contemplation.

this is so hard for me to type.

I knew exactly what I was going to say in this big empty spot right here.

but now all I can do is stare at the keyboard, now knowing if I should type it down, because I don't even like thinking about it.

I'm staring at the keyboard, wondering if I should tell the world.

I feel so dumb when I talk about it or think about it.

I feel like its' no big deal, but then, why is it such a big deal for me?

Why do I think about it so much? Why do I even CARE?

I don't know. and that's what scares me. I don't want it to bother me. but it does.

here goes. deep breath, Maria.

the fact that I'm not as close to my family as I want to be. Right now, I'm hoping no one in my family will read this. because no, it's not all members. my immediate family, I'm pretty tight with. Actually, more than that. but it's the people that I'm NOT that close with that I WANT to become close with.

I look up to them, they're my role models, and I just want to be able to carry on a legitimate conversation. I feel so dumb even thinking or typing this down. I feel like it's nothing serious, because when I tell my friends the beginning of this story, they say they're not close to some members of their family, and to them it's really no big deal. Which is why I'm so confused. why is it such a big deal for me?

Then again, that might have something to do with the fact that they are my role models, the people I look up to, the people I want to learn to become.

I'm not myself. I'm this way because I've wanted to be accepted, to be able to be like them. to be like my role models, the people I really look up to.

Which is dumb. that I look up to them. because I'm my own person, and I promise, I work my personality pretty darn well, wouldn't you say? And I don't even talk to them. it's just, the things they do, the things they say, the way they act, is of utter confidence and sureness. is that a word? I don't know, but I just used it. This is mainly the reason why I want to become closer to them. because if they're the people I look up to, I kind of want to be able to talk to them too.

I wish for the next opportunity to be able to talk to them, but I never have the guts to do so. I'm presented with the opportunity, but I find it so hard to strike an intruiging conversation. I never feel like I'm good enough to talk to them, or to even approach 'em. I kinda am just satisfied with being in their presence.

Which is why I freaked out last night when I realized I missed another opportunity like this.

but then again, I wouldn't have done anything anyway, no matter how much I want to.

I really really really want to. be able to be friends with them, to be close, like the family members we're supposed to be.

but then again, it doesn't feel like family.

I just wish taht one day, I've have the bravery and guts to talk to them.

& be able to be accepted.


I think I'm wishing for too much.


Scratch that.


I know I'm hoping for too much.