masks.

so I was watching the mask on ABC Family today. it got me thinking. figuratively.

think about how hard people try to make a good impression. a good FIRST impression. and more importantly.. how to KEEP that impression. I know personally, that it's hard. I sometimes try to make a good first impression that's not necessarily the real me, it's more like what I want to portray to that certain group of people. and then, once we do become friends.. I show my true self, and it's just not the same. I find myself, having to change my mindset between groups of friends. there's a group where I can just joke around, being myself and chill.. and another where I have to pretend I'm 'cool' in order for people to talk to me, or, even, LOOK at me. I find myself, at the end of the week, thinking back on the week, and reminiscing of all the times. and the good times are always the times when I'm with my particular group of friends and I am able to be myself, and not faking who I really am. weekends are a break for me. I am able to just stay at home.. go to church.. and to tell the truth, I'm more myself. at school.. I'm just trying to get past the day without being a complete loser/loner.

plus, i realized these past few months that people hurting your self esteem, isn't that hard. with what's going on at home & at school, I lost it in Biology the other day when, some people could say my 'best friend' Andrew called me stupid. usually, I just shrug it off, and think of it in a joking matter, but being especially crabby that day because of the stress put on me by the end of quarter tests, after he said "Maria, I don't want to be your partner, you're just so STUPID.", I completely was offended. it shocked myself. i usually just keep in all my feelings & everything that's going on, I'm not the type of person that wants other people to be worried or feel bad for me. I'd rather them not be burdened with what i feel, and to be cautious around me. 'cept, that day, I completely lost it. after glaring at him and a meaningful 'screw you' at his way, I just ignored him completely, and talked to Jack. I felt terrible. he was one of my best friends, and even though he calls me stupid all the time, and (I don't think he's often kidding,) i usually just brush it off. Out of all my friends, he's the friend that's actually cheered me up. and he doesn't even have it that bad. my friend steven calls me stupid every time he can. andrew.. well.. he just says it in a really disgusted way, as in hinting that i was disgustingly stupid and should be smarter. well, I completely blew it. and then, i was fine. i usually just brush these things off, so it was nothing big. it just hit me the next day why i broke.. i think that after hearing something so much.. you actually learn to believe it. why i'm doing so bad in classes? something came across me the other day.. i figured out.. that i don't care about some of my classes as much. why is that? i used to care so much. cry when i got a B, be so estatic when i got an A. what happened to me. i think it got to me. 'stupid.' the word. everything. i'm still shrugging it off, whenever people say it to me.. and just because I don't show it.. doesn't mean i don't feel it.

just blogging - I'm not saying that you shouldn't call me stupid, see this is why I don't like sharing my feelings. i feel like, once people know.. they're crutched. crippled. however you want to put it. they have to watch what they're saying next to me, whether in pity or whatever. i'd rather not. just be yourselves, please, thats what i love the most of you all.
thank youu so much. when i'm down.. you guys bring me up.
i never go down as far as i do.. this is my own problem, i just decided to rant.

thank you. I love you guys with all my heart.