Texan thoughts.

So, I'm in Texas right now, as you guys might know. or maybe not. no one really reads this thing.
it's mostly a family trip. I'm here for my cousin Becky's wedding, and we're just staying at my cousin's house. It's been a lot of fun, for the most part. I've been hanging out with my cousin a lot - and it's weird, because I've never REALLY been super close with someone in my family except my parents.
Hanging out with him has been quite weird - I'm honestly not used to someone paying for all my food or all my things. Is this just me? I remember telling my mom after the FIRST DAY that I thought it was weird that hey paid for everything and I felt bad for not paying for it myself. But her response was, "it's okay, because he's family". Okay, I guess that made a little bit of sense in my head, but still, I'm just not used to someone in my family (aside from my parents) being so openly nice to me. Is that sad?
I think I was just surprised that he was being so nice to me.. and cared for me so much, seeing as we haven't seen each other in, like, 5 years.
so, I guess this is what 'family' feels like. I haven't experienced it much back at home.. but I like it.
You see, at home, I don't have many close family members that I can really hang out with. sure, I love my mom to death, but hanging out with her is a different story. it's just, not the same, y'know? and all the cousins that I have.. sure, I'm close with some of them.. well, not close, but I can talk to them. To the other ones, I'm kinda distant with. We don't really talk, and when we do, it's just the type of conversation that basically means "Oh, hey let's catch up, whatsup kbye."
I don't know, I hope that makes a little bit of sense in your head, because I'm just rambling here.
it feels nice to be able to just 'hang out' with my cousins, it really does. we did so much the past few days. and it really is an awesome feeling, the feeling of 'family'. it's scary how foreign it is to me, though.

Coming off the same-ish branch, this is where my yearning for a sibling comes back more powerful than ever. Seeing my cousin and his sister being so close makes me wish I had that connection with someone - I guess it's more of that 'family' feeling. Someone who would have my back, who I could always count on being there, who I can hang out with. I remember at band camp I talked to someone about my wanting for a sibling, and they were the first person who I think actually understood why I wanted a sibling. and they had a sibling themselves. I just sometimes yearn for that friend who will always be my friend, no matter what happens. that sibling who will always be there for you, who you could trust to have your back. Mmm. just some ramblings.


Though Texas has been fun and family-filled, it's had it's disadvantages.
I love family time, I do. I really do.
but for example. Me, my mom, my aunt, my other aunt, and my grandma went shopping yesterday. Yay, shopping, right? wrong.
I'm just recently grown accustomed to how I look. It was kinda after band camp, I started really starting to get confident with how I looked. Though, when you're handed multiple extra large items of clothing and told to try them on, it's kind of degrading. Kind of? let me just say it hurts.
I feel like such an idiot, feeling so degraded by something that seems so minor, maybe. To me, though, it really was the most degrading thing in the world. one of the most degrading, at least. Mostly because it's taken SO MUCH for me to actually get my confidence to that level that I had it. It's honestly harder for me to build confidence than it is to blow it all down.
Prior to that incident, I had been given a couple of Large dresses to try on. at this point, I'm happy and still proud of being me. when they don't fit, I don't really care- I didn't like them that much anyway, and sizes differ with the style. I shrug it off and I continue.
anyway, so we continue shopping, and my aunt hands me a rack of extra large items and thinks that I'll be able to fit into them perfectly.
I'm going to interrupt for a sec to say that I love my family to death. I really do. I love them. all of them. it's just, sometimes I overthink/overblow things.
Mmkay, back to the story.
Gosh, it was the worst feeling walking into the fitting room with 3 extra large dresses. they were too big on me. who knew?!
I just remember going into the fitting room, and looking at myself in the mirror. I looked at my reflection, and I just hated it. At that moment, I just remember wanting to break that mirror so I wouldn't have to look at myself. My fatness and how ugly I really was. Commence deterioration of confidence.
I understand why they did it. giving me the extra large ones to simply try on. 'Cause the large one's didn't fit. see, this is where I start blowing things outta proportion.
but still, I guess the thought of it still was quite degrading, since I JUST was able to build up all that confidence in how I looked.
I just remember trying on dresses after that, looking at myself in the mirror, and hating what I saw. I turned to my friends for help - I just remember every time I went into the fitting room, I spent more time on Facebook chatting with my friends than actually TRYING THE CLOTHES ON. can you blame me?
Oh, did I tell you? I can't believe I did this, but when I was told to try on the extra large dresses, I took pretty much 10 minutes to change. and it was just a dress you needed to slip on, too. I looked in the mirror, didn't like what I saw, and I'm not going to lie, I cried a bit. gah, I'm such a friggin' wuss.
The next few minutes were spent on Facebook, frantically looking for people to talk to, because no matter what happens, my friends never fail to make me feel better.
(So, I'm sorry if I annoyed anyone, hehe. I've been talking to a lot of people these days.)
That's pretty much it from yesterday. As the day went on I was able to try on more clothes, and actually look good in them. Still, though, my confidence took a pretty big blow. I remember last night I was talking to one of my friends and we suddenly got to the topic about how my confidence level was low.
I remember telling him that my confidence level really wasn't important. and now, thinking about that, I realized that that's really how I feel. I don't hold my self esteem or confidence to a high importance anymore. I don't know what this means. I just know that it's true.
It really is so much easier for my confidence to be broken down than it is to be built up.
and sometimes, I'm the one who breaks it down.
It's funny. I was just talking to my friend today about the same thing. about how my confidence level is too low. and what she said? she said that I deserved to have more confidence, that I had no reason to have such low confidence in myself.

it's easier said than done.
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& while we're on the topic of feeling inferior/not confident, let's talk about my fears.
I'm scared of disappointing others, and failure.
While in Texas, my mom's been wanting my cousins to start teaching me Pre-Calculus.
Honest to God, I don't want to. hahaa, though I think that was implied with the words "Pre-Calculus".
I understand why she wants them to do it. To help me get ready for this coming year of high school, since it's gonna be hell.
the past few days have been great. no math at all, no mention of school, just hanging out with my cousin. man, it's been fun.
but today, she was really intent on us commencing our math tutor lessons tomorrow.
and my cousin brought out the pre-calculus book for me to look through. When she first opened the book, I was really proud of myself because I knew what was actually going on - what the terms actually meant. that is, when she turned to the middle-ish of the book. the beginning was review of algebra, then it started actually getting into pre-calc.

I don't want them to teach me because I'm a slow learner. It takes a lot of time for me to actually process the stuff in my head. sometimes, I wonder if I even have a brain.
and no, I'm not kidding. I feel like there's nothing up there. I honestly feel like I'm so effing stupid, that I don't even know how I'm going to get through the ACT or SAT or whatever we're taking Junior year. People who know me know how scared I am of the future. Gosh, I'm terrified. I think it holds absolutely nothing.

Anyway, I guess back to the topic.
I don't want to learn pre-calc with them because it really does take a long time for me to actually learn things, and I learn best by myself. because then I can concentrate, I'm not rushed. I feel like tomorrow once we start learning these lessons, I'm going to start feeling more stupid than I already feel. and that's saying something.

I'm so scared that they'll find out how stupid I am, and be so disappointed in me. yeah, that pretty much sums it all up. Two of my biggest fears, combined and making a fabulous icky sandwich.
and I'm 95% sure that's what'll happen.
I guess we'll just see how it goes tomorrow. wish me luck, guys. bedtime.


I think that's pretty much everything.
That's all my mindless ramblings so far!

hope you, uh, enjoyed?



:)