scared.

we're back to this feeling. I HATED this feeling. I thought I had gotten over it. I thought I was okay. TAF had showed me how accepted I Would be, and there were people there to assure me that I was worth it.

but now, I read my yearbook. I see the autographs that tell me to keep my head up, the autographs that assure me that I AM good enough, but I can't believe them. I want to, trust me, oh, hell, I want to, but I can't. I think I've read it too many times. it's lost it's special-ness. that's not a word, but I hope you guys know what I mean.

at least to me, I feel like I've read it too many times. it's lost it's sentimentality, it's lost it's reassuring tone that used to warm my heart and make me smile whenever I read it.

but I want to feel that again.

today was enrollment for classes. I hate this time of year. I hate it. so much. not only the fact that I'm moving along my path in high school, all this talk of COLLEGE and your schedule and what you want to be when you grow up is being thrown around.

Honestly, I know what I want to be. kind of. I want to be a musician, or a photographer. 'cause honestly, I think those are the only two things I have going for me. But why is it that when everyone asked me today what fI want to be, I couldn't bring myself to tell them? I told them, "Oh, I dunno. Haven't figured that out yet." but in reality, it's the complete opposite. I HAVE figured it out. haven't I?!

so then, why can't I bring myself to tell anyone?

I'm just taking a wild guess - but I think I'm afraid that I won't get there. I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint them; so I just don't tell anyone what I want to be. then they won't be disappointed.

I was caught by a sudden feeling of fear today. that I wouldn't get into college. Yeah, that sounds silly. sounds like a silly thing for me to be freaking out about, but I freaked out about it anyway. honestly.. I'm not in all honors, I'm iffy about taking 3 AP's next year, because I'm questioning if I can do it or not.

My friend told me she thought I could handle it. I can't bring myself to believe her either.

I can't really put what I feel into words right now. I feel like a selfish brat, complaining about all of this.

but honestly, I have no idea how to put what I feel into words.

I'm discouraged more and more often these days. and I don't know why. I just randomly get these pangs of discouragement - that I feel like I'm not good enough, that I won't be able to get anywhere..

huh, it's like a repeat of last year.

but, I keep telling myself, TAF fixed that for me! people assured me that I WAS good enough, that I have strengths..

but I can't help but think that they were mistaken.




I honestly,don't feel like I'm going anywhere.


photography? whatta joke. I suck.


music? sure. alright. but.. the idea of my future scares me.


that's it. my future scares me. I hit it on the nose.




ah, I'm going to go to bed. hopefully things will be better in the morning. sorry for complaining. just trying to get it all off my shoulders.


g'night, everyone. thanks for reading <3