disappointment and shame.

when you're disappointed in something, [or someone]
you want to feel like you don't care.
I want to not care.
I want to forget,
and erase my feelings and everything I've done for the last month.
to tell the truth, I think you, or [that], was the only thing making me look forward to Mondays.
yeah, I'm admitting it now.
not afraid to jinx it.
I had hope.
whatever. I'm trying to forget. I'm trying not to care. to get it out of my head.
I've wasted my time. it's time to regain myself.
I hope there isn't more disappointment and shame to come.

I really don't like shame.
I'm ashamed of myself quite a lot.
even though, I tell myself not to be.
how I look, how I act, what people think of me.
I know, I know. I've had so many previous blogs about this.
but sometimes I just can't be jealous- yes, jealous, of the people who have got EVERYTHING GOING FOR THEM.
they've got the brains everyone wants. they've got the looks. they've got the friends. the popularity. the talent. the personality. the life.
sometimes I'm just baffled. funny word.
why do they have everything going for them? is it that easy?
I don't know, really. and to tell the truth, I'm jealous.
I know someone, who isn't the type to get jealous.
I admire her.
I admire her dignity, her strength. that's who I want to be like.
I know some people, who have the strongest faith.
they believe, and aren't ashamed of it.
that's what I want to become.
I want to be able to be proud of who I am, what I believe in.
I know this sounds incredibly generic.
incredibly, repetitive in all of my blogs.
but this is a problem I have.
but most of all is disappointment.
disappointment leads to shame.
and, I know.. that I can't go there.
I remember recent Youth message.
shame is brought by the devil,
to bring you farther away from God.
and I thouroughly believe that to be true.
what is wrong with me?
sometimes I just feel like I have gone wrong.
I don't know who I am anymore.
I don't know what I've done with my life.
in fact, I ask this question to myself to many times...
What is WRONG with me?
What have I DONE with my life?!
it's shame.
disappointment in myself.. that I couldn't have it as easy, as simple, as FUN as those kids who have everything going for them.

please make me forget.
I need to move on.
this is why I don't like to hope.
because in the end...





when your hope diminishes...









you feel like you never want to hope again.








I don't like you. for getting my hopes up.








that's a lie.













but I don't like hoping. not one bit.














because in the end.....
































it gets you no where.