see it. He’ll call to say goodnight or just because he is missing you. He’ll look in your eyes and tell you, you’re the most beautiful girl in the world, and for the first time in your life, you’ll believe it."
sometimes I think that my idea of a relationship is TOO ideal. too perfect. too unbelievable.
it's too "Disney". too, fake. too imaginary, too fantasy.
all the same, I just wish that maybe it could come true.

the line in that quote that appealed to me the most was "he'll tell you you're the most beautiful girl in the world, and for the first time in your life, you'll believe it." honestly, I wish I could.
believe that, that is.
because recently, my self esteem is going down the toilet. which is ironic, because last night was homecoming which should be the best night ever, but my self esteem just kept shrinking.
and it's my own fault, too. I just can't seem to help it but push my own self esteem down.
I don't know why. but I hate that about myself.
just something else to add to the list.

oh, how I wish I were pretty.