After Juliet: the experience.

Holy, crap.

All I can say is, After Juliet was one of the best experiences in my life. It was the thing that always got me pumped to wake up in the morning, and even though sometimes I felt left out, it was still so much fun. being around those awesome people.

I feel so hypocritical, with my last post. but honestly.. it was one of the best experiences of my life.
this is a week late, but I'm still feeling the love.

being in this play really gave me confidence; and that's something I needed.
Constantly, I'm uncomfortable with who I am and I don't feel confident, at all.
Being in After Juliet made me so happy; and I love all the new friends I made, and the new people I met.

It really gave me the encouragement and confidence that I could be myself, and people would love me for that.

How I found out? I guess I realized it late, but it was at the first cast party- on Friday. Matt gave me some Monster (hehe..) and sure, I guess that contributed a bit to my energy and happiness,
but I realized that the monster wasn't really what made me so hyper/happy that day. I was just really, really happy. to be in that place, surrounded by those amazing people, and we had just finished our first show - 'cause it was opening night!
It was such an exhilirating feeling, walking out for curtain call that first night.. it really was just a sense of, "OH MY GOSH. WE DID IT. WE FREAKIN' DID IT." and that's when it hit me how much I really did love the experience.

We had the prayer circle the first night - and automatically I found myself crying. That was when I looked around, and I felt the bond that we all had with each other. Sure, some people I didn't know that well. but I feel like the theater experience really pulled us together; and that's when it hit me- the family that we are.

Anyway - I realized that I really hadn't felt that happy in such a long time. Sure, I've been happy, content, satisfied.. but I haven't been EXHILIRATED, I hadn't felt my heart lift and heart pump that fast. I hadn't automatically had a smile on my face in a long time.

Second prayer circle, I really did feel the love. I felt the love, so much. Maybe i'm just overexaggerating.. but still. We did "Good show".. and the thing I said was,
"I'm coming out of my comfort zone.. and I love it."
Because it's true. Even AUDITIONING for this play was SUCH a huge step for me. I could never have done it, either, if my friend Tim didn't pressure me to do it. And I am so thankful for that. stepping out of my comfort zone, man, I grew guts.
and I needed guts. I needed confidence, I needed to feel good about who I was.
I needed to feel that, the way I haven't felt in such a long time.
I said that sentence.. and when I reached the words "comfort zone", I started choking up, and the tears came. no matter how much I didn't want to cry.
And I really did love it. I loved it, so much. I was always SO excited to go to rehearsal.. and I found myself really wanting to bond with each member of the cast and the crew. It just felt so exhilirating and amazing to be with these amazing people, and being on stage. and every night, when we finished the show.. that feeling came back - that feeling of extreme happiness, and exhiliration.
I'm using the word 'exhilirating' a lot.. but I hope that gives you a sense of how AMAZING that feeling was- of accomplishment, and joy.

I really hadn't been that happy in a long time.
I realized that the last night - closing night. I was more sad than I thought I'd be. I thought it'd just be another night for me.. but I found myself being really depressed that this wonderful experience was now about to end. I regretted not putting myself out there sooner, and getting to know these amazing people sooner.
I said that in the prayer circle.. and I started crying, again. It was such an amazing experience, and I really didn't want it to end.
I realized how much I was ACCEPTED.
and for those of you that know me, you know how much that means to me. being accepted. or having that feeling of acceptance. I remember that I thought people would think I was weird, so I held back and I wasn't myself at rehearsals - I was really afraid to be. But at the last cast party, I was just so happy and so exhilirated that I really was myself; the joyful, bubbly, jumpin' around, hyper, self.

I hadn't BEEN that self.. in such a long time.
I know this sounds extremely repetitive, but I'm sorry. it's true.
I remember the last time I was truly that happy and that hyper, I was at my friend Samantha's house, and we were just hanging out, playing video games. I became hyper all of a sudden, and I remember what hit me that night was, they just didn't agree with it. they didn't accept this side of me. I remember all they said was they thought I was weird, and that they hadn't seen that side of me since, well, 7th grade.

And I thought about that. it's true. After 7th grade, I calmed down and I wasn't that self anymore. I wasn't that hyper self. I didn't know what happened - life, maybe.

well, the point is.. being in this acting experience really brought that back for me. It gave me the confidence to feel comfortable with being myself, and it assured me that I could really be accepted for who I was. Just that feeling of acceptance and reassurance.. it felt so heartwarming.
I really had been the happiest I've been in a while.

I'm pretty sure I'm overthinking things, and I'm blowing things way out of proportion. but the truth is, in theater.. anyone who even helped me or talked to me, meant so much to me. ahahah, that sounds so weird.. but it's true.
Because it just meant so much to me, that even after I was myself, my "weird" self, they still accepted me and loved me.. for me.

I think I'll just stop here, with this extremely sappy blog.

but I'll sum things up.
Conclusion: Being in After Juliet really gave me SO much confidence and so much pride.. it really helped me find myself, find who I was, and know that I could be myself, and people would love me, for me. I realized that theater was somewhere I could be accepted for who I was, and that really did mean the world ot me.
Honestly, I hadn't felt that since TAF.
but I'm glad I found something else that gives me that. because I absolutely love it.
It was honestly the happiest I'd felt in a while - I found out that I was loved, and accepted.. for who I was. Me. I was accepted, and loved.. for just being me.

and truly.. that means the world to me.

So thank you, everyone who helped me realize that.
and that would be EVERYONE who was involved in After Juliet - The cast, the crew, and the people who went to support me.

Thank you, so much. for giving me the best experience of my life. for letting me know that I could be myself. for allowing me to gain confidence to be who I was. for letting me be comfortable with being myself.
and most of all, for accepting and loving me, for just me.


It means the WORLD to me. I wish that one day, I could do the same for every one of you.


Thank you. I love you ALL.