TAF 2011.
I can't go.
I found out last night that band camp is pretty much the same exact week as TAF.
I couldn't believe it, and I refreshed the page about 1 million times - those letters, in size 12 Times New Roman, were there, and I couldn't change them.
I was sick to my stomach, and I could honestly say my heart hurt. Sounds over dramatic, yeah, but I'm a dramatic person. I feel like my heart broke. and gah, I hate admitting this.. but I started crying. I feel so weak and dumb, admitting that I cried over a "silly" summer camp. but I did, and they were honest tears, I was honestly crying, and I cried myself to sleep.
ha, I can't believe how overdramatic this is. but its true..
Seems silly, doesn't it? To get all frazzled about not going to a one week summer camp? Yeah, perhaps. I told my friend today, and she really didn't care, proclaiming she was never able to go to her church retreat as a result of band camp as well.
but TAF means SO much to me. having realized that I couldn't go this year, I realized how much TAF has changed me, how much it's affected me. I can honestly say that I am not who I am without TAF. Every year, I feel as though TAF comes at the perfect time, and finds a way to help me overcome my problems.
this past year, it showed me to extent to which I was accepted. how I was loved, and worthy to be loved. I learned so much this past year, I met and I got to know so many amazing, wonderful people, and I was looking forward to meeting more, and getting closer to them this year.
Being accepted this year at TAF was a big deal for me. that year, before TAF, I had been struggling with my self identity, questioning my worth and who I was, and what I could grow up to be. TAF 2010 showed me how much I was accepted and that I could be accepted for who I was and that I was loved, and worthy.
It came at the perfect time, TAF did.
it meant so much to me. I guess you could some how see that by my 10 page TAF reflection, 2/3 of which I babbled on about ACCEPTANCE and how LOVED I felt at TAF.
I've been losing that, recently. I'm not feeling the acceptance as much, and I find myself questioning who I am again, and holding back just to be scared of what people think.
TAF 100% made me who I am today. I wouldn't be who I am without TAF. TAF changed my life, changed my outlook on life, and I can say that TAF has affected me in a way so deep that it's hit home. TAF gives me a boost of self confidence and a feeling of acceptance, that sometimes you can't seem to find anywhere else. what better is there, to start your school year?
TAF makes me who I am.
So, can you blame me if I secretly cried all night when I found out I couldn't go?
that still sounds silly to me.
let's see. this year was the YEAR. I was going to sign up to be Slideshow coordinator, to take pictures with my camera all week, and then to get that elated feeling of looking up on the screen at TAF Night, seeing a reflection of the week, happy faces, and get that warm and fuzzy feeling that I can only seem to find at Christmas.
This year was the year, where I was going to bond with my little sib once again, and meet new people.
This year was the year that I would give back, finally, to the place that gave ME my life, and helped me become who I am today.
sounds corny, huh? I like corn.
oh, and that delicious Manchester food. the union. damn, I miss it.
but you see, that's mostly it. the part I was SO SO SO excited about. GIVING BACK TO TAF. I remember all in JH, Roger, our speaker would always say about "Giving back to TAF". and at that point, I didn't know how I ever could. I didn't realize how much TAF had given ME, and how much it had changed my life.
this last year, TAF 2010, was definitely one of the most best years of my life. and if you tell me to remember one highlight, I'll say TAF 2010.
it taught me so much - after TAF, I had gone home and spent hours on that Sunday telling my mom EVERYTHING we'd done at TAF.. not just a 'nothing' or 'the usual', I sat down and I told her EVERYTHING, brimming with excitement and memories of the past week. the best week of my life.
That night, she had emailed me and saw the change that TAF had made in me.
I still remember when we had to write on the Youth Paper, and I believe it was Julianne who wrote,
"Home is where the heart is. TAF is home." - or something along those lines.
TAF IS HOME. TAF is where my heart is.
I miss it, every day. I think about the experiences and the changes that TAF had brought in me, and I'm so thankful for all that it's done for me. Compared to my old 7th grade self- shy, timid, embarrassed, saying sorry at EVERYTHING... TAF changed my life, and made me who I am today. TAF is the entire reason why I've changed and become who I am. It's shown me that I can be more than just a person, that I can do more in the world.. and it's shown me what I can do with my life.
TAF means the WORLD to me. and I mean that.
So, yes, I cried last night when I found out I couldn't go. My heart broke in pieces, I had a pain and was sick to my stomach, and I couldn't think of anything besides the fact that I couldn't go to TAF. I wanted MORE THAN ANYTHING to go to TAF this year after all it had shown me and done for me last year.
I'm being overdramatic.
heck, no one's this obsessed about not being able to go to TAF.
I mean, heck, I'm blogging about it, and I've been listening to TAF songs for the past hour.
Well.. I just thought I'd blow off some steam.
sorry for being so overdramatic, aha.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Moments so dear
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love?
How about love? Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love
Sounds of laughter shades of life
are ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe
