ARRIVAL.
I had taken the bus to TAF this year, once more, and on the way to the bus stop, I was nervous about the ride there. Would it be awkward? I was afraid of how many people have changed and in what ways, and I was afraid I would feel alone, and everyone wouldn't welcome/accept me for who I became or was. I was surprised at the bus ride, actually. People didn't sit with the people who I thought they'd sit next to, and it was amazing seeing at how easily everyone bonded again, after a year without seeing each other. I was talking to someone recently- and we were talking about how easily it was to pick up a TAF relationship after a year, because of that TAF bond. Anyways, the bus ride was fairly interesting, I talked to a few people and I could already see relationships around me being made and being sewn back together with every smile and word. It was amazing to see all the TAFers bonding again, after a year of not seeing each other. I could feel the love in that stuffy bus, and it was amazing. Upon arriving at TAF this year, I had to go in and visit the JH dorms, to get the little youngin's situated. I walked in, and among questions of "Aren't you in Youth?" and "Um, the Youth dorm's that way...", I saw many familiar faces and before I knew it I was being showered with hugs, kind words, and smiles. It felt so great for me to see everyone again. I branched out, and hugged some people that I had somewhat known by face and by name, but not personally, and suprisingly enough, they hugged back with as much energy as I had given them. This touched me so much, just the fact that they didn't know me that well, but they were WILLING to get to know me, and they still accepted me and welcomed me with so much love. It was pretty amazing just to see the (not) so familiar faces, and receive hugs from random people. It was then that I first saw the love of TAF, and the bond that the TAFers all shared... it was a family, maybe long lost and maybe a family that hasn't seen each other in a long time, and maybe not a very close family to begin with, but as time goes, the family becomes closer and closer, and it's just a wonderful feeling to grow and feel that bond of TAF. I don't know if you get what I'm trying to explain.. the fact that some random people that I didn't know that well gave me welcome hugs, it meant a lot. Just how welcome they all were to me... it felt amazing. Enough about all that. What's next, what's next? I guess I could talk about rooming situations? ALRIGHT. Rooming situations it is.
Rooms?
To tell the truth, this year I had originally planned on not putting anyone down, and rooming randomly in order to branch out and be able to mingle and know more people. However, it wasn't until last minute when my wonderful roomie Christine Yeh asked me to room with her, and I said yes. I'm not going to lie, I was a little bit nervous about rooming with her, just because I haven't seen her in so long, and I didn't know her that well. That changed, in a blink of an eye. I had bonded with her somewhat on the bus, which was so much fun, and I immediately changed my feelings about rooming with her. I feel like this year, rooming with someone else than I usually do made SUCH an impact on my week, simply because it was something new and Christine was SO MUCH FUN to room with. Sometimes I randomly left, er maybe more than sometimes, and I'm sorry about that! But Christine, if you're reading this, just know that I really was SO glad that you asked me to be your roommate, that contributed SO much in making my week amazing. You're SO HILARIOUS and you can always put a smile on my face. You were always there to comfort me and you always stuck with me even though sometimes I ran off. I love you so much, you're definitely one of the best friends I could ever ask for. Thanks for making this week unforgettable. Love you so much!And the same goes to my suite mates, which was surprisingly, Erin and Dorothy! Just having them there gave me that security of having someone still there to talk to, and I don't know how many times I ran over there to that room just to rant to you guys about some things that I had felt during the day and that I couldn't get out. Thanks for listening, and for putting up with me, and being there. Love you!
SMALL GROUPS.
Oh boy, where do I begin. I remember this year, we met our small groups with the morse code like thing, where we had to snap, clap, and act it out to various members in order to find our own little private group. I was so freaked out by that. Because by doing that, it meant I had to go up to random people I didn't know and act out something strange to them. At first, of course, I went up to people I knew, with the hope that they would have the same thing as me, and it'd make it so much easier for me. Of course, that wasn't the case. I eventually just told myself to get out there, and that everyone else is doing something JUST as silly as you are, and I reminded myself of my goal this year to branch out, and defy the clique system at TAF. Well, I found my small group- and I remember being so relieved that I knew some people- Tiff Wu, Travis, Tiff Su, Eric Ho. But I remember the first person I found was Andy Huang; I thought at the moment that he was so incredibly cool and outgoing, because when we found each other we started talking and had a pretty great conversation: that was before I found everyone else, so at that moment in time I had already decided that he was going to be one of my best friends in small group. He just seemed so cool to talk to, and he seemed so open and just willing to talk to anyone. Andy, just so you know, just by you talking to me that first day gave me the courage to talk to everyone else and go up to random people and act insane. You made me feel so welcome at TAF this year, and I must thank you for that. I remember being so relieved that I was able to talk to you & you seemed like you didn't judge people, which greatly touched me. Thank you so much for making my first day at TAF AWESOME.
COUNSELORS
Anyhoo, after we found our small groups, which I found out to be completely and absolutely amazing, we got our counselors. I remember I had known John Chen in previous years, and we had talked a little bit before that. We didn't know each other VERY well, but I had heard good things about him and so I was so relieved that I had at least someone I was somewhat familiar of as my counselor. I didn't know Christina that well, but as with John I had heard FANTASTIC things about her and I was so excited for her to be my counselor. I remember that I forgot my bag, right when we were walking out of the Wampler. I ran back to get it and when I walked back out I remember my whole "small group" was standing there waiting for me. I know it seems like such a silly and small thing to be obsessive over, but I was so suprised that you guys all waited for me; I expected you guys to go to our designated area and I'd have to find my way myself, or that I'd just somehow catch up. The fact that you guys waited for me gave me the confidence and the reassurance that small group was like a mini-family, and that they would be there for you, no matter what. That's so much feeling I got just from you guys waiting for me, but the fact that you guys waited for me, even though y'all were probably waiting for John too, really meant a lot. Thanks, MEGA SNORLAX BURGATRONS FROM LEVEL THREE.
John:Like I said in your wall post, you enforced some deep discussions that I really wanted to happen. You initiated them, and allowed me an open space where I felt comfortable to share about anything and made our small groups get closer as a family and made it feel toasty warm. Thank you so much for what you wrote in my affirmations and also in my yearbook. You're so much fun to be around, and you always know how to make someone feel better. Yesterday at Post TAF when I was about to start crying you started doing our ROOSTER dance and it made me feel so much better, haha, *looks awkwardly* it was awesome having you as a counselor this year. You made our small groups so close and made it an open space for all of us to be open and share. Thank you.
Christina: You are too amazing. I admire you so much of how nice you are and just how easy you are to talk to. You also helped SO MUCH in making our small group an open space, and you always knew the right thing to say and gave great advice when we were sharing our issues. You enforced our small group and without you our small group probably would not have gotten that close. You're so kind and considerate and you care so much about other people, and John was right, it's impossible for you to be mad at anything or anyone. I'm so immensely unbelievably glad you were my counselor this year. You being there prompted me to share and your comforting words and words of advice afterwards always made it worth it, and it was just amazing. I don't know how to explain how much I'm going to miss talking to you and your hugs, you're so easy to talk to and I really really enjoyed our one-on-one. I didn't expect to talk about that much in our one-on-one, but I feel like when I'm talking with you it's just so comfortable and so easy to open up about just anything, and I feel like I can talk to you about anything. You're so easy to talk to and you're always there to listen. Thank you SO much for that... you were always there when I just needed someone to listen, and that always means so much to me. I don't think these descriptions of how I feel are doing Christina and John justice-- they were the awesomest counselor pair, and I am SO glad I had you guys as my counselors this year. I can't even put into words how much I appreciate all you guys did for us, and all the sleepless nights you guys put in for us. And just thank you for making our small group such an open space and an open area for us all to share-- but mostly, thank you for listening and just being there for all of us. Speaker Sessions Tom Lin, our speaker, was amazing. I'm looking at my notes right now, and everything he talked about really hits me, in the gut.Day One - Barriers for loving out loud for Taiwanese.
- Career and Academic Expectations
- Risk/Adverse, don't want to stick out
- Pride: don't want to ask for help
- Insecurity: don't believe we're good enough.
Insecurity is DEFINITELY something I have a problem with. I don't believe I'm good enough most of the time, because sometimes if you hear something too often, you start to believe it. Tom then told us, to HAVE HOPE! and that just really hit me. Previously, I had a point in my life when I completely lost hope and I just thought 'hoping' for something was completely pointless. That hoping just led to being let down and heartbreak, and that there was no point hoping for something, when in the end you'd just get let down. Someone back then told me that hope is what keeps you waking up in the morning and HOPE is the strongest thing to have, because without hope we wouldn't have the slightest willpower. I thought of THAT this year. And so, that first day's message really hit every fiber in my being. I was blown away. The second day, he taught us to MAKE AN IMPACT. This was the day with the 5$ challenge. I remember he was talking about "Hitting the Wall" and just feeling that intense feeling of hopelessness... I've been there, done that. It sucks. I don't like the wall. Anyway... he said the point in life was to:* MAKE AN IMPACT IN OTHER PEOPLES LIVES, TO LOVE THE WORLD AROUND US WITH ALL THAT WE HAVE. He called up two people to get 5$. To tell the truth, at first, I was nervous about going up. I knew there was a catch, and I was afraid of taking it. What pushed me ahead? I thought, "Oh, what the heck. Might as well make an impact on someone's life. It's TAF! Love Out Loud, Maria!" And my hand went up. He called on me and my best friend Jonathan. He told me that I had to do something special with the 5 bucks. I was to use the five dollars to make an impact, whether small or large, on someone's life this week at TAF, and I had 3 days to do it. To tell the truth, when he said that, I was so proud that I had taken this challenge. He was talking about how we all could use up our time and money in order to do something else for everyone, and for the world, and that ANYONE, just ANYONE, and EVERYONE could do it. Even those two high schoolers who made a difference in Africa. I was so happy I took the challenge. That night, we had a small group meeting, and Christina came up with a brilliant idea while Tiffany Su was in the bathroom. (for some reason, I remember that specific fact..) The Manchester Staff at North Manchester did SO MUCH for us while we were at TAF and they were always so happy and willing to serve us.. and we realized that just a simple and plain "Thank You" just quite didn't break the surface. Christina decided that we, as a small group, would ALL go make an impact. It helped me out quite a bit, with my 5$ heh. But basically, we were to get all the names of the workers in the Breakfast, Lunch, & Dinner work shifts and we'd take pictures with all of them to show our appreciation. It was so awesome. I would see them laugh and smile when we asked them, and they'd appreciate it as well. Believe it or not, it felt SO great to help someone, and be able to GIVE BACK! to someone who gave to you. It felt so great to see the smiles on their faces when we said we appreciated all they did for us.. and seeing them being appreciated and smiling made me happy that I was doing something good, making someones day, and making them happy. Ooh, and there was a bonus. The chef? Chris, I think. was so unbelievably chill with it. We became great friends, actually. Me and Chris? Oh yeah, we're tight. I miss him. He was ALWAYS so cheery in the mornings, he'd open the door for everyone and whenever I saw him/he saw me we'd always have an OH HEY! and How's your day been! And he'd always be smiling and just so joyous. He reminded me of that chef in Ratatouille. So happy, so willing to serve. We had simple conversations, I would tell him that his food tasted AMAZING (which I actually meant, Sorry guys, but I enjoy Manchester food..) and he'd thank me, and I could see how happy it made him. He tried chinese yoyo-ing, it was so much fun to see him try to yo-yo and he was so happy and he was having so much fun with it. Woo, sorry. basically, it was SO AWESOME being able to give back to the Manchester staff and seeing them happy, because we appreciated what we did for them so much. It felt good to help someone else... I really liked Tom's point that day, to MAKE AN IMPACT! and do something with your time and money and everything that you have. Even though it's hard... it's very rewarding. (Which is why I hope to do coordinating and staffing soon! But that's another story heh heh.)And now, I know I'm spending so much time on the category of speaker sessions, but it really hit me a lot. I learned so much from Tom this year, and what he said REALLY impacted me.
I'm going to skip a day, and talk about the:3 obstacles for receiving love.
1. The lie of Commercialism/Advertising
2. The lie of "Praise" stars
3. The lie of negative voices
The commercialism and advertising examples were very interesting-- It was interesting how companies use your feelings and emotions in order for their own benefit. It was definitely shocking to me that some companies really directly attempted to influence what you did and how you felt to make you buy something. When we did that experiment.. I got a star. I was really happy that I got a star, but I really wanted to give stars to other people. I do not believe that anyone should be labeled as a circle, because everyone is special in their own way, and that is just simply amazing. Now, the 3rd point hit me the most-- ask you can probably see, as I bolded that one. That one hits me, SO INCREDIBLY HARD. So many people push me down and it's just so hard to get back up when they tell you the same thing over and over again. For me, no matter how much I try to fight it and defy their pushing, I hear it so much that I just start to believe it. Then when that happens, that's what causes insecurity and that causes me to feel that I'm not good enough, and then that just goes downhill
And right here, I have to insert a message of gratitude to Jessica Fu. During the Identity Dialogue (which I'll talk about later) and even in what you wrote in my yearbook-- that really meant so much to me. You comforted me and told me that I was indeed good enough, and you have no idea how much that touched me. Thanks so much for being there during the identity dialogue- you saying that one simple phrase right after just overwhelmed me, because it was so nice feeling that someone was there to listen and that someone cared. Every time someone pushes me down, I think about what you said and what you wrote in my Yearbook, and I feel so much better. Thank you so much for that. You gave me the hope and willpower to stand back up whenever someone pushes me down. I can't thank you enough for that.
And, I gotta give a special thanks also to Allen Yu. That one day after the Identity Dialogue I just wanted a friend to be there to listen to me, and I'm glad you were there to listen. You let me rant and I know that must've been so hard, since I rant like a monster, but thank you for just being there to listen. and hey. You're a really good friend, and don't let anything/anyone ever let you think otherwise. And the last point Tom said...YOU ARE WORTHY OF BEING LOVED. Oh man. That one hit me the most. Sometimes I have trouble believing that... sometimes I question my existence in this world and the value I bring. Sometimes I feel like the world would be no different without me here, and sometimes I Feel that it would be BETTER without me here. Sometimes I feel that I just have no place in the world, that I don't belong... that I'm not worth being cared for, I'm not worth being loved. And that statement, it was just, whoa. We talked about it in small group too, and the question was asked- "Do you believe you're worthy to be loved?" And it wasn't then 'til I realized that even though sometimes I feel like I'm NOT worthy to be loved.. I was put on this Earth for a reason and God loves me and has a place for me in this world, and he loves me despite my sins and everything I do. So although sometimes my insecurity might get to me, and the lie of negative voices will get to me, and I may feel like sometimes I'm not worth being in the world, that I'm nobody, and that I don't belong.. I feel like there will be someone there to remind me that I am indeed WORTHY of being loved, and that reassures me, so much. You guys are all worthy to be loved, btw. I love you all, oh so very much.
big sib/little sibs!
OH MAN I was so excited for the big sib little sib program this year! This was the first year I'd have a little youngin' of my own, and I wanted to be the big sib for her that my big sibs were for me. I admired all my big sibs so much, (Sue Anna, Nicole, Eric) and I was so excited to be that same thing for my little sib! I had Emma, and she was so incredibly adorable. She was so clever and smart at Stella Olla, it was incredible. It was ridiculously fun being her big sib, I'm so glad she was my little sib! Thanks for making my first year being a big sib unbelievable.
Branching Out: I feel like this year was the one year, that I branched out the most. When I got to TAF, my one important goal was that I'd get to branch out this year and I'd get to know everyone and not just stay within my own little group. And I am so proud to say that I did indeed do that this year. I'm so proud. I went around to go talk to everyone, and it was so awesome of how accepting they were. I made so many new friends that I would not have met if not for branching out and taking that nerve and first step and just going up to someone random, grabbing their hand and asking what their name is. It really is awesome- the friends you make in a split second, that you become so close to. It was so awesome, that actually happened so many times this year. I became so close to so many people that I didn't expect to be close to, that I only became close to because I randomly went up to them and shook their hand. I am so unbelievably glad that I reached out to many people this year, because I just made some new lifelong friends that I will never forget. I remember I was doing the Glee video workshop, and I made a new friend among my boosting crew, KENNETH. After that, it proved to myself that some friends I meet randomly could prove to be really close friends and really awesome. If you take the time to branch out, reach out, and introduce yourself to new people, You could be surprised at how accepting they are and how willing they are to be friends. I can't explain how awesome that feeling was.. to feel the TAFlove growing inside you guys and just being able to make so many new friends this year. Speaking of.. that leads onto another topic that I really want to talk about.
ACCEPTANCE.
I realized a lot about acceptance this year. Mainly because of the one and only FUNKY CHICKEN. I remember Bettina telling me to show her on Tuesday and I was so afraid to do it. I remember telling her that there was too many people and asking her whether I should do it now or later, hoping that I could stall it, heh heh. I was really nervous and anxious as to what other people would think of it and I thought they'd all think I was crazy and not like it. Well, I'm glad she told me to show it to her on Tuesday night, because I buckled under the pressure and we went outside to do it. When I started doing it she followed me and so did everyone else who was there, which I thought was actually really awesome-- but it gets better. We went inside because we decided we'd show it to Ming, and hopefully show it to all of Youth. After deliberation and talking, we decided we'd teach it to Youth in the morning before the Speaker Session & use it as a diss to Howard after lunch. Oh man I was so happy. My nervousness to do it and show it to people had disappeared and was replaced with excitement and I was just so happy that I could show people this funky chicken thing that I had actually been wanting to do for a while. I just gotta say, thank you SO MUCH Bettina and Ming for having my back in that and just pushing me to do it- because that showed me how much people cared and DIDN'T care what you did at TAF, how you could just be yourself and be crazy insane and they would accept you for it. It taught me about the TAF love and TAF bond that our family has, and I really pushed myself that week at TAF to just be myself and not be afraid to show everyone who I really was because I knew that people at TAF would accept me for that and everything I did. It was such a great feeling that morning to do it, and have the counselors & all my friends stand up and do it with me. It was so awesome, just knowing that everyone did it with me and they all loved it. I remember people after that telling me that I did really good, and Good job, but I was more proud of myself that I did it, simply because when I did that I felt the acceptance and the love that was there. I was afraid to do it, still, because I was still worried about judgement and what people might think of me. To tell the truth, I had to tell myself and remind myself of that feeling of acceptance I had felt that other day in order for me to actually put myself out there. I remember that night Bettina & Ming told me to do it, I went to bed with a smile on my face, and a smile in my heart. I was so happy and so excited that I could do it. and that morning, I had fear, but not as much, because I felt that people were there and they accepted what I was going to do. Bettina & Ming, (along with other people and everyone else, of course) made my week what it was, which was AMAZING. Thanks so much everyone. All I know is, that Wednesday when we showed it to the JHers as a diss to Howard, when I said "Hey Youth, Let me see that funky chicken!", everyone stood up and did it with me. It was like a flood of Youthers. All the counselors were up there doing it with me, and oh my goodness it was such an amazing feeling. It proved that everyone accepted me! and the crazy dance I showed them. It was amazing. Just knowing that people had my back and really accepted who I was and what I had to give. Bettina and Ming, I can't thank you enough for pushing me to do that-- it really was such a confidence booster and made me learn so much about myself and how I could just be myself and be who I really am, and not be afraid to be myself at TAF. It showed me how accepting the TAF family really is, and that day, I found the TAF bond. I can't thank you enough, and I can't stress how much you made my YEAR. That feeling of acceptance and love, even though I can't find that at school, will always be in my heart. and will always be associated with TAF. And that feeling of everyone caring and just everyone having my back will always be in my memories. You have no idea how awesome that made my week. If that didn't happen, I wouldn't be who I was. It really showed me how at TAF, I didn't have to be afraid and hold back who I was-- it showed me that people love you for who you are, and that really meant so incredibly much to me. Thank you everyone, for just standing up there and doing it with me, even if you didn't want to. The fact that you did really meant so incredibly much, I can't explain. All the things I did at TAF that following week after that day was done because I had the confidence in myself, that I could be who I really was without holding back. That's the TAFlove and TAF bond I'll be looking forward to every year.
Identity Dialogue
I had no idea what to look forward to in the Identity Dialogue this year. I had figured out that TAF love was gone this year, and I was devastated. I had really loved the TAF love program at previously. I had no idea what I was going to expect. I went in kind of afraid, because everyone had said how deep it was. Suprisingly, we went in and we all sat in rows and started singing old TAF songs and just having a great time. I was so confused-- until it got serious, and they told us to all leave and go out into the main lobby. We closed our eyes, and we were slowly led into a pitch dark room and we were told to sit in a circle. We were told that we were to share anything we wanted, or we were allowed to pass. The first story was shared and the first person started sharing, and I could feel the room's atmosphere becoming deep. I could hear voice cracks in the person who was sharing's voice and I started thinking about how awesome TAF was. TAF was such a place where we could all share and we could all say anything we wanted to, and we wouldn't have to be afraid of anyone thinking badly about us and TAF is the one place where I always feel open enough to share with everyone and I would not be afraid. After some people shared, I felt the tap on my knee, signaling that it was my turn to share. To tell the truth, my first thought was to pass it on, because I had no idea what I was going to share, and I was afraid to. I wasn't sure of what people would think of me, and personally, I have always had the hardest time opening up. Except for at TAF of course, but suddenly that feeling came back. I just had a hard time opening up and telling people everything that I felt. But then I told myself that this was TAF, we were in a dark room, and your voice was gone anyway. So I started talking. To tell the truth, earlier that day in small group we had also had an incredibly deep discussion and I had also shared. I also started crying that morning, within seconds of sharing. I was already opened up, and it was awesome, that feeling that we had an open atmosphere in where we could share. It felt so good that people at TAF were there to care and listen to you and so, this is what I told myself that night in the Identity Dialogue in order to get myself to share. So I did. And yes, I started crying. Within seconds of sharing. And I remember I had to take a long pause in order to catch my breath so that everyone could understand me. I was really really bawling. And I felt a hand on my back, comforting me. and that topped it off. It was so awesome, so nice feeling that someone cared and that someone really cared for me and just cared about me. Thank you, Jessica Fu for being there and caring for me. And even more, thank you for what you said afterwards-- just what you said made me feel so much better and I use that to keep on going and it really gives me the hope to not listen to what other people say about me and I just can't tell you how grateful I am for just telling those things. Whenever someone pushes me down, I think of what you say and that gives me the hope to get back up. Thank you so much Jess Fu! It really meant so much. It was really awesome how many people shared and what everyone shared about. It was awesome that everyone was able to share and the open atmosphere at TAF was just so awesome- everyone was able to talk and it was just so amazing. That was so incredibly awesome. I loved that everyone shared.
Celebration Dance
I could honestly say, I couldn't really get into it this year. I would try to hop in there and dance along with all the TAFers I loved, but I honestly couldn't. Because every time I jumped in, I would feel that feeling of love and the bond that we all had, and it was just so amazing. And then I would realize that it was about to end. I would always start tearing up whenever I Went in because I would look around, and see the TAF friendships that were made and that were being made in the process. And then I would FEEL that love and the bond and I would just tear up over it being over. I remember talking to Jeff Nian and we were talking about how I was not feeling it because it was the last day and it was all about to end. He agreed with me and he totally understood- thank you so much for that by the way. You were always there to talk to and that meant so much to me. You were always so much fun to talk to and I felt as if I could always talk to you about anything. Anyway, back to the topic of Celebration Dance. I really just couldn't get into it- I remember Chloe, Jack, and Kenny telling me to get in there and dance but I really just couldn't find it in me. I was so sad that it was about to end and I reflected on how amazing that week was for me because this week was definitely the best ever. I reflected on that, and I really just did not want it to end. Every time I brought myself to go in and dance, it would just hit me because I would look around and see everyone dancing together and I would tear up and I would just end up sitting by myself on the sideline, watching it all. I just couldn't help but feel the end of this wonderful week. And that is why I couldn't dance. I'm sorry, guys who tried to make me dance-- but thanks for the effort, it really meant a lot. and thank you Jeff Nian for understanding.
Last Thoughts Leaving TAF
To tell the truth, as I was leaving, I didn't cry. I wasn't so much sad that I was leaving, because of many reasons. I knew that this would not be the last time I would see everyone, and that I would see them over Oovoo, post TAF, TAF Chicago, or any other multiple events. I didn't see it as a "Goodbye", but a "See You Later", because I just felt as if this was not the last time I'd be seeing them, so I was actually okay with leaving. Don't get me wrong, I was definitely sad that the week was over, because that bond and that acceptance that I found at TAF this year could not be found anywhere else, and I knew that, and that's what hit me the most. But to tell the truth, I left with a happy feeling in my heart. I was happy about all that I had received and all that I had gained this week. I had learned about acceptance. I had made new friends that would last forever. I felt the TAF bond. I felt the TAF love. I learned about making an impact on the world. I learned about loving out loud . And I was just so happy about all that had happened... I had made a music video to Mulan, I had shown everyone the Funky Chicken, and I had realized who I really was, and I had reached out and branched out to other TAFers. I had had deep one-on-one conversations with multiple TAFers & counselors, and I was so happy about that. I had searched my feelings, found comfort, and found people who were there to tell me that I had hope and that they were there for me. I found people who really cared about me, and they had my back. I found people who would accept me for who I was. That week, I was able to be myself. I was accepted. For me. And that was the biggest point. That was my biggest success. That was the biggest thing I learned and gained from that wonderful week at TAF. I found a love and a bond that I couldn't find anywhere else. And that meant the WORLD to me. So you see, I wasn't really sad that the week was over. I reminisced on EVERYTHING that I had gained that week- and everything that I had learned, the person I had become, and the new feeling of confidence I had in me.. and I couldn't be sad. This week was the best thing that happened to me. And even though it may be over.. the fact that it even HAPPENED in the first place was mind blowing. I really didn't feel sadness that it was over, because SURE, of COURSE I would miss everyone-- but this would definitely NOT be the last time I would see them. And yes, I loved Manchester (even the food..) and all the people there, and all the good memories that were made, but the fact that those events even took place were engraved in my memory forever, and I would have that with me for the next 365 days. I was talking to Jeff Nian about this a few days after TAF-- we were talking about how I wasn't so sad that TAF was over. Well, in a way I was, and in a way, I wasn't. I was upset that it was over, which is why I couldn't participate in the Celebration Dance, as much as I wanted to- Because this week did so much for me as a person, and impacted me so much. However, for the same reason-- I was happy. I wasn't immensely sad. For the same reason, I was happy that it even happened in the first place. I was so happy, because I had recognized a change in myself, and I had that new feeling of confidence and love and I felt that BOND in me. Yes, that made me happy. The fact that I gained all this from a week at TAF? Unbelievable, I know. But that's just how much it did for me. I put all of my heart into TAF this week- and the amount you put IN, is the amount you get out. I'm so glad I put my heart into it this week: this is the one week, out of all the years that I've gone, that I've put the most into TAF. and I'm so glad I did-- because I got the most out of it, in return. In a way, that made me sad too. I don't know how to explain it-- I don't know if I'm explaining this correctly. I was happy that it happened, and I was sad that it was over. I cried because I knew this bond and this acceptance and this love that I found at TAF was about to end, and would be hard to find in the "real world". I was happy, because I gained so much and I FOUND the bond, found the acceptance, and I found the love. I felt it all, inside my heart. And I recognized how much it changed me, as a person. And so did some other people around me.
I went home that day, and I stayed up until 1 AM telling my mom about everything that happened. EVERYTHING. Normally, if she asked me what I learned at TAF, I would usually give the normal response-- "Nothin'. The usual. Communication." No, not this time. I told her EVERYTHING. and EVERYTHING I felt. which is why this Reflection is more than 5,000 words long. (Yes, I counted.) Because I'm telling you guys the same thing. This is more for me, than for you guys. Well, Of course I hope that you guys read this, because I just want to share how much I really got out of this past week at TAF. But This is also for myself-- in the way that I'm keeping this here, archived.. as a memory, and a constant reminder of what TAF means to me, how much it means to me, and all that it's done for me. But mostly, how it's changed who I am as a person, and how it's changed my life. I was going to insert shoutouts to particular people at the end of my Reflection, but now, I don't think I am. Because, how could I thank all the TAFers, the counselors, the PD's, the TAFlabs, the Manchester Staff.. how could I thank ALL of them, when my gratitude is unable to be put into words? Thank you SO much, all, (and really, ALL) for making my week UNBELIEVABLE. From the TAFers who I randomly had deep conversations with, and the friends who were always there for me when they would see my smile fade and my eyes start to water, from the counselors who provided a safe space and an open space for all of us to say what we really wanted to say, from the people who allowed me to be myself and show who I really was, for the people who dealt with my crazy insane self, and the people who made the whole TAF experience what it is, and MORE . For the behind the scenes people who impacted TAF as a whole, for the PD's who were there for each and every one of us, despite not getting any sleep- for the coordinators who made the week what it was, for all the PD's, campers, coordinators, and counselors for making the TAF family what it was, and for letting me be able to feel the love and bond that we only find at the one and only mystical 7 day place we call TAF.
Normally I see TAF as one dream, one fairytale story. Now, I see TAF as one year-long bond, a family that is always there for you, always accepting who you are, and a family that always has your back. I don't think I can thank you guys enough. I am ALWAYS here for each and every one of you. Call me. Facebook Msg. Wall posts. Email. AIM. Skype. Oovoo. I have it all. contact me, whenever you'd like. I'm here for each and every one of you. It's the least I could do, for the uncountable things you've done for me. You all have impacted my life SO greatly. I am so incredibly BLESSED to have you all. I'm so incredibly blessed to have gone to TAF in '07. I'm so incredibly blessed to have met you all.I'm just so blessed, to have the Taiwanese American Foundation. Thank you so much, all of you-- for all that you have done for me. All that you have taught me, all that you have let me feel. Thanks for welcoming me, accepting me, and making me part of the family. I love you all, so very much. (Sappy ending, I'm sorry. & I'm sorry for making you guys read through all of this.. I know it's long.. it's 9 pages on Microsoft Word.. I'm SORRY! And I love you <3)
TAF IS GONNA CHANGE THE WORLD.
No comments:
Post a Comment