I hate hate hate hate these nights.

I absolutely HATE these nights.

The nights when I stay up late, after a not-so-great day to begin with, and I just get that feeling.
That feeling that I'm alone, that there's no one here.

Currently I'm sitting in my room, by myself, and the house is silent.

Asides from the music I'm about to blast, of course.

Anyway. These nights are occurring more and more often now.. I partly blame the TAF blues I always have.

Yeah, I still have TAF blues. I know when you read this some people will think that the whole concept is absolutely silly. Feeling sad over ONE WEEK at some "Asian" camp in Indiana? Ridiculous sounding, am I right? Yeah, I guess.

But now a days, when I'm in school.. I feel like no one really gets me like the people who I've only known for 2 weeks in my entire life. I don't know how that happened. I guess that's the TAF love and the TAF bond we all have.

Sorry, this post isn't supposed to be about TAF.

Well, kind of. It's hard not talking about something that you've been thinking about 24/7.

Recently.. I've been feeling so ALONE. so left out, so.. not part of anything. I feel like I'm just.. alone, while everyone else is doing their thing. Sometimes I feel like I'm just not there. Invisible. I'm ignored.

Not exactly ignored.. just, misunderstood.

Now, I gotta tell y'all somethin' that I don't know you all know? Er, perhaps you do. I'm pretty shameless. And I'm not gonna lie, that's one part of me that I'm proud of. That's one thing that I completely love about myself. I don't really care what other people think about me-- I live by the philosophy that this is YOUR life, live it up the way YOU want to and don't let anyone else limit your horizons, 'cause you have the whole world in front of you.

I know that sounds so incredibly cliche.. but that's what I live by. I'm shameless. I get it from my mom. One friend, at school, asks me how I can do it. To not care about what other people think, not to care about being judged.. etc. I do care. I just choose to push it away. It affects me, yeah. It definitely does.


I think I'm getting off topic. Uhh, what was I talking about? Give me one second to scroll up.

Oh, right.


Misunderstood. Not belonging. Alone. Not worth it.

Okay, okay. I know at TAF.. I claimed I got over it. that's because at TAF, I really did. After the Identity Dialogue, I thought that I was worth it. that I WAS WORTH BEING LOVED. I partly think that's because of the atmosphere, and the people. The people who I could be myself with. The people who I knew were my friends. My family.


But then, of course, I returned to reality. Like Calvin & Hobbes said, "Reality continues to ruin my life". that, my dear friends, basically is the STORY of my life.

I returned to school. I thought everything was fine. I was myself. I felt like I could conquer the world. The confidence I had left with from TAF was overwhelming, and amazing. It showed. To the people who chose to look.

But when I first took the step into society.. into the real world.. it was different. It was judgemental. Even though I tried my hardest to ignore it, and remember all that I learned at TAF.. I tried to remember the support there was, the no fear, the amazing feeling I had.. it was hard to ignore.

Anyway. I'll stop talking about the past. I'll talk about the present.

At school.. I feel like I don't belong. When I try to be myself, and be shameless... I feel like although there are some people who love it, there are more people who hate it. Who shoot me those looks, those piercing looks that silence me. That make me think about what THEY think of me.

And other days, I feel so alone.
I look around me, and I see everyone in their own groups of friends.. in their own little lives, with their own simple pleasures. I feel as if I'm independent. but sometimes, I want to be dependent.

I feel ignored. When I try talking to someone in my time of need, I feel as if it's pushed away, and unregarded. It's like they just don't care. I know although this may not be true, because I do love my friends-- sometimes it really just feels this way. There's those days, when I feel so stupid and vulnerable.

I used to have a stone, cold heart. I wouldn't break. I wouldn't fall. I wouldn't cry. Most of all, I wouldn't let anyone in-- or let anything out.

I kind of want to be that person again. I don't like this new vulnerable me. I feel as if I'm too weak. I shouldn't be affected by everything that's happening. It's making me so mad at myself.

Now, I'm tearing up just thinking about everything that I felt this past week.



Just 10 minutes ago, I felt like the loneliest person in the world. From "Away" messages on AIM to people I really wanted to talk to, to people who didn't even respond when I talked to them, to people who left after I said a hi.

basically,



I feel like I'm losing the people I care most about.


I feel like I'm alone again. I hate feeling this feeling of loneliness. I hate these nights, that cause me to hate myself for who I am and cause me to WISH that I could be someone else, in order to EARN my friends BACK.



It's these nights that I get that feeling of WORTHLESSNESS, loneliness, disbelonging, and 'not good enough' back.




I'll get over it.







thanks joshua chang & harrison wu.






i think you know what for.