was actually pretty awesome! :D
TAF CHICAGOOOO made it beast. aha. but otherwise.. I had fun! church was fun as always & today we went and saw where the wild things are with Dorothy & Tiff, after eating yummy food at Benihana.
"If only this wasn't a fancy restaurant.. I would SO write on the bathroom stalls!"
the movie was amazing! I was bawling ahaha, and then out of no where I hear Tiffany start LAUGHING.. apparently, that was her way of crying.
we established that that movie has mood swings.
it was hilarious, we were in hysterics.
& then we watched a bit of Toy Story in 3D.
lets just say SOMEONE will have a great birthday ;D
Monday, October 26, 2009
worth.
you know those songs that make you feel so passionate and you just want to explode?
my friend made one of those songs- it's really good. kudos to you, Dorothy.
there's so much talent in the people around us, and sometimes I can't help thinking that compared to them I'm just not worth much. I don't know WHY I think it.. maybe it's just how many times I tell myself that or how many times I hear it from other people.. but when my friends are using their talents it just hits me that I don't have any.. and it's a big downer.
I mean, sure, maybe I'm not too shabby at flute.. but what good is it? how will it help me in the future? and I'm not that great at school either.. my future is looking especially dim right about now.
whatever. sometimes I just start thinking and from there everything goes down.
love you all!
my friend made one of those songs- it's really good. kudos to you, Dorothy.
there's so much talent in the people around us, and sometimes I can't help thinking that compared to them I'm just not worth much. I don't know WHY I think it.. maybe it's just how many times I tell myself that or how many times I hear it from other people.. but when my friends are using their talents it just hits me that I don't have any.. and it's a big downer.
I mean, sure, maybe I'm not too shabby at flute.. but what good is it? how will it help me in the future? and I'm not that great at school either.. my future is looking especially dim right about now.
whatever. sometimes I just start thinking and from there everything goes down.
love you all!
Saturday, October 24, 2009
masks.
so I was watching the mask on ABC Family today. it got me thinking. figuratively.
think about how hard people try to make a good impression. a good FIRST impression. and more importantly.. how to KEEP that impression. I know personally, that it's hard. I sometimes try to make a good first impression that's not necessarily the real me, it's more like what I want to portray to that certain group of people. and then, once we do become friends.. I show my true self, and it's just not the same. I find myself, having to change my mindset between groups of friends. there's a group where I can just joke around, being myself and chill.. and another where I have to pretend I'm 'cool' in order for people to talk to me, or, even, LOOK at me. I find myself, at the end of the week, thinking back on the week, and reminiscing of all the times. and the good times are always the times when I'm with my particular group of friends and I am able to be myself, and not faking who I really am. weekends are a break for me. I am able to just stay at home.. go to church.. and to tell the truth, I'm more myself. at school.. I'm just trying to get past the day without being a complete loser/loner.
plus, i realized these past few months that people hurting your self esteem, isn't that hard. with what's going on at home & at school, I lost it in Biology the other day when, some people could say my 'best friend' Andrew called me stupid. usually, I just shrug it off, and think of it in a joking matter, but being especially crabby that day because of the stress put on me by the end of quarter tests, after he said "Maria, I don't want to be your partner, you're just so STUPID.", I completely was offended. it shocked myself. i usually just keep in all my feelings & everything that's going on, I'm not the type of person that wants other people to be worried or feel bad for me. I'd rather them not be burdened with what i feel, and to be cautious around me. 'cept, that day, I completely lost it. after glaring at him and a meaningful 'screw you' at his way, I just ignored him completely, and talked to Jack. I felt terrible. he was one of my best friends, and even though he calls me stupid all the time, and (I don't think he's often kidding,) i usually just brush it off. Out of all my friends, he's the friend that's actually cheered me up. and he doesn't even have it that bad. my friend steven calls me stupid every time he can. andrew.. well.. he just says it in a really disgusted way, as in hinting that i was disgustingly stupid and should be smarter. well, I completely blew it. and then, i was fine. i usually just brush these things off, so it was nothing big. it just hit me the next day why i broke.. i think that after hearing something so much.. you actually learn to believe it. why i'm doing so bad in classes? something came across me the other day.. i figured out.. that i don't care about some of my classes as much. why is that? i used to care so much. cry when i got a B, be so estatic when i got an A. what happened to me. i think it got to me. 'stupid.' the word. everything. i'm still shrugging it off, whenever people say it to me.. and just because I don't show it.. doesn't mean i don't feel it.
just blogging - I'm not saying that you shouldn't call me stupid, see this is why I don't like sharing my feelings. i feel like, once people know.. they're crutched. crippled. however you want to put it. they have to watch what they're saying next to me, whether in pity or whatever. i'd rather not. just be yourselves, please, thats what i love the most of you all.
thank youu so much. when i'm down.. you guys bring me up.
i never go down as far as i do.. this is my own problem, i just decided to rant.
thank you. I love you guys with all my heart.
think about how hard people try to make a good impression. a good FIRST impression. and more importantly.. how to KEEP that impression. I know personally, that it's hard. I sometimes try to make a good first impression that's not necessarily the real me, it's more like what I want to portray to that certain group of people. and then, once we do become friends.. I show my true self, and it's just not the same. I find myself, having to change my mindset between groups of friends. there's a group where I can just joke around, being myself and chill.. and another where I have to pretend I'm 'cool' in order for people to talk to me, or, even, LOOK at me. I find myself, at the end of the week, thinking back on the week, and reminiscing of all the times. and the good times are always the times when I'm with my particular group of friends and I am able to be myself, and not faking who I really am. weekends are a break for me. I am able to just stay at home.. go to church.. and to tell the truth, I'm more myself. at school.. I'm just trying to get past the day without being a complete loser/loner.
plus, i realized these past few months that people hurting your self esteem, isn't that hard. with what's going on at home & at school, I lost it in Biology the other day when, some people could say my 'best friend' Andrew called me stupid. usually, I just shrug it off, and think of it in a joking matter, but being especially crabby that day because of the stress put on me by the end of quarter tests, after he said "Maria, I don't want to be your partner, you're just so STUPID.", I completely was offended. it shocked myself. i usually just keep in all my feelings & everything that's going on, I'm not the type of person that wants other people to be worried or feel bad for me. I'd rather them not be burdened with what i feel, and to be cautious around me. 'cept, that day, I completely lost it. after glaring at him and a meaningful 'screw you' at his way, I just ignored him completely, and talked to Jack. I felt terrible. he was one of my best friends, and even though he calls me stupid all the time, and (I don't think he's often kidding,) i usually just brush it off. Out of all my friends, he's the friend that's actually cheered me up. and he doesn't even have it that bad. my friend steven calls me stupid every time he can. andrew.. well.. he just says it in a really disgusted way, as in hinting that i was disgustingly stupid and should be smarter. well, I completely blew it. and then, i was fine. i usually just brush these things off, so it was nothing big. it just hit me the next day why i broke.. i think that after hearing something so much.. you actually learn to believe it. why i'm doing so bad in classes? something came across me the other day.. i figured out.. that i don't care about some of my classes as much. why is that? i used to care so much. cry when i got a B, be so estatic when i got an A. what happened to me. i think it got to me. 'stupid.' the word. everything. i'm still shrugging it off, whenever people say it to me.. and just because I don't show it.. doesn't mean i don't feel it.
just blogging - I'm not saying that you shouldn't call me stupid, see this is why I don't like sharing my feelings. i feel like, once people know.. they're crutched. crippled. however you want to put it. they have to watch what they're saying next to me, whether in pity or whatever. i'd rather not. just be yourselves, please, thats what i love the most of you all.
thank youu so much. when i'm down.. you guys bring me up.
i never go down as far as i do.. this is my own problem, i just decided to rant.
thank you. I love you guys with all my heart.
TAF Chicago <3
intense game of ninja. hells yeah.
we had TAF chicago today (:
it was beautiful. I was pretty proud of myself - thanks to Erin for actually letting me step up, I must admit I wasn't feeling too great about myself at the time and having the ability to step up and start the LET ME SEE THAT FUNKY CHICKEN thing was just priceless.
ahaha and I failed miserably today - Me & Erin apparently, according to Allen, had a 'fail' war, and WE TIED. though apparently she won. and then I yelled at Allen. and THEN we tied. see how this works?! :D
anyway. I loved Taf chicago, it was awesome! Veronica came this time, ahaha, it's like a tradition of ours to have a Michiganer at Taf chicago every month - without a Michiganer it's just not right. aha we watched ratatouille. it was actually hilarious. anyway. uhm. DING HAOOOOOO :] the food was AMAZINGGGG - ahaha I had a rice bun. thats it. and milk tea. but it was a pretty good rice bun, I must say. ahaha andddd what else happened - well ALOT, we played so much ninja! it was beautiful.
TAF Chicago just made me miss TAF so much more - but I'm happy I got a day to relive the experience the TAFlove and how I could just be myself & "assertive" (eric.) without anyone judging me. after half a year of judgement, it felt nice to be appreciated. at school, we're always being judged and we always have to PRETEND to be someone we're not, in order to fit in or keep your friends. at least, I do. I needed a dose of TAF to remind me that if people don't like myself, then they're not worth being my friends. I'm so glad I have TAF - today was seriously the highlight of my week, it was so much fun! not to mention, I'm pretty proud; before I got to TAF chicago I was so worried; I was having thoughts running through my head, as in what if people don't like me, what if people think I'm weird and obnoxious.. and to tell the truth, I heard last month there were posse's. more like, groups of people who hung out. before I went to TAFchicago today, I was hoping there wasn't. that, and I hoped that it wouldn't be awkward with me there. I admit, there were moments when I would say something totally weird and I'd just get a '...' in response, but it's okay. I hope I made SOME people laugh.. if I didn't then I guess I just fail at life. or in allen's words, I fail at failing. long story. but what stuck me today was that at TAF, after we did our cheer/chant thing.. I was kinda scared to do it. I was hoping that everyone would forget and I didn't have to do it.. but Erin, that doll, she started it and my last thought was oh, what the heck. thank you. I couldn't have wished for better friends. after starting it I realized that people were watching.. and well, laughing. it made me kinda happy. then I realized that my voice was the only one going on, and when I stopped it was dead quiet. then I got nervous again. my voice sounds manly. just kidding. but I did get self conscious of my voice. but after that.. I realized that no matter what you do, the TAF love is conditional.. and it never stops. I admit.. I was shocked today, when I was leaving.. and people that I don't even normally TALK TO or hang out with said bye to me. yeah, I'm easily satisfied. I guess I was just happy that I broadened my horizon of friends a bit - I prefer not to stay in groups and just not mingle.
Thank you all, even though I know like, NO ONE reads my blogs aha, I promise I'll be updating these more.. to forever who reads.
it made me miss TAF more- but today will get me through this next month fine. (:
thank you so much, I love you all, SO much.
taf <3.>
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)